I've hit a wall.. Now what?

[talia]

Hey Cutter! Thanks for checking on me! I need the love this week.
I'm journaling, musing, whining and trying to get my thoughts out of my head ......

I screwed myself this morning by going on H's FB page. Apparently I have masochistic tendencies. Now I'm back to feeling the way I did when I first found out about the A. It becoming clear that its going strong, which isn't new because I assumed that, but still hurts. There are posts from OW's BFF saying how they will be going to all of his softball games this summer and replies about how excited the W's of some our joint friends are about that. Nice to know they have just accepted her as my replacement. He's friend-ed OW's family recently. I'm told that OW's family - mom at least - hates H because of how things were between them when they dated 10 years ago in high school. Apparently she felt that H was the reason OW tried to commit suicide every other day for years. Apparently that's all been resolved.

I'm going through one of the inevitable "Screw this its not worth trying to bust my D anymore" DBing moments. I just don't think I can do this anymore. Its humiliating to know that there is this entire life going on in front of me, with everyone lying to me about it, and I'm sure I'm the joke of the group. (Over dramatic and slightly ridiculous - I know). I just want to call all of his friends and yell at them. I had a moment fantasizing of posting on my FB status "Just so everyone on here knows, H is a liar and an adulterer and his OW is... and Since she is married too; she is a liar and adulterer and I think everyone should shun them for their immorality" NOW THAT would be different!

I'm starting to see no reason to meet him at all. I don't see why I should have a conversation with him - whats the point - you can't have a negotiation when there is a third person involved. I'm speaking to L tomorrow over lunch - that should help me with my legal options. I'll formulate a plan from there.

I'm not sure I could take him back anymore. The longer this goes, the less love and respect I have for him. I don't know if I could ever look at him and see the man I married ever again... Pearl... I'm starting to relate to the last few months of your thread.

UGH.... I know this is normal - the ups and downs - but I hate the fact that H can still make me feel this way.....

My sister stayed over last night, so it was nice to have some company. I slept pretty well, but dreamed that H and I got back together, so that didn't help. That's one of those mornings where you wake up and for a split second forget....

Embrace the suck!


T