After 3 years and 2 months of separation, my H has been living with us for over a month. He seems to have stopped contact with his affair partner (contact that I have proof she initiated the last few times before he moved back in although we dont speak as if he has moved back in), he erased her phone number after I have asked him to, he tells me he doesnt miss her, want her or loves her and is willing to go to MC with me. And not only willing to go, the first 2 times we went, the first time he used his time to convince me why we should be together and how solid our R was/is and the second time, he "cracked" and opened up to her and me.
After pushing for some kind of clear direction, I received that letter from him. Over the 3,5 years we are in this mess, I have used emails at least 200 times to talk to him. He has used mails only 4 (I think). One was a letter asking me to reconcile after I found out about the A and one the day before yesterday. So yes, writing that email, to him was difficult.
Apart from that, H seems to still mirror my behaviour and tries to avoid anything that he believes would bring tension between us. Unfortunately, that means he avoids sharing with me things about the past and his thoughts/feelings... which makes me feel we are not "connected". He also tells me that he thinks what we are going trhough now is normal granted the separation and affair and that he thinks sex should follow because right now, he feels we cant share intimacy.
He is happy to go out with me, he is willing to do things with me. He calls often and makes sure I know where he is/what he does and with whom.
His job is still an issue, during the week we dont see each other at all and the weekends are only 36 hours long for us. I can sense that he is not looking forward to being more with me, he is walking on eggshells and that exhausts him. I am confident that WILL change when he starts feeling happiness in our home, with me.
Tonight we are going to that show. I plan to make this a good night. I will look good, be tender, show confidence in me, find my humor, bring back some of the sunshine...
Even though we havent agreed on it, I will make with myself an agreement that I will only initiate R talks, once every 2 weeks apart from the time in MC. BUT, I will also be honest with him and express how I feel if something comes up.
Any advice/tips/suggestions on how to relax the sitch, help H but do not do his work for him is welcome. It is obvious to me that if I push harder he will crack. He is walking on eggshels constantly and since I have been there I know how much it sucks... I dont want to be asking for something he cant give because of THE WAY I am asking, do you know what I mean?
Tomorrow is my D's show. I am excited about that too. Today is a difficult day at work and I am not working...
Yesterday I bought a dress that costed 469 euros, for 60!!! A little classy black dress that fits me perfectly and I love it!!!!!!!!
I will see how my finances will go this month and will finally schedule for highlights and massage. I may look into trying pilates too. This belly of mine needs some work and the summer is approaching fast!! K
