I'm 52, my H is 56. We've been M 27 years. We have 5 children. S26, S23, D17, D11. We also raised a nephew as our own who's 22. H also has 2 S from a previous M.
We had what I thought was a pretty good marriage, not perfect, but whose is. 12 years ago H has an EA online. By the time I found out it was dying its own death. This isn't saying that I didn't suspect something before that, I just didn't know what. It was a fluke that I found out about it by coming across an email that remained on the computer. At that time H's main complaint about me was that I nagged too much. He was right, I did, and I changed that about myself. H never did like to hear or talk about feelings or issues, so I didn't. We stopped talking about things that needed attending to unless it was an emergency. Hindsight is 20/20 and I realize now this wasn't the way to go about things either.
6 years ago we bought a beautiful old Victorian home with a barn for my horses and 59 acres. It is my dream home even tho it needs a lot of work. H seemed to love it too. He was into gardening, hunting, and projects around the home. We bought it with the intention that if the kids wanted to stay and build houses on the property they could. Sons from previous marriage live far away and have children and it's hard not being able to see them very much. All our kids except S22 live here still. S26 and his wife live here while saving up the money to build their house. Adult children are not spongers and pay their own way. The house is huge w/6 bedrooms so folks are able to get out of each others way. H was even able to have his own den equipped with all that he wanted. Kids and I bought him the things that he wanted to show our appreciation for how hard he worked to provide us with the wonderful old place. H has an avoidant personality and has suffered from bouts of untreated depression, plus at times has been quick to anger. He would use his den to shut us all out at times. For years his depression periods were predictable coming on in the fall, out at Christmas and then back in till spring. I thought maybe SAD. For the last couple of years he has seemed more depressed than not. Wanted lots of alone time. (Door shut to den.) The clear meaning to the family was to not bother him unless it was an emergency. During our marriage there would be the times when he was not depressed. Those times were great. H was attentive,loving and caring. Those times were so wonderful that the thought of them coming would carry me through the tough times. I tried many,many times (without nagging) to get H to see a doctor for his depression and anger, but the only time he would ever go would be either an injury or on a stretcher.
5 years ago in August, when H was 51, he had a stroke. It came from a tear in his carotid artery from a sneezing attack. Because H was also a trained Paramedic he knew immediately what it was and got help right away. The doctor put a stent in and H was out of the hospital in 2 days. Very few side affects from the stroke.
Fast forward to the bomb drop. In October'09 H was in his depressive state again. I wrote him an email at work and told him I thought he had SAD. He wrote back and told me he didn't have SAD what he'd had had was enough. He was angry about having to support me and the kids and to just view him as a high paying border until he found a place to go. This was Oct.3. He was so vicious in that email that I was shocked. On the morning of Oct. 4, H called me into his den. Told me that if I were to change anything that he knew it would just go back to the same old way again. I agreed with him because I had been down that road with him also. I asked if there was somebody else and he said, yes, in the background. Come to find out it was a woman who he had dated 40 years ago when he was 16. He had re-met her 2 weeks prior at her father's funeral home viewing. Apparently she was the love of his life until she dumped him. There had been no previous contact with her before that. I realized that something was going on because he had come out of his depression for a couple weeks. Anyway, I was so hurt and angry that I told him that I hoped they'd both be very happy and left the den. I was so praying that H would come after me and tell me he didn't want her, that he wanted me. H sat in his den for a while and then left and didn't come home all night. S26 works with his dad and came home and told me that his dad wasn't coming back except to talk. H came after work on the 5th, and told me he was moving in with the OW. I did the usual pleading and begging and he was as cold as ice. Told me that he was lonely, the house wasn't clean enough at times, and I hadn't planted some flowers that he had brought home. H told me he didn't want the house or anything in it. (He's signing his half over to S26.)
Like so many other LBS stories on here I was in total shock about all of this. My H and I didn't fight and I didn't pressure him about anything. H has worked long hours over the years to support us. That deal was that I took care of the kids and he worked. That was how he wanted it. I realized there were times he felt unappreciated even though I thanked him many times and showed him too. He doesn't remember any of that stuff, just the negative things. I work outside the home in the school system and I am guilty of not having a perfectly clean house all the time. I'm also guilty of taking my H for granted at times. I always thought that there would be time for each other when the kids were bigger and we had more money. H had his kids when we got together so there has never been a time in our M that we didn't have them around. We were just getting to that point in life when we would have been freer to go off w/o children and enjoy being a couple. H has decided that he wants to spend that time with someone else and my heart is broken.
I've been DBing since I found this site about a month ago. It's hard when they're gone in some aspects. H spends time with our D's every weekend for a few hours. He's angry that the D's do not want to meet the OW and blames that on me. They are old enough to make up their minds about that themselves. I would not stop them he they wanted to meet her. S23 hasn't spoken to his dad at all since he left. H went as far as to tell me that OW feels really bad about the situation. Not bad enough apparently.lol I know the MLC will have to run its course and I have got enough control of myself now to step back and detach. Not that I don't have times when I lose it, just not in front of H. This situation has really started to take it's toll on H's health. The depression and stress are evident through out his body. His beard which used to be salt and pepper have gone completely white in 4 months. He seemed happier for about 3 weeks with OW, but now he seems more depressed than ever.
I know this is a long post and if you have any questions or comments I would welcome them. Thank you for your time.
I realize the mistakes I've made in my M to get to where we are. I would like to ask my H's forgiveness for them. I would like to do this for myself. At this point would this do more harm than good? What are your opinions?
I think it's great that you do see your faults and what you would like to change.
If this is something that you truly feel you need to do for you and nothing more then I would go ahead and do it. Apologizing numerous times however isn't the way to go, but if you haven't apologized at all yet, then again I'd say why not if it will bring you peace.
You need to be careful though, his reaction may not be a good one and this could very easily lead to a R talk if you let it. You have to practice some serious self control and be aware of the mlc mind you are dealing with.
Remember where he is at right now, your apology most likely won't have an effect on him. But it sounds like you're aware of this and your doing this only for you. No expectations.
Welcome to this board. Sorry you have to be here but this is a wonderful resource and you will "meet" great people here who understand your sich and want to give you support.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Last edited by OldPilot; 02/05/1001:19 PM. Reason: Links did not work now they do
I don't know that I would suggest actually apologizing right now because as Trapt said, it most likely won't have an affect or could simply lead to a negative reaction which could backfire.
I would start maybe by writing him a letter, then if you choose to give it to him, or convey the message to him, you can do so. But see where you feel like you are. If it truly is something that you are doing for you, then you can give it to him.
Additionally, although you are apologizing, you have to find it in yourself to forgive yourself for those things that you think you did wrong.
His excuses, about the house not being clean enough, you not planting flowers, etc...Are just that, excuses. I, and others here, have heard very similar, if not identical complaints.
Look at what he has complained about, see what you feel really has merit and work on those things, if you feel you need to.
It sounds like you have a beautiful property. Maybe start making it your own a bit, flowers, a swing, a garden. Anything to keep this from dragging you into a depressive state yourself.
I think your position with the kids, whether they want to meet OW or not, is the right one because they really are old enough to decide that for themselves. Do not accept responsibility for them not wanting to meet her. As long as you are not stopping it, then you are not responsible. This is just the first of a long list of realities that he will have to face. He chose to do this, they choose to react how they do as a result of his actions.
You have found a good place and will find much support here. Welcome.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thank you for your wise words. Early on (first 2 months) in this I blamed myself for almost everything that went wrong. i did apologize then, but being honest it was for the purpose of trying to get H to come home. The more I've been able to read and absorb knowledge about MLC the more I understand that this isn't something that helped but pushed H farther away. I also realize now that this was going to happen no matter what I did or didn't do. I do realize it won't make a difference to H and you're right that it might lead to a R talk. Will mull it over for a while.
I really appreciate your advice. Thank you so much
I would start maybe by writing him a letter, then if you choose to give it to him, or convey the message to him, you can do so. But see where you feel like you are. If it truly is something that you are doing for you, then you can give it to him.
I have found it helpful if I write something to post it here and let everyone critique it. It also is good because you can vent here and we don't take it personally.
It seems like you have a good handle on yourself and the place that you are in. You need to use this time to decide what YOU want.
My children are D23 and S22 so I have some knowledge of dealing with adult children. They can present there own problems at times like these that I feel are a little bit different because they are "adults" and have their own opinions.
Hang in there and study the resources. Knowledge is power.
That really is some story you got yourself there.....
If you have been reading for a while, then you know what path you have chosen for yourself.
MLC is an ugly animal, with several heads that each speak a different language.
There will be times when it is less of a monster than the ones in YOUR head though.
Forgiveness is something that you have to do for you....
Apologizing to him now ? That would be like trying to stop a locomotive with a fish net.....not a productive way to spend your time.....
If YOU choose to write a letter to him, then I would do that for you, and no one else. Seal it up, and save it for when the time arises to do so.
You sound good, fairly balanced right now....
It is good that you recognize that you had/have faults, we all do.
It is how we CHOOSE to deal with those faults that make a difference in how we live.
Very similar to the MLCer....WE just get to do that WITHOUT all the confusion and damage that they tend to have.
Don't pay a lot of attention to the spew that he passes on to you right now.....
Although you will and should find some validity in his complaints, and if YOU think those are things you need to change about yourself, then you should certainly act on those things.....
Just make sure they are for you, and NOT to win him back.
You will find as you move through this, that you will actually become thankful to him for doing this. For taking a stand against the old stagnate relationship, that honestly.......wasn't THAT great......
Take this time for you, and find what you really want out of your life......
IF you can do this, and really grow and learn....
Then this will really become a blessing for you....
Seeking sorry for your pain THis is a tough road to walk thr crises takes a long time it is not your fault..it is something in them that creates the crises The ow is just an escape temporary from the pain and depression the Mlcer gets worse before better the pain that cause the spouse and children creates guilt in them they are on their road and cant turn back we let them go we learn to validate them practice being cordial and gal getting on with your life watch the finances though they spend like mad the ow likes H to spend make sure your name is off all his personal credit cards see a L jsut to get facts..to prorwct yourself many H here go in debt mine ;lost everything.. and would have taken me and kids down with him if I wasnt watching they are NOT the SAME H and fathers they were
kep posting peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
