how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

got a call from my mother on my way home from work...the second i answer, i hear, "you need to pack your things and go stay with your sister tonight." we're expecting a LOT of snow starting tomorrow afternoon and i know she was just worried about me being snowed in, but i told her i have to go to work tomorrow, plus my sister would have to drive here to get me and the dog since i no longer have a car, not to mention drive us back here in the morning so i could leave the dog at my apartment. i ATTEMPTED to draw a line, i said, mom, i appreciate that you're worried but i'm a grown up and i won't be stranded alone, i live in a building full of other people, so don't worry about me i will be fine. her response was a huffy "whatever" and she quickly hung up.

sometimes i feel like my mother is giving me a damn harder time than my H is.

anyway, that was just a rant. we are supposed to get a lot of snow over the weekend and it would be so nice to be snowed in with the dog and my H. i know that's wishful thinking, and i do have friends in my apartment building, but it's not the same. besides, not much GAL-ing to be done when everything in the city is closed cause of the snow. i did stock up on wine and movies, but...it would just be nice if he were here to keep me warm, i guess. i do have a 90 pound dog who thinks he's a snuggie, so i guess i don't have it that bad. but even with all the GAL-ing, at the end of the day, i'm having one-sided conversations with a dog and it gets lonely.

i looked for apartments online today. have only gone i think 1 or 2 days with NC in the last few weeks. i never contact him first, so i guess it's nice that he's at least reaching out in some way, even if it's just to talk about our storage unit or bank account or something. he did say he felt i was doing a lot better in the self-improvement department than he was. but i also have my church and a much better support system than he does.

there's really no point to this post, i'm just talking out loud. the dog got tired of listening so, i had to take it to the internets.

[Onthemountaintop]

My dad does the huff and puff...but I just understand that he is hurt that I can't talk to him.

Maybe you can make a snowman that looks like your H, kiss it, then hit it really hard! I wonder if my W punched me if I would just wake up from this mutual nightmare?

Isn't it selfish that we don't get our spouses online here? I know why I don't, I'm afraid she'll find a post about her and then....BAM!

Maybe you can teach the dog to talk during the snow?

[trytryagain]

very funny, otm. i've been narrating my dog's life since the day he came home from the animal shelter 5 years ago! if he hasn't learned to speak for himself yet, he clearly has nothing to say!

i do feel the same way, like, if only i could get my H to do this much work and read the books i'm reading or talk to other people in our situation, MAYBE he'd come around...but you're right, i'd flip out if my H ever saw a post about himself. not that i've ever posted that he was a selfish a-hole. cause that's just not even true.

i like the snowman idea. i think it would be very theraputic to kick a snowman where the sun don't shine.

[Onthemountaintop]

Maybe he's a text message kind of dog...

[pearlharbr]

TTA, listen to Talia. You need to back way off and use the time to work on yourself. It is pointless thinking about spending time with H or doing X, Y, or Z to make him see the light. Use this alone time to figure out what truly makes TTA happy and what would the best possible TTA look like.

Get your own apartment. Pick out a place that YOU like. Make it feel like YOUR home. Signing a lease does not close the door on H, it's just a lease. Even if H wants to reconcile tomorrow it would not be wise to jump right back into things. This time for yourself is an opportunity that not everyone gets, use it wisely.

[talia]

What Pearl Said!


T

[trytryagain]

thanks, girls. i'm doing my best to use my "me time" wisely, although i will admit to my fair share of crying myself to sleep last night. i should have sent out invitations to THAT pity party! my H only moved out one week ago, so i guess i'm just still adjusting to being on my own for the first time in 5 years. not that i don't think i'm capable of doing it.

i know signing a lease doesn't close the door but it doesn't seem to do much to keep it open, either.

[Onthemountaintop]

my H only moved out one week ago, so i guess i'm just still adjusting to being on my own for the first time in 5 years.

i know signing a lease doesn't close the door but it doesn't seem to do much to keep it open, either.

You shouldn't worry about having a pity party as long as it doesn't consume you. While my 11 years is longer than 5, even as a guy sort-of in the driver's seat, it is hard to avoid. Your worries about the lease seem normal and natural. Gnosis said something like 'responding' instead of 'reacting'. If you are responding and the emotions are in the way, it's a problem~

[trytryagain]

i try not to let it consume me, but this is so new i'm not quite over the hump yet. last night was the first time i'd cried in at least a few days. hopefully some QT with friends this weekend will help get me out of my funk, and i did get to the gym last night and did some yoga at home - only to end up sobbing my way through my poses.

what's the difference between responding and reacting?? isn't responding with emotion the same thing as reaction?

[Onthemountaintop]

Responding is an answer. Reacting is that gut feeling that directs your mind and body. I’m VERY bad at responding!

Another way to look at it is the 'four horsemen' (contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and ...the other one) get us to react. So I guess I'm trying to say that if your emotional release is a realese and can help you make a response that is calm, you shouldn't worry - it might be very good to let it out.