Question

[awest1217]

I have been thinking a lot today because I feel unsatisfied and I am not sure why. I really feel one week ago, H and I finally got over a huge hump and things have been uphill since, but I think my biggest thing is the trust. I can't trust H. I don't want to tell him that, but at the same time, I don't want to just say, I trust you completely either because I know that is just lying to myself. I have been dealing with OW on an EA side for 10 years. I really don't want that life anymore, but I can't really tell H how I am feeling because it has only been a week and I don't want him to think I don't appreciate what he has been doing.

What I think is really setting me off, is the fact that H has only come over once this week. I have been busy, but at the same time, he talks about wanting to come home and missing us...so why not come over more? I don't want to get back to us seeing him twice a week, texting and that is it. Like I said it is just the first week and I need to be patient, but what is going through my head is "is he still with OW?" is OW spending the night", "has he told OW yet why he isn't talking to her?" as of the last conversation on AIM i read, he only said he was playing with S and never mentioned me (see previous posts for more). Now that way the day after our talk, but still. Has he told her yet? We had a good texting conversation after work and he actually asked about my day, which is a first in a while, once again progress. About an hour after the last text, he texts me and says "just a reminder...i love you :*" He has been sending stuff like that a lot since last week so I want to believe he is doing this to reassure me, which I have asked for. I really want to believe that, but I just can't. I know trusting will take a long time, but I don't want to sell him short on what he is doing to help. I always smile when he does stuff like that. It always makes me feel better...it is just trusting.

The progress that has been made in a week is awesome. I mean really climbing the mountain. I think I am just scared of what is around the corner. Is this really the truth or is he just doing this for now so he can keep me and OW? I believe he understands I mean business about changing the OW part and I have been assuring him about other talents he has so that I am affirming him, which is where I lacked and OW picked up the slack.

Maybe it is just that one year ago this weekend, is the first weekend H lied to me about hanging out with OW. He was supposed to go to this youth conference I am going to this year, with S and I last year. He cancelled last minute to get work done...come to find out, OW was here Friday night for Chinese and Saturday to help pick out his glasses, and on top of that OW2 that popped up again right before Christmas. It was one year ago this weekend, that she called H because he was trying to contact her to make amends without me knowing. I listened on the stairs to his conversation and come to find out, he did have feelings for her and the OW at the time were all to fill the void that was left when I forced him to let her go. I heard all of this and text him to just leave and be with her. He right away hung up the phone and came running upstairs to say he was just resolving feelings, but he loved me. They didn't talk again until right around Christmas where they started IMing and texting. It was one year ago the earthquake of my life started....and now thinking back it really hurts to still be wondering.

A little weak tonight, but will be better tomorrow.

[awest1217]

Really, really, really mad. S's daycare called me today at work to say he had really bad diaper rash. I was surprised because he was completely fine this morning. I checked it tonight after his bath, and it was really bad. I don't think it is diaper rash because otherwise he went from nothing to whole behind and moving up to the front, bright red hurting rash. After our talk last week, H had said if I had called when S was sick, he would drop everything to come so I thought I would try calling him first, more to see if he could help me research what we could do or what is going on. Nothing to flaming in 12 hours...

H didn't answer so I called my mom who referred me to my grandma who helped a lot. I tried calling H again, and he still didn't answer. Then I get on FB and who is on...H who gets off right away. UGH! How am I supposed to trust him at all when he does this. And to think after baths I was planning on helping my trust issue by sending H a nice text about how I appreciate all he is doing and like how on days I am emotional I can reread his texts and it helps me, but UGH!

I think right now why bother, when everytime I call he never answers. He will respond to texts, but not answer his phone...it is always upstairs or ringer is off or some other excuse, but when I text him, I always get an answer right away. Not good for the trust issue I am already having.

He wants to make dinner tomorrow and just now texts me saying "i was working out then taking a shower" You were just on facebook! UGH!

[Lucky11too]

Definitely keep an eye on that sleep apnea. I've done some research on it, and in extreme cases, it can be deadly. Obviously H is not that bad, but any level is not good as your brain gets deprived of oxygen. It does sound like your H has it though. I remember watching H sleep recently, and his whole stomach would pull in and his breath would catch. It's just so scary to any hear it.

I was reading your above post, and once your trust is broken, I know how hard it is to regain that trust. H has to realize this and be willing to help you thru the process (with the whole transparency thing). I know you can't let your guard down completely b/c you've been so hurt, but as long as he continues to be trustworthy (and for your own sake, be able to validate it thru your available sources), you have to be open in return. Change is slow, but at least he appears to be coming clean with you. Maybe watch for an opening where you can explore this more with him (I know you don't want to overwhelm him as he's just starting out, but if you are able to somehow work it in, in a positive way).

Regarding the next post, first off, poor S! =( But with H, I think it's less of a trust issue then, maybe call it, a protecting issue. You have a valid reason to be upset b/c he promised to be there for you and take care of you and S when you needed him, but he wasn't. And making excuses about why he can't answer his phone doesn't help either. It's frustrating, but try not to respond to harshly to him. In cases like this, I try to find some way to turn it into a learning experience. I know you had said H needs to feel needed, so maybe you could explain in I statements how you felt that he wasn't there for you to help him understand what you expect from him(but still appreciate the other times when he is there - like if he comes to make dinner tomorrow night). These are just such trying and rocky times for us all. We never know which way the boat is going to tip. We just have to remind each other to stay strong, and one way or another, we will get thru this!

[awest1217]

Last night, I did get a little snippy with H so this morning on my way to work I called to give him an update on S and then said I was sorry. I told him that I have learned I am a very interpersonal person and when something comes up I need someone to brainstorm with so I was upset he couldn't be that person. We are on for tonight which is good, and he slept last night (he was just getting up when he should have been at work). The only thing I am concerned about is one that I think OW spent the night last night. I can't confirm it, but just a hunch, which is why he slept better.

My real concern that I think I will bring up tonight is in our talk H brought up how he hates just being at home on the weekends. With S and I beign going Friday and Saturday, I am really concerned he will go somewhere with OW and just not tell me. If I found out, this would just destroy everything that has been accomplished. Plus tomorrow is when I pay the cell phone bill and I will check to see if H has been talking to OW as much or really cutting back like he says. A little scared about that, but I need to know the truth and like I said before I am really scared this weekend will be like last year and H will just do stuff with OW and not tell me. I will then feel bad because I finally chose to do something for me and he does that...a lot of weird emotions going on.

[Lucky11too]

That is a tough one. It's going to be hard not to think about what he's up to this weekend while you are gone. If the opportunity presents itself tonight I think it would be good to discuss some of the concerns you are having. It should be his job to reassure you. Explain that you are working on trusting him again but it is a process and thank him for continuing to support your R by reassuring you. Explain too that the biggest thing about regaining trust is about being open and honest, and maybe even ask of him, that if he has any slips or backtracks that he just be honest with you about it. He's still at the beginning stages and he might have some slip ups, but like you said, to lie about them, would just put the nail in the coffin.

BTW, how is S doing? And did you get a positive response then from H when you explained that you were an interpersonal person?

[awest1217]

S is dong much better and tonight's dinner was good. I really enjoyed listening to H talk about his classroom. He is a really awesome teacher. I am just feeling kind of weird and I don't know if it is just part of the cycle or not. I am kind of feeling like who might I be missing? I mean I am waiting on H and he is being good. He is texting and reassuring me a lot, but I just don't know. I am pretty sure this is just my defenses going up because I don't want to get hurt again, especially when I was finally ok being without him, and now we are hitting the anniversaries of the bad. I am not showing the fear to H, or at least I don't this so, but it is still there, and I am not sure how to say anything to H without him getting dragged down and giving up. UGH!

[Lucky11too]

I think that is a completely normal feeling. It has definitely passed thru my head (especially recently) when I wonder why I put up with this. But the one thing I keep reminding myself is of my wedding vows - I promised to be there for him thru the good and the bad. It's easy to rationalize that they did not keep their wedding vows so why should we keep ours, but it's not our job to keep score or punish them. God is the ultimate judge, not us. At some point this will end one way or another, but we just have to keep giving it our all until that point. I know you don't want to get hurt and this unknown path you're taking right now is scary. Just keep giving him the benefit of the doubt until he proves otherwise. It's hard to hold in your feelings, but there will be a point where you will be able to share more openingly. Just keep giving him all the love and encouragement you can and just help him keep moving in the right direction. You have just been doing so awesome with this, so just keep it up. I hope you have a really great weekend at the youth camp and with your family! If the opportunity comes up, let H know you're thinking about him and miss him, but don't overthink all the negative things he could be doing. Stay positive!

[awest1217]

Thank you for the encouragement. It was weird, but H never text me last night to say good night. I sent him a text to say thank you for dinner and good night, but I got nothing back. He might have been sleeping by then (although he was on FB not too long after I text him). He said last time he wasn't on FB and I said then someone was...I wonder if OW is getting on? Anyway I just have to remember to keep being patient. I am doing the best I can to foster a good R with H, but sometimes it is hard because over Christmas I was back to really being romantically in love with H. I got butterflies when he would just sit next to me. It was all nice. Right now he will kiss me (nothing major) and there is nothing. I feel like it means nothing. I think I am wanting the romantic "i want you and never want to leave you. I am coming home and ditching OW no matter how that hurts me because I love you so much." of him telling me he is coming home because he wants to be with me no matter what, and I haven't gotten that. I feel like everything is back to how it was before. He comes over and does what he has to do in order to not lose me, but he doesn't have to sacrifice.

I know that is all wishful thinking. Thank you for the reminder about our vows. Lately, everyone around me here is saying kick him to the curb because they love me, and they are all highly religious people so when I say I am sticking it out, but with boundaries, they say "why". He cheated on you so you have the biblical right to divorce him. I try to explain how I have read even though he did that I feel it is wrong to get a divorce because God only allowed divorces because people were complaining. It was His "I've had enough. Here are the rules you want." Thank you very much for giving me that reminder. The youth conference I am praying will help, and the woman I would say is my mentor, contacted me for an update so I told her how I am feeling and hopefully she will have something to help me get over this hump because if H is serious, I don't want to be the one who is hindering everything.

[awest1217]

So I made a huge decision for me. I have decided to not pay the cell phone bill and let H do it so I am not tempted to look at the phone record and probably get mad. Later today I am going to text H and let him know that I am not going to pay the bill and why. I really want us to work and if he has slipped, which is natural, I want to hear about it from him and not through any other method. This could be the nail in my coffin, but we will see. At least I am trying.

I did text H again this morning to say good morning, but once again nothing...I don't know what is going on. He said something yesterday about his phone acting up, but for him to not contact me at all is strange considering the past week. ?

[Lucky11too]

Wow, that took a lot of strength to avoid looking at the cell bill. That's a good step for you in the road to trusting him again and it shows H your willingness to work on the R and open yourself up to him again. Let's just hope he doesn't abuse that trust.

I totally understand your feeling about you wanting H to basically say b/c I love you so much, I am willing to sacrifice. I guess it doesn't make sense to us b/c we are willing to do that and have been. To me it's like, I don't understand why that is so hard - just give up what you have to give up (OW or drinking or what the case may be) and let's just make this work! But for some reason, I think it's mostly selffishness, they think they can have it all. Luckily, I think your H is slowly coming around to the fact that he can't have both worlds and that you are completely serious and are ready to take action if he won't give it up. I know you are concerned that he is doing just enough to keep from losing you, but since you are making progress, keep positive, but also stay alert to that possibility. Him following thru with therapy would be the first good sign that he is taking this seriously as well. It would be good to follow up with him next week to see where he is with that (at least looked into, made an appt, etc...)

That is odd that he hasn't responded. I know it's hard not to jump to conclusions, but if he said his phone was acting up, then you'll have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I know it's hard b/c you need to do this to start building the trust again, but I know the fear of him hurting you again is very strong. Regarding the facebook issue with him being on, I think it's very possible that it is OW. You know how it feels to be dealing with an OW (now you) and you know she's got to be scrambling. I could imagine her checking up on H' page and probably even your page too (especially since he was commenting on yours) to see what going on. Jealousy is a power thing!

Have a great time at the youth conference. Try to enjoy it and meet new people, catch up with old friends, and enjoy the time with S. Hopefully H can continue to reassure you so that you don't have to have those annoying lingering thoughts in the back of your head all weekend. Have fun!