He's in control, in fact so much control that he doesn't care what you do or say, he knows that you aren't going anywhere and when someone has that much power in a relationship, they will abuse their partners: mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically, financially, etc. etc. etc.
When people enjoy this much power in a relationship they will treat their spouses poorly. Luvless, you don't respect yourself enough and believe in your value enough and he takes you for granted.
Rob, You posted this on luvless's thread. I agree with what you are saying and understand how and why it happens. I have seen it here when there is a shift in power. Please take this in the spirit in which it is given but I see this in your relationship right now. You hold the power and control. No critique or advice just my observation.
Cheers
Sorry guys I missed all of this, I was replying to a few hot threads the other day and this thread of mine doesn't get alot of activity, by the time there's an update, it's buried under all of the other thread action.
Coach your points are valid, but I'm not abusive to my wife, I'm not using her, being cruel or mean to her, just indifferent and I think for the time being, it has to be this way and not for a short period of time. Throughout the bulk of our relationship she knew how much I deeply loved her, I was the guy that placed her on that pedestal and attributed so much value to her and so little value to myself. I can see in her phone calls that she tests to see if I want to add something else to the conversation or tell her my feelings or something to that effect, "is that it? is there anything else?" and I just reply "nope that's it, I'm busy right now, have to get back to work, talk to you later, bye..."
And she feels it, I'm pulling away and she continues to pursue and it was that way when it was the other way around, she pulled away and I pursued. I have to let her pursue, in fact she gets something out of this, reading alot of Gucci's posts, she wants to pursue, that's how it was during her affair, she pursued the other guy and he gave her very little time after he had gotten what he wanted.
I still haven't gone to her counselling session yet but I agreed to go. Work has been busy lately (actually it always is busy) and I have a week long trip coming up and she herself ended up picking up extra shifts to make more money and they are during odd hours so it's been difficult for her to continue going but she does mention how much she enjoys talking to a professional about her issues and I tell her it's a good thing and that I'm glad she's getting help. She asked if we could pencil in an appointment after I get back from my trip and I agreed, told her it might be a good thing because the counsellor may have tips on how to improve our communications when it comes to our kids, etc. and she keeps adding "it would also be good for us to, don't you agree, I know I miss talking to you about things", etc.
So coach I'm not being a prick to her, I'm just maintaining my distance and allowing her to pursue and she is pursuing, she calls often and frequently and most of the time apologizes for calling so much, sometimes the calls last a minute "I'm sorry for bothering you, just wanted to see how's work at your end".
She needs to pursue, she attributes more value to me when she pursues, and technically that's human nature: we attribute more value in things we invest more time, energy & effort in and she's doing that, I can see & feel that. With a WAW where you finally switch the dynamic around and stop pursuing and start moving on, that's what they need, they were pursuing the OM and you were pursuing her, you remove yourself as an option, you're too valuable for that nonsense, you let her go and that messes up the ideas they have in their head with how things should be going.
I know I'm on the right path, she asked to go with me when I was bringing the kids to sunday school. I was going to leave as I usually do (mass starts after sunday school so I usually grab a coffee and the paper and come back to get the kids and attend mass with them after school is done) and we stayed in the church basement where they serve coffee, sat down with some other parents who are also friends and enjoyed some conversation and she started talking about how hard it is to keep a marriage going but the effort is worth it and then she said that in our situation, she admits that she never made me a priority and that it's so important for spouses to be priorities in each other's lives, etc. Seriously these words would have never left her lips years ago, she wouldn't have cared. And then during her "speech" she mentioned that her friend who separated from her husband had recently reconciled with him and she was so happy for them, basically the conversation went like this for an hour where she was basically championing the cause of marital reconciliation, spouses should date, etc.
I'm on the right path, slow is fast in these situations and I will continue to focus on reality and what works. Maintain my distance, allow her to pursue and make effort and I see no reason to stop, I know it didn't work when I pursued her and she is genuinely happier doing this than I've seen in a long time.
FWIW I look and feel fantastic, the gym, the improved diet, the new clothes and just my attitude of being awesome is infectious with those around me at work or in my personal life, people who haven't seen me in a while come up to me and say "WOW Rob you look awesome!!!" because it's a 180 from the slob I used to be (I look and feel 10 years younger than I am, people are literally amazed) and I'm enjoying life right now quite a bit and ultimately isn't that life's best reward?
