I have just sat and read your entire previous thread. I recommend you do the same - go back and re-read the entire thing from the beginning. You might see something you don't see as you continue to return the ball back to each and every poster - you might see the entire game for what it is.
Why are you posting? Is it just to moan and tell the world what a rotten deal you have? Or is it because you actually want to solve this problem?
You seem to be willing to rock the boat just a little but as soon as her toes get wet you stop. You are being a wimp - this is why your wife has no sexual attraction to you and cannot find her sexuality with you. Rock the boat and wet her toes, rock it some more and make sure she's good and wet, tip the boat right over. This is the ONLY way it will work.
I will tell you the story (in brief) of my own M. My H was LD, he was/is also an alcoholic. The LD was tearing me apart, as was the alcoholism. What I did not realise was that I was enabling his behaviour - I was enabling it because like you I was susceptible to all his ways of getting me to back off whenever I tried to address the issue. In the end it was by MY realising that I could no longer live this way (really not put up with it anymore - not just felt like I couldn't. I went 10 years with the feeling I couldn't stand another second). When I finally did get it, that I had to have another life and living in this purgatory was not doing any of us any good, then I was able to say quite calmly and matter of factly to him "I will not be living in an alcoholic marriage in 12 months time" and really mean it. He knew I meant it, just by my tone and the look in my eye. This is not something you can fake you have to feel it, then you will have the right tone.
When I said that, I went about my business with the clear intent that I would not be living the same way in 12 months time. It worked, but only in fact by the marriage dissolving. What happened was he tried at first to conquer his drink problem, he tried hard and to his credit that worked for about three months, then he backslid. When he backslid I did not react or think "oh he had a good try". I just continued about my business and let him work it out. He couldn't. In the end he came to me and said "this marriage isn't working - you don't love me any more". Fine.
The same thing might well happen if you went to your W and said "I will not be living in a celibate marriage in 12 months time". She might try to work on herself, and she might not manage. She might decide that the shame of not achieving that is strong enough for her to say things like "you don't love me any more". And the marriage might end.
Are you ready for that? Because until you are nothing will change.
Understanding that, and that her husband was in fact capable of finding and bedding and moving in with another woman, was what it took. She finally understood that she had in fact "lost" her husband and that SHE had to do something or he'd never be around again.
Yes, this woman was stubborn. He meant it and she finally got it.
You think you've tried everything, but you haven't meant any of it. It's just been hot air. You are desperate to keep your marriage together and you are submitting to her definition of what a marriage is in order to do that. Look at your marriage - is it what you want? If it isn't then stop putting up with it. Putting up with something is not strength although many people think it is because of the pain involved - putting up with something because the effort to change is harder than the pain we're in is the wimp's way.
She is not sexually attracted to you because you are a wimp.
I know I'm being harsh here, but you need to hear it. You say you are almost 60 - my FIL is 67 and he is dying. Do you want to be dead before this gets sorted out?
Hap
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
