Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

CG - absolutely, I don't deny it, the jealousy was a form of fear. I've been working hard at that...have made huge strides...not yet where I want to be, but close.

So - changing the dynamic at home - I assume you are suggested more firm behavior, not putting up with crappy attitudes/behavior, an atmosphere with more control and ramifications for poor actions/decisions?

[CityGirl]

I simply would suggest that you stop offering her so much leeway. The way to do that is to detach.

Your W is a grown woman and she is more than aware of the fact that she has two young children and has parenting responsibilities to uphold. Yet she comes home from work when she pleases, you internally fume about it then spend the rest of the night thinking of ways to reach out to her or put a ton of energy into looking for a clue on why she acted how she did.

She opted not to participate in booking a cabin for the ski trip yet once you chose something she was not happy. Well, she had the opportunity to be a part of the planning and she opted NOT to take part. Her consequence? You changed the reservation so she got what she wanted.

Why would she change? When she does something you don't like you don't really set boundaries.

She doesn't even respect you enough to be where she is supposed to be when she says she is going to be there yet instead of setting a boundary about that you spend the night trying to talk her LL. Boundaries, mutual respect and detachment MUST come first or any gesture to talk her LL will a total waste of time.

You fear losing her but really, what have you got to lose at this point? She treats you like a roommate and has really put her responsibilities at home on the back burner. And so far you have not indicated to her that you are not okay living that sort of life.

If you had a co-worker that showed up late all the time, didn't do what his job entails, didn't show you respect and basically did as they pleased would you reward that behavior with "private office talks about personal stuff" and trying to connect with them on a deeper level? I doubt it.

You keep trying to connect with your W on a deeper level but until some healthy boundaries are set and some respect is regained I don't feel that will ever happen.

[gutwrenching]

CG - thanks for the back and forth and thorough explanations. Not tonight as I have said, but something I really got to step back, look at again, and figure out why I slipped back so far when I had been making at least a little progress.

[rockedworld]

And yes I have always been very lenient on crappy behavior, even when things were going ok with us.

GW,
Read this quote again and give it some serious thought. What message do you think this has sent to your W?

I am asking you this because this is something I have had to realize in my own sitch. Being that lenient leads to disrespect on the part of the WAS.

Now is the time to change these patterns. Either way, whether your M survives this sitch of not, it will be good for you. You need to work on self respect, so you interact with your wife as a man worthy of respect, not one to walked over.

Do this for YOU and your girls GW.

And, I wanted to add that I am also very sorry about your dog. I have 3 myself and they are very special to me.
((hugs))

[gutwrenching]

Rocked - thank you. Of course you are right. I never saw it before, I thought it was me being a good/loving husband by accepting the bad moods and pressing ahead. Never realized it would lead to this.

I am committed to no more. I really am.

Didn't have any of that to deal with last night. We kind of just pulled together as a family and dealt with the kids/dog. She was very friendly/respectful all night. We hung out with the kids, then some friends came over to see the dog, then W suggested we watch some TV which we did till we were falling asleep, then to bed. She didn't turn to me for any support over the dog sitch and I didn't offer any.

Thanks for the hugs. Big thanks. We've had him for 11 years, got him before we had kids...it was sad to post something on facebook and his pic last night...

W is now debating waiting till Monday to put him down. She is involving me in the decision process and I am fine with Monday...one more weekend. It doesn't help with my detaching, but if it helps my older daughter which I think it will, then so be it.

Last night actually gave me some more resolve to try to work this out. Seeing how devasated D8 was over losing a dog, I can't imagine giving her a talk on why we won't be togehter as a family any longer. Not fun.

[rockedworld]

I know GW, I talked with my IC yesterday about how ironic it was that the thing I had been doing in my M that I thought was a "good" thing (being accepting, easy going, not rocking the boat, etc.) was, in effect, a huge factor in what lead to the crisis in our M (not that I am taking responsibility for H's choices... not at all! I just have to own my part). I wish I had seen it sooner. You have the ability to change that now.

It is possible that this crisis with the dog will have some effect on waking your W up out of the fog... to see her kids' emotions about loss. My H and I just talked about this last night - there were two crucial things that happened that started to wake him up. One was when he told the kids he was considering moving out and they all cried. It shook him up and got him to recognize how much he would be hurting them. Second was a funeral we attended at that same time of the pastor who had married us. H said he had to start to realize the impact of loss and that he had the option to not create more loss by ending the M.

Right now, you are doing the right thing to focus on the sitch with the dog, your kids' emotions, being together as a family. You will all be grieving, and hopefully can pull together to get through that.

more (((hugs)))

[Lost Rabbit]

Just wanted to add that Im thinking of you and thanks you have given me some food for thought!

[gutwrenching]

Rocked - thanks again and you just described my thought process over the years to a tee (being accepting, easy going, not rocking the boat, etc)...that has been me for our entire M. I too wish I had seen in sooner and like you said, this in no way excuses my W's EA nor how she handled our sitch as it was going down the drain. I am still hurt/angry about all that, but I need to recognize my shortcomings and you have helped me a lot with that over the past couple of months. You and I seem to be awfully similar, I so appreciate being able to get your views/experience b/c I think we are pretty similar in many aspects.

There has been a ton of emotion from D8 over the dog (D3 doesn't seem to really grasp/understand)...but IF (and I have no expectations) emotions will get to her, she is seeing plenty of it. D8 couldn't go to sleep last night, we took turns heading upstairs to talk/console her (hey isn't that a nice change...I didn't have to do it all) and it was probably 2 or more hours before she was ever able to fall asleep because she was so upset and crying.

(((Hugs))) back at you.

[gutwrenching]

Thank you Rabbit. I want you to know I log in every day and just know that 9 days out of 10 I can count on getting a note from you and it means a lot. I look forward to it.
GW

[sandi2]

City Girl is communicating in a very clear way and I can see that it clicks with you. That is always a great thing to see when it happens. B/c until the LBS really understand clearly what he/she needs to do, then it is mostly all in vain.

When a person steps back and really takes a look and evaluates their own life.....well, all kinds of emotions could be experienced, but I hope you will determine to start fresh and regain your own "person" (so to speak). I am very interested in your stitch and want to see a happy ending to this story. I believe you have the inner strength to rise to what you need to do in this R.

******************************
((Hugs to your little girls)). It will probably be an emotional weekend. I'll be thinking about you.