Calling out the Piecers

[kat727]

Just dropping by. Sounds as if you have had a very crazy and hectic past few weeks. Hope your health stays good. that sounded pretty scary!

Keep up the good and positive efforts.
kat

[dday101798]

Thanks kat! Hope things are going as well as they can be for you and there isn't much craziness going on. BTW, where's mishka been?

Health, yeah, that, umm not out of the woods. The whole lull in the accident and problems with insurance and the fact that my once imicaculate truck is now a 3500 pound twsited up paperweight combined with my cousin being on and off with acceptance are causing things to act up again with all the stress.

I haven't had any problems since being released from the hospital in regards to my arm and dizzyness. Chest pains, yeah, but my arm hs been fine until this morning when I had a conversation with my cousin. Don't know why it bothers me, wasn't all that bad, just more the same of "since she's back in your life you don't think of anyone but her" which is so untrue.

Good and positive efforts, keep on rolling on their own.

[dday101798]

Oh yeah, one thing to add to my piecing list:

11 - Restore uniform parenting and routine with the kids. IN PRGRESS

I made dinner for (x)W and kids last night and ended up kind of upsetting (x)W on this issue.

First of all, table manners. They all know I am very particular on table manners and the boys were not raised as pigs. They also know, when the family sits down at the table, NO TV should be on unless it's really something special. Well, TV was on which means boys have be sit all twisted and contorted not eating over their plates. SO, I shut the TV off.

S11 still failed to ralize what a plate is for.

S12 continually went upon my pet-peave of all and kept talking with a mouth full of food.

Neither of them cleaned up their area and up and went to there rooms to watch their infernal TVs.

S11 even wen tso far as to just get up and start fold and put away his clean laundry without even washing his hands.

Soooo, I brought each and every one of these items up with them and how they know this is not tolerated under my watch. They both had these blank stares on their faces. They know and do so at "my house" to eat appropriately, clean up their areas, rinse their plates and wash their hands when they are done.

So, in a tizzy I commented that to (x)W, nothing derogatory to or against her, but she took it that way.

[iwantittowork]

Hey dday, just wanted to stop by and say hi, I have been following your sitch for a while.

Not much to add, but you posted some insightful things in my sitch when I started in StBD, so also wanted to say thank you for that.

So, in a tizzy I commented that to (x)W, nothing derogatory to or against her, but she took it that way.

I see so many things my stbxw has in common with yours, including the table manners stuff and such.

I see now, and see above in your post, the biggest issue and challenge was communication of these between us.

To me, your (x)W response is a direct indicator that your not communicating effectively between each other. I am not saying this to 'put you down' or anything, just to point it out.

I wished I had picked up on that in my sitch early, so I could have tasked myself with figuring out the 'how' of communicating with her.

That has to be owned by one person, at times, as she may not even be 'aware' of how she likes to be communicated with.

Trying not to ramble, but hope my point comes across.

[mishka422]

Dylan, I'm here buddy, reading along as I can but not really posting much. I'm so happy to see that even with the little traumas of life going on with you two, you are still handling them together. Frankly, I'm jealous in some ways!! I wouldn't take my xh back if he crawled over broken glass, but I do miss having someone in my life to help shoulder the burdens.

You are SO on the right track and I'm thrilled for you!

[dday101798]

Thanks for stoppin gby and you're welcome.

Actually, to the contrary, our communication is fantastic now. Yes, it used to be an issue.

In this case, (x)W simply has a gapping open wound when it comes down to the kids and I need to be little bit mindful of what I say and in this instanct I did apologize immediately to her.

Problem is, is that as consequence of the A, the kids fault her very harshly for the breakup of the family. They knew we had our problems before the A and they knew things were getting bad. But it was (x)W who chose to up and have an A and expose the entire thing directly in front of them and have OM live with them (although she claims that she consistantly would ask him to leave at nights and he never did).

So they went from family, albeit a dysfunctional one, to this character in their lives, then to not seeing their own father for months, to seeing me 72 hours a month.

That was pretty hard on them.

So they are actin gout on her. It gets further complicated as I was always the disciplinarian, so she's never really had control over them. So you add their frustrations on top of lack of control and well, we have some catching up to do.

We will have to have a non-interupted sit down conversation. All four of us. A no holds barred, all questions answered, no matter how much the truth hurts get the facts straight Q&A session. The whole time, the underlying message has to be mantained that mom and dad love and forgive each other and that they were never loved any differently by either of us at any time.

EDIT - case in point this morning: (x)W left early for work so it was my duty to get them to school. It takes her more than an hour to get them motivated and up, and usually with a lot of yelling and screaming, often resulting in name calling. Me, I had them up and out the door in 20 minutes, no yelling, no uncalled for attitudes and voluntary 'thank yous' for gathering their clothes and preparing their lunches.

[dday101798]

Hey mish, how are ya dear? Yes, things are going super great, no more issues over the A, OM and all that jazz, it's all done. There's transperancy now and that helps a lot!

Frankly, I'm jealous in some ways!!

Can't tell you how many times I've said that I feel guilty in certain ways. It makes it really hard to wander away from here and help out those less fortunate. If you haven't noticed, I really don't stop in survivng anymore because it just stinks to see ya'll still having senseless issues with your X's.

Then trying to help out those that are "giving up" or making all the wrong choices "for themselves" when really the underlying message is to spite their spouses and only make things worse.

Eh well, I do as I can.

[mishka422]

I hear ya.

I haven't been posting much on my thread because frankly there is nothing going on, pretty ho hum most day. Trudging along, you know? BORING! Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that I don't really have any drama. I hate drama. I don't talk to xh at all if I can help it, it keeps me sane and keeps me from expecting him to man up.

[dday101798]

Not much updating.

'Cute' house for rent is pending as they are taking in all applicants and then chosing for the "best fit". We were really hoping to get it. I ended up being the only one of us able to look at it on Saturday as (x)W had to work, but she said she 'trusts my judgement' and that she wouldn't be dissapointed and I could sign the lease on the spot.

Got (x)W's truck registered and insured, all under MY name, so that must say something about her underlying intentions on how long she plans to stick around, eh?

More issues with the boys, mainly attitudes and back talk getting worse, especially S11, he is getting ever more frustrated thinking that S12 "seems to get away with everything". Blach, we just don't know how to handle S12 yet and his wandering off issues other than keep him in sight 24/7, that's it, so really S11 can go off and do whatever he wants, and yet (x)W or I, or both are grounded. We haven't been out alone in almost a month now aside from a luch get-a-way perhaps.

That said, feeling a little 'drifting off' going on between us, but nothing major. I think we're just stressed out trying to find a place and get life moving again.

Then, to make matters worse, I stayed up all Saturday night with (x)BIL from downstate. His wife earlier in the day made reference to how since (x)W and (x)BIL won't return his calls about the house they went in on, OM is pestering her. So this sparked a conversation that just wouldn't end and I some things are learned were of use, others I didn't want to hear about their ( xW and OM) "life" together.

I'm certain (x)W heard what we were talking about because she was in a really BAD mood Sunday morning. She blames it on one of her girlfriends from work giving her a hard time, but, I think something else is at play. (x)BIL is just still very 'at witts end' with (x)W on how she was going about everything with OM in front of our kids and how they were to married and be "so happy" and all that jazz.

EDIT - But after being up all night I was awakened to a lovely "visit" from a case worker for the state investigating S12. EEK! I cordially declined to comment or allow a "search" to take place without (x)W present. That is supposed to happen tonight.

On that front as well, (x)W and I were relaxing after a long day of running around yesterday and watching some TV. Her phone was rather frequently beeping a new message that she try to keep away in sorts from my line of sights. Got a hold of it this morning when she was in the shower and wouldn't you know, OM sending all sorts of B/S messages about "I know you're back with Dylan and all but try not to screw me" and all sorts of other crap regarding bills on the house.

I would be fine with that and would have loved to as I have on previous times I've checked to see no reply in her sent folder, however, it was empty. That doesn't sit well and I'm going to brush on it tonight and see what she says.

Overall, I'm not worried. If there was anything remotely possible, why would she want to get a residence together with me? Why would she basically hand over a pretty decent truck to me no questions asked?

I was also impressed that Saturday night she watched the 'kickoff' to the start of the racing season with me. Before, that was like pulling teeth with her.

So, anywho, that's about it. Nothing major, other than the OM message and nothing in her out bin, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it, he's a putz, end all be all.

[dday101798]

I swear to goodness gracious there isn't much left that can go wrong as we are trying to do this.

On Tuesday I got a call from (x)W to please hurry 'home' and pick up S12 from "our house" where some 'woman' has been watching him in light of all the DCFS problems. The renter there has his 4 year old girl who is on the rather affectionate sideas most girls of that age, constantly 'hug me' or kissing on the cheek and what have you. So, I get this call that there was a 'inappropriate contact' between S12 and the girl and renter was upset and wanted him gone. Whatever, I pick him up and renter isn't even around nor does the person who alleges this happen come out and talk to me about it.

Wednesday in the afternoon, I get a call from (x)W that S12 was found with 'excessive amounts of money" on him at school again.

Then, later on, I get a call from S12 and the school that nobody, mainly the 'woman' who has been picking him up has been there to do so yet and it was already 45 minutes past his pick up time. So, I have to haul butt and turn a 40 minute commute into 25 all the while the school office attnedant is calling me every few minutes wanting to know how much longer it's going to take me to get there.

Anyway, I pick him up and all seems well. I finally get a hold of (x)W and she's libid apparently calls the 'woman' and reams her out a new one. I take S12 'home' for a 2 and 1/2 hour stale mate at the dining table asking him why he's acting the way he is, what the deal with the girl was and where he keeps getting all this money from. Of course, I get nothing.

So, after the 2 and 1/2 hour ordeal, (x)W gets home, says the 'woman' had S11 call her and tell that she doesn't work for (x)W anymore. (x)W starts to work on S12 a little bit since I didn't get anywhere, and then her phone beeps a message. It's OM wanting to know why the police are calling him about S12


That of course put me through the roof. But, in all fairness I allow her to call him to see what the heck is going on. She talks to him for a minute or so and the doorbell rings, it's the police, wanting to arrest S12 on allegations of sexual abuse to a child

We talk to the officer a bit as we've been dealing with him often and set things striaght that S12 is in 24/7 watch so he's basically under a house arrest as it is and all come to the conclusion that these allegations are retalitory against me, (x)W and ehr father for the uncertain fate of our house that they are all living in, using our stuff and not even paying the friggen rent they are supposed to as these charges prevent any of us from being there and making eviction by (x)FIL very difficult now.

What a bloody mess. We got a ton of paperwork from the social workers at school that prove our statement that S12, mentally can be anywhere from 6-8 then to 12 at any given time. And yes, he can be overly affectionate at times himself, but nothing to construe a danger to others.

What a crock of bull. Yet another "I told you so" with (x)W as I've been telling her for quite some time now that I wish she and the boys would just stay away from that house as I knew something would happen. Never would I have thought to this extreme tho.

I was pretty bitter when it was all said and done with (x)W that things are so effed up that the police go and call OM instead of me, his father. Actually I blew a gasket pretty hard core. And then I slipped and siad that I didn't appreciate her keeping ANY sort of contact from him quiet and that it really disturbs me that the last message received on her phone was from him, yet her sent folder is empty.

She did take it all in stride and understood where I was coming from. But I did tell her, I am at the end of rope with any involvement she has with him and especially that contact numbers and everything are all messed up.

So, S12 is going to have a 'interview' with the police, tonight I believe if the stupid renter wants to really persue this bullarchey and press charges.

What a mess.

Then yesterday, the dang truck we just got wouldn't start, missed work again working on that all mornign and appparently overdid myself. By the time I got done, I sat down to rest for a minute. The next thing I knew it was hours later and my chest was killing me. (x)W got in from work and said I didn't look well and to lay down. I did. And that was out cold again until (x)W woke me up late at night. Got up, had some soup and went right back to sleep.

I can't take much more of this. Why is it that the more we try to get things done, the more something pulls us back? We just want to run away already. Enough.

To top it off, Sunday is not only Valentine's day, but S12's birthday and we haven't gotten anything accomplished to that accord. I haven't the foggiest thing what to get (x)W at all, and with all the unpaid time off I've had lately, money is getting very sparce.

And such is life. I need a vacation.