Doing hard time on the MLC chain gang.

[cat04]

You really brought up something that I have thought about but have repressed. That is if I get my D13 and my W to reconcile that will help me reconcile with my W.

It won't. Not directly anyway.

Now I have to be honest here and keep it real. I have thought about my D13 hating and detesting my W for the rest of my D13's life, the ultimate "See what you have done, serves you right biotch" to my wife. I would be lying if I said that evil thought never crossed my mind especially in the scenario that my W and I never reconcile.

This is vindictive. Please do not let your D or your W know you have had this thought.

The flip side of that thought is "What a great father and husband I will be if I can somehow foster reconciliation between D13 and my W" and my W will obviously come running back into my arms.

This has nothing to do with what kind of husband you are.

It has everything to do with what type of father you are.

To foster the R between your W and your D, will show your D that you are a good father.

In order to do that, you have to remove yourself from the equation emotionally.

Whether we want to admit it or not, unless there is extreme abuse, all children need both of their parents. Good or bad. Happy or not.

Regardless of whether your D wants to see her mother or not, at her age, she does NEED her. She needs her for guidance as well as to complete that separation process that Jack referred to that occurs when children go through adolescence. To figure out who she is becoming as she transitions from girl to woman. She also needs a R with you to make this transition successfully.

I do know that ultimately my D13 will benefit from having a R with my W no matter what, even if my D13 doesn't realize it right now.

She won’t realize it. She is a 13 year old girl. These feelings are actually normal although they are probably intensified because of the situation.

I am not sure where my D13's C (not psycologist but licensed child therapist, I researched her thoroughly) falls on the subject of whether or not my D13 "needs" to have a R with my W.

This is actually a question I WOULD ask, because IMO, any child therapist should recognize the need for parental input, at least at the beginning. Later she may determine it is not a good idea, but I don’t get the feeling that she has been around long enough to make that determination yet.

This is a very difficult thing you are struggling with.

We see how this impacts our children and because we are not the ones causing the pain directly, it is very easy to get angry and place the blame on our S. And to hold to the idea that they are not good or effective parents.

Although I do not think my H is the best father he could be right now, and I fought for a long time whether I thought he was a good father at all, I chose to listen to my S’s feelings about the matter. He has a good handle on it even though he does have anger with his dad.

I have, in living my life, left them alone, with H having the option of being responsible or not, and although their time together has not been as enriching as I might like it to be, when I come home after being gone for a weekend, the house is still standing, S has been fed, and life continues.

I cannot judge him for what I think is lacking in their R. That is for them to work out. All I can do is be here, as a sounding board for my S and his feelings, as his mother, his friend, his stable person. He is 15 and a half. He recognizes this from me now. He did not when this all started. But because I have been here and been consistent, he is doing well. Not perfect, what child is? But well. Much better than he could be doing.

I see no harm in being perfectly honest with your kids. “I have no idea what is going to happen down the road. I am willing to consider every option that is there. For now, this is where we are and we are going to do what we have to, to make ourselves happy and not let this destroy our lives.” Or something to that effect.