I met with the psychiatrist today for the routine medication check up. After I shared my concerns about what was going on my life, he asked about the kids. I told how each was doing wonderfully in different ways. A sense of happiness and pride flooded through me.
My oldest is making his way through work having just graduated from college. My second son is enthusiastic about his major and is just incredible. My youngest, my daughter is blossoming academically, in swimming and in theater.
She has not had a prolonged bout of the mysterious muscle/joint/odd ailment pains so no extended absences which means she's not playing catch up in school. She knows that I view her voice lessons as important as the mortgage, so that will be a constant.
And I realized that I don't have to be mother AND father. That being a mom is more than enough. She and her brothers will have their own relationship with their dad, that they forge, that works (or doesn't work) for them. But I am who I am.. and will always be. Mom. What a gift.
At the end, the doc told me to realize that the reason why the kids are all doing so well is by watching me. That they see me continually struggle and succeed. That that is the role model they are adopting.
And that all the kids are strong, especially in lieu of their father's choice in being nearly absent.
Yesterday I drove the 90 minutes to see my middle son at college, to touch base, to just spend a meal together. I then called my mother-in-law to see if she'd want a visit. She's 94 and beginning to become absentminded. She was thrilled so I drove the hour to see her, ended up taking a quick nap (since I'd been too stressed to sleep the night before) and had dinner with her and my sis-in-law and her husband. Then it was another 90 minutes to get home.
I learned that a year makes a big difference after a divorce. By not putting pressure on my in-laws during the process and afterwards, by being open to a renewed relationship on what worked for both of us that I still continue to have that part of my family. That I go out of my way, by my choice, to stay in contact and visit my mother-in-law shows how I care more than any words would.
So.. my take on all this is...
Give extended family, in-law relationships a year to find their balance.
Don't burn bridges.
Respect that divorce is gut wrenching for all, not just the divorcing couple and their children. Respect that in-laws hurt too. That neither you or them can be a support when both are wounded.
Allow your children to have their own relationship with their divorcing parent. It won't be what they have with you, but it will be theirs. Respect it and be there to support them.
Children need both parents.. period. Never try to be everything for them.
Keep trying, even if you feel you're not doing as good of a job as you think you could. Children watch. Children model after your behavior.
Give yourself a pat on the back, because you're wonderful.
