Doing hard time on the MLC chain gang.

[MHL]

You really brought up something that I have thought about but have repressed. That is if I get my D13 and my W to reconcile that will help me reconcile with my W.

It won't. Not directly anyway.

Now I have to be honest here and keep it real. I have thought about my D13 hating and detesting my W for the rest of my D13's life, the ultimate "See what you have done, serves you right biotch" to my wife. I would be lying if I said that evil thought never crossed my mind especially in the scenario that my W and I never reconcile.

This is vindictive. Please do not let your D or your W know you have had this thought.

The flip side of that thought is "What a great father and husband I will be if I can somehow foster reconciliation between D13 and my W" and my W will obviously come running back into my arms.

This has nothing to do with what kind of husband you are.

It has everything to do with what type of father you are.

Cat,
Thanks for your thoughts and I agree that my actions or non-actions moving forward will be as a father and not husband. I have been trying to teach my D13 the lessons of forgiveness and acceptance. It is my hope that she will look back on the experience and draw upon it for strength and wisdom when things get tough for her later in life. I want to leave the legacy of the parent who rose above the pain of the situation at hand to view the bigger picture.

Whether we want to admit it or not, unless there is extreme abuse, all children need both of their parents. Good or bad. Happy or not.

I am not throwing stones at my wife here but until you said abuse I never realized that the things my W said to my D13 on Oct 31, would fall under the heading of "abuse". I recognize the event as a one time event but it happened, and I understand just how "crazy" my W was at that point in time.

For my D13, my W's behavior continues, specifically the lies and the lying to her. My challenge and/or the C's challenge is to get my D13 to accept that my W is going to continue to lie about things. Of course, I understand the mind of the MLCer and accept it. My D13 cannot understand/accept anyone who is still doing the things that continue to hurt her, D13's C doesn't really understand either and like everyone else, thinks that I am nuts for remaining open to reconciliation with my W.

It is easier for everyone if I just say "yes, we are getting a divorce, my W's actions speak loud and clear, she is never coming back this M is dead and I am moving on and i need to help my children accept this fact." The only people that understand where I am truly at on this are here on the boards. It is true we are pushed to divorce by society, friends, family and 13 year old daughters. If I am going to teach her this lesson of commitment, forgiveness, acceptance and agape love, I have to be truthful with her about my feelings towards my wife.

It is difficult for my D13 to see me be nice and friendly to my W in spite of what she has done or is doing. D13 and I are close now, very close, when we talk she asks me, "Dad, don't you see what Mom is doing? It is not fair for her to come to the house or for you to be nice to her, she does not deserve you"

My response on several occassions has been that, " my W does deserve me and deserves my forgiveness, but if she choses not to come back I will be okay and we as a family will be okay" My daughter views this as being weak and that is the really tough part for me.

I really don't think that my D13 will have a R with my W unles we reconcile, no matter my efforts to foster the R between them. I think my D13 will get to a place where she is not angry but will not want to be in a Mother/daughter R with her mom. I think that my W will have to "own up" to what she has done and apologize to my D13 but if my W does that then that would be a major piece to the mending of our R.

I think time and patience (where have I heard that before?) will be the part of the equation that determines the ultimate outcome.