Back here, for the second time... #69

[flowmom]

Apart from that, H seems to still mirror my behaviour and tries to avoid anything that he believes would bring tension between us. Unfortunately, that means he avoids sharing with me things about the past and his thoughts/feelings... which makes me feel we are not "connected". He also tells me that he thinks what we are going trhough now is normal granted the separation and affair and that he thinks sex should follow because right now, he feels we cant share intimacy.

I don't think that sharing things about the past is the most helpful thing right now. You're both feeling really emotionally vulnerable and I think that it's a good time to focus on the present, on really basic things like: how am I feeling in my body right now? It would be so great if you could get a massage together, or go to a Turkish bath, or a meditation session, or a gentle yoga session. Is there any way that you could have a shared experience of relaxation and being in the body? It sounds like there is a lot of "head stuff" going on. You both need to get grounded and be fully in your bodies. It would be so great if you could share that "aaaaahhhhh" feeling when you truly de-stress.

It is obvious to me that if I push harder he will crack. He is walking on eggshels constantly and since I have been there I know how much it sucks...
I dont want to be asking for something he cant give because of THE WAY I am asking, do you know what I mean?

I think it would help you to try to only ask for things that your H realistically can do right now. If you're feeling an emotional need, try not to let your mind go into the whole idea of how you need your emotional needs met in the future. Just try to figure out if there's anything your H can do to directly meet that need at that moment, and ask for it with the understanding that he may refuse. That's a way that you can take responsibility for what's yours and be authentic with him, not rescuing or enabling.

Hope my ramblings are helpful.