Onwards and upwards!

[P17]

Ewwwwwwwww. Holding a girl's hand.... Sorry P I am not there yet. I have not really thought about that stuff yet.

It just came naturally cutter. One thing I missed about W was physical contact. I was never much into it until I met her. I missed it a lot and holding hands actually was just quite ... nice. But yeah, girls are yucky

Good question though.

One that will require a few pints in person to talk about.

Look forward to that. I'll buy the first round!

I think we both are just moving along with our lives. Removing or changing the toxic. We both came to the same thoughts over the last week. Why do we seek those who purposely chose to hurt us emotionally, mentally or physically?

I think that's the crux Cutter. You can only take so much hurt, pain, rejection and venom from the other side. Couple that with our own feelings of pain, hurt, broken heart, not knowing, not understanding, sorrow and anger and the mind will only take so much from the heart before it steps in and says 'enough is enough'.

I do admire those people who can last years fighting for their spouse. In the end, my mind locked the love for W away in my heart and the key was hidden from me. Maybe one day it will be opened again and the love can flourish or set free. I don't know. Six months of pain was enough for me to heal, get perspective and hindsight and understand that, you know what, life goes on.

I loved W will all of my heart. She was my first true true love. The girl I married almost 4 years ago I would marry again in a heartbeat. She was the sweetest, happiest, big hearted and beautiful woman inside and out that I had simply ever met. She could lift me up with just a phone call to hear her voice. I did truly believe that somewhere, past or present, I had done something and was being 'rewarded' by letting me spend my life with this angel. I now believe that she was part of my journey. But only a small part.

The girl my W has become I would not have a second date with. She is mean, vindictive, selfish, heartless, uncaring, self-absorbed, cowardly and untrustworthy. No matter what happens to her, that girl I met 7 years ago will never return. It is her I miss. Not the W that is here now. I've said that before but it's sunk in now.

After only 6 months, I don't want W back. We'd be back in this situation again in another 4 years or so. She has boundary issues with the opposite sex and no commitment to marriage. She has no communication skills whatsoever and short of being a mind reader, I'd be wondering the same stuff in the future that I worried about in the past. I love her. I am not in love with her. Life is far far too short to spend it with somebody who wants to spend their time hurting us emotionally, mentally and physically and has no respect for us or our family; who believes that their short term happiness supercedes that of everybody else in their lives.

Sorry Rant over.

Perhaps one day down the road they will decide to stop with this behaviour. But we are at a point now where we know it does not matter. We can carry our hurt. For it no longer is a burden, but a badge of inner courage.

I couldn't have put it better myself Cutter. We have pain. That pain I don't think will ever truly go away. It's a pain that people who have not had infidelity thrust upon them don't understand. What we do is learn to deal with that pain.

I have many divorced friends who offer well meaning advice but they haven't been in the position I am in and simply don't understand the feelings we go through. We can't just move on with our lives like they have. We have the pain of rejection and being replaced to work out first. But we will learn to deal with it. So we do. We understand ourselves. We look at where our relationship went wrong. We look at our role in all of that and we chastise and blame ourselves for it. We then walk further down the path and realise that there were two people in the relationship and we can't be to blame for it all. We understand who we are, what we want and who we want it with. We have anger. We have acceptance. We have sorrow and we finally have forgiveness.

I said many months ago that LBS's, once they understand themselves are simply better people than WAS's. Somebody corrected me and said we were just different. I stand by what I said. I am a better person right now than my W. I know me. I know what went wrong and I've forgiven her (for most) and me for it all. She hasn't done any of this and she has ALL this sh&t to come. She can't get away from it. The mind doesn't work like that. And when it does fall upon her head, she will have a breakdown. This is one thing I haven't changed my mind about. My gut has been good up until now - I trust it. It tells me she is heading for a breakdown.

I am in a far better place now than I was even a month ago. The switch has flipped and I have switched the lights off on the way out. Life is looking up again and for the first time in a very VERY long time (and I'm talking years now months) I am excited about life and work again. Things are looking up for P. Life will be good again either on my own or with that special someone. W did all this for me with her 'in the process of a divorce' statement on Facebook! That was the final straw. Facebook, I love ya!

Another rant over

Something like that. Its 7am and I heading out the door to work...

For 7am that was good enough for me Cutter