To all who replied. Thank you so much. I am 87% there. I have read many of the posts by the guys who did what I want to do and I don't remember seeing too many that worked out. It totally makes sense, but it is hard to do. Just like my W has a fantasy in the other M, I have a fantasy in what our R was really like.
I think the reason that this is so hard is because as long as I do nothing (be distant, but nice; not bring up the R or the OM; not push her one way or the other) I can continue in my fantasy that things are not as bad as they are. It is funny, because I find myself wanting to say all the things other people in my situation say "if not for the kids I would ....." Were it not for the kids, I would like to think I could give her an ultimatum and walk away. The truth is I don't know.
I did not call her all day today and she texted 3 times checking to see "how my day was going". I finally called her back and said "day was fine, but busy. Just got out of a meeting and am driving home. It's late and you need to go to bed. Call me tomorrow in the afternoon." I will wait and see what she does tomorrow.
As far as moving back in the house, I will have to find a job in our town (or even close) that pays enough to keep the roof over our heads till we can sell the house. I will start looking in the morning. I have a lot of logistics to work out.
I believe I have to do it, but the thought of doing it is killing me. It is funny, I have been a competitive athlete all my life; tested for my blue belt in Karate with a torn MCL; taken on any challenge that was put before me; but the thought of taking a strong stance keeps me up at night. It is the hope that she put in my head that if I just back off, things will change. It is the fear that I will be the one who ruins everything. It is the certainty that she will leave me for good if I push too hard.
With the first EA, when I finally figured it out and knew exactly what was going on, I wrote an email that basically said "I know about OM. If you want to drop him then we can work on the M. If not, then this is over and we can both go on." I never sent it because right before I was about to send it, I noticed that she was losing interest in the OM. She broke it off shortly there after (including blocking him from her email account).
Now I wish I had sent the first letter as I was in a better position then to kick her out (was not working full time in another state). None of the base issues were addressed and now she has a new EA with a different OM.
OK, I guess I am whining and need to shut up. I guess over the next week I will get ready to risk ending my marriage and when I fly out next week have the conversation face to face.
This really sucks.
Me 36 W 40 S 13, 9, 7 ILYBNILWY 2-08 Discovered EA 3-08 Reconciled 7-08 She says she's been faking it 11-09 She wants to separate 12-09
Were it not for the kids, I would like to think I could give her an ultimatum and walk away. The truth is I don't know.
How could you? Aren't we usually programmed to connect with trust and then build a family?
The 3 texts sound like she is seeing something new in you that she loves. You are giving her time, being supportive, offering your hand without chasing her down. But...do you want her back, or are you unsure?
With the first EA, when I finally figured it out and knew exactly what was going on, I wrote an email that basically said "I know about OM. If you want to drop him then we can work on the M. If not, then this is over and we can both go on." I never sent it because right before I was about to send it, I noticed that she was losing interest in the OM. She broke it off shortly there after (including blocking him from her email account).
Now I wish I had sent the first letter as I was in a better position then to kick her out (was not working full time in another state). None of the base issues were addressed and now she has a new EA with a different OM.
My brother once told me, "Pup, no one ever says, on their death bed, 'I wish I had spent more time at the office, and I wish I had taken LESS risk in my life.' "
What I was saying was that while I know the only way to get her back may be to let her go, I (would like to) think I would not be so passive and chicken about it if I was not so concerned about putting the kids through the strain of a separation/divorce. I meant what I told her that if we divorce I will hate it, but then I will move on and be fine. It is knowing that the kids will be forever changed that kills me.
Me 36 W 40 S 13, 9, 7 ILYBNILWY 2-08 Discovered EA 3-08 Reconciled 7-08 She says she's been faking it 11-09 She wants to separate 12-09
I could not agree with you more. It is just hard to shake the fear that the collective wisdom of the board is wrong and that I know better what to do in this situation (and yes I do see the irony that if I was so darn smart I would not be in this situation in the first place.)
The other thing is the finality of it. I know that once I throw down the gauntlet I can never pick it up again. Once I draw a line I can't then back away because I then lose all credibility, leverage and power in the relationship. I know that she is the one who chose to engage in this behavior; but if feels like if I am the one to set the boundary that she is not willing to honor, I am the one ending it.
Man this is hard.
Me 36 W 40 S 13, 9, 7 ILYBNILWY 2-08 Discovered EA 3-08 Reconciled 7-08 She says she's been faking it 11-09 She wants to separate 12-09
I have not called her today, but she got stopped for expired tags on a car we purchased in Dec (she just never took care of the tags and insurance). She called and texted me all day and when I had a break in between appointments she called again and I answered. She asked me if I could call the insurance company and tell them that she was coming by to insure the vehicle (I used to do all this stuff and everything is in my name).
I thought about telling her that she had to figure it out but she was taking our S-9 to weigh-in's at a huge wrestling tournament (and I wanted to be the Knight in shining armor). I called and got everything square for her to take the car in to the insurance company, and made sure she knew how to get there. She said: "thank you, you are my savior"
I responded with my standard line: "that is what I do".
She then followed it with: "if you were here I would give you a big smooch."
I say: "I'd take it. Look I have to go, but text me later and let me know that you got the tags and how much they were"
Later I get the text telling me she got it and what the amount was.
I text back: "great, now you are legal ;-)"
She responds with: "Now we are legal :-D"
Thoughts???
Last edited by Ozymandias; 02/05/1008:36 PM. Reason: clarity
Me 36 W 40 S 13, 9, 7 ILYBNILWY 2-08 Discovered EA 3-08 Reconciled 7-08 She says she's been faking it 11-09 She wants to separate 12-09
I totally want her back. I meant what I told her that if we divorce I will hate it, but then I will move on and be fine.
Kids - isn't it hard on them either way? Right now, she's asked you not to come home. How much more confusing can that be? During one fight, my W said she's leaving and not coming back. In another, she said standing next to our daughter that we are getting a D. It is hard to imagine that the kids don't know something is ary. Just make sure information is timely, not beyond their comprehension, and not drivin by anger, spite, frustration, or other emotions like that.
There was no doubt in my mind, until this month, that I believed that had it not been for our kids that I was ready to move on. Keeping the two sources of love helped me see where my love for my kids was, and where it was/wasn't for my wife. Does that make sense? This is, I think, a key boundary - separating your love of kids and that for your wife and trying hard to see them as related, but distinct. Kind of like you'd see a person's lifestyle and a medical condition as related, you would still be treating the two items differently.
On a related note, I think your fear for following blog advice is wise. We've read the books, understood them differently or similarly, and tried applying them in our situations. We are not the authors, who are also human.
Gnosis said somewhere 'respond' not 'react'. To me, those are applicable to everyone.
Going 'dark', setting boundaries, confronting over an EA, moving home,...,all of these you need to proccess and choose. I've been told or read so many things my mind spins. Then there are cost considerations, personality differences, M history, and more to factor in. Some advice I've read has seemed mean and poorly timed for some people, but that same advice to others seemed to have been completely appropriate?
Med analogy: Would you give penicillin for alls kind of infection at all stages of the infection?
Some good advice I've heard has been: - Don’t pursue - Let your S know you want them by actions - Avoid the R talks when possible, show improvement - Don’t rush, be patient - Know your goals for you - Know your relationship needs - Deal with psychological issues - Don’t blame God for human mistakes and sins - Go to Retrouvaille or other programs/counsellors that improve communication and feelings of connectedness - Read books to help understand her way of seeing the same problem - Vent on the blog, not to your S - End all EA/PA situations; can’t have a 3 wheeled marriage
You might hear others. Isn't our hearing best when it hits the nerve?
I thought about telling her that she had to figure it out but she was taking our S-9 to weigh-in's at a huge wrestling tournament (and I wanted to be the Knight in shining armor). .... She said: "thank you, you are my savior" ....She responds with: "Now we are legal :-D"
Awesome. Just awesome.
When kids are small or big, it is much easier to force the S to do it themselves. I find that with kids in the middle, there are too many things to cut all ties without hurting the kids. As long as it feels right, reasonable, and isn't "cake eating" on her part.
Well said. That is what I am trying to do: sift and find the right solution. If I knew for sure what it was, then I would not hesitate to do it, but the uncertainty/finality is what kills me.
As far as the boys go, I may be deluded, but the all the kids know is that dad is doing what dads do: provide for the family. I call and write letters. I have boys so as long as the cable is on, the gamecube is working, and the Rhapsody subscription is paid; they are cool.
They love me when I am home and hate it when I have to leave "how many days will you be staying here" "when are you coming back" but because I have never worked a "normal 9-5" they are used to me coming and going at weird times. Whenever I am home I take individual "daddy time" with each of them (usually involves food, games, and me buying something). Their behavior has not changed (all are still getting good grades, no behavior problems at school or at home, not excessively clingy or aloof) so I think they have been shielded from the storm.
So far.
Me 36 W 40 S 13, 9, 7 ILYBNILWY 2-08 Discovered EA 3-08 Reconciled 7-08 She says she's been faking it 11-09 She wants to separate 12-09
