Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[MrBond]

Oh and I had told her before I had been seeing someone. She really didn't have a response to it.

I just need something to shake her out of the fog a bit. I think if she would have seen my friend and I in bed together, that would've done it! LOL

[v1olin]

YES! telling her you are seeing someone and her actually seeing it with her own eyes is another!

[25yearsmlc]

Oh and I had told her before I had been seeing someone. She really didn't have a response to it.

I just need something to shake her out of the fog a bit. I think if she would have seen my friend and I in bed together, that would've done it! LOL

Not all caught up so I'm going to assume you mean this, right? I mean, you at least think it's possible that jealousy could arouse something in her or at least awareness you are great catch.??

Okay regardless, be a man only a fool would leave.

=You're busy doing fun things with new interesting people and going to exciting new places, and you are a great catch!! BE ONE!! I'd be a fun friendly guy with her, warm, contrasting her negative images of you with positives.
Remind me or tell me why she was "afraid" of you?

And is she cutting off contact with the kids unless YOU make it happen? There's ONLY ONE reason for a woman to do that and it's GUILT...she must feel like crap. Remember too, you have a balancing act to do. You want to keep the road home paved and smooth so she actually can visualize you guys making the M work and that it would be different and better this time. So somehow she has to know your feelings could be rekindled (LIKE HERS COULD BE, IF SHE"D GIVE IT A CHANCE!!) while also showing her you are moving on now and having a blast...

You can basically do the attitude of showing her that you have accepted her regrettable decision, that you wish things were different of course b/c of the kids and your history and that you still love her and always will, and that if you had it to do over again, you'd handle things differently.

BUT since you are a changed man you are not going to wallow in what you did wrong, b/c those problems are now solved, and you are a better man for it, etc. And you are making room in your heart for OW sometime...not so far away... Make sense? I'd be warm, without pursuing.

And those loving interactions with the kids--keep them up---ALWAYS matters. ANd it's the right thing to do anyhow. Also, I would have SOME family time with all of you around, while also showing her a glimpse of the upside to YOU or YOU being single...let her guess. As for OW, is there one? If so, be careful you don't hurt someone else in the process of trying to make your m work. But then, as long as you are honest, I think it does work in some cases and heck, if you are honest with OW, what's the harm? (I am also assuming you are NOT involving the OW with your kids yet, so they are protected...)

If you have an idea of who you were when your w first fell in love with you, then be him again. But wiser, and let me know how it goes. I have to re-read your thread to know what else is going on I just read the past few days. Anything major I need to know that is different? Last time, awhile ago, she was unsure but wavering...is there OM or is she getting meds or seeing a c or T?

What is it, she SAYS is her reason? That she "Fell out of love" and there's NOTHING she can do about it? Such crap....good Lord, Love is a choice. And it ain't always an easy one!

More later, but fill me in...
j-

[MrBond]

Hi 25yearsmlc,

Actually I needed some input about the weekend since she's staying over while her sister's place is being painted.

I'm actually at a loss of how to act. I mean, I've detached enough that I don't really care if she's there or not. On the other hand, a part of me is saying to do something different and be "a little" pursuing since I didn't do it the first time she was home.

I need something to get out of this "friend" zone.

See my posts on page 40 to see the full details.

Thanks!

[MrBond]

Citygirl, sandi, greek and others.

If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=stuck808]Thanks Sandi.

She would know I would go out with different people, but she wouldn't really show any reaction to it. Even when we do the "family" thing, she seems like an empty shell.

I guess it's like what you felt and how 25mlc's H felt when you were in the middle of your problems.
Just so I know, what problems was I in the middle of? I mean, our M and his mlc were the issues we had at that time. I got depressed for a few months about 18 yrs ago when My dad died but our M wasn't affected. In fact I got pretty great support then...so I'm lost on that issue.
..OR are you talking about the "ORAS=Obsessing Regarding Alien Spew" I did before AND during the time h was leaving? That? maybe you're confusing me with someone else? OR is it that I finally had enough, AFTER HIS MLC began & that something in me chose to snap out of it and I GAL, detached, etc?[/i] Is that it?? B/C you seem like that to me.

It's fine either way, but I am trying to be clear on what you are summarizing so I know what you mean and I can be a better help...
Now ---I'll keep catching up on your thread but so far, GOOD WORK Stuck, geez....
j-

The thing is, there came a point where you realized that something was wrong and decided to do something about it. Right now, my W is stuck in her world.

[25yearsmlc]

I think my W and her boss have a casual working relationship. Although I know he's probably still flirting with her. What an @$$. To this day she denies tha

It would not be the only time a woman has a friendship with a man, that did NOT turn into sex. I'll get some big 2 x 4s for this but let me remind those you who are unfamiliar with law firms or the military or corporate worlds, there are men & women working around each other and we are NOT all on the edge of our seat waiting for an A to happen. ON the contrary, we are usually trying to impress or fit with senior management, and in the military, especially when fired upon, we're very focussed on the mission and staying alive.

True it is a drag for HER, now that the cat is out of the bag and she says she was crushing on him...it's an issue that may work iteslf out. Did he respond in kind? No, sounds as if he din't...and her boss IS inappropriate for continuing it-[u]makes you wonder who started what but that does NOT MATTER...please Stuck, note this if nothing else,

Your w and you will never, EVER agree on how you got here or why. Just figure out if you can agree on where you are and where to go.... I'm too tired to post more now but will get back to you soon if I can.
j-
][/color]


wo'tt it was one of the reasons for her wanting to leave, even though when all this madness started, she told me it was for him. Crazy I tell you. I think on some level she really believed he was her soulmate and now she's "lost" without anyone. HELLO! Try looking at what you have.

She does contradict herself when it comes to us. She told me before how she was afraid of being in the same room with me, yet we can go out with the kids no problem.

In regards to the going out together, I think she believes she's doing it strictly for the kids. And that this helps her relationship with them. Not me. If anything, the focus has to be taken off of the kids and back onto me. A part of me believes that it isn't going to happen until she goes out with someone else and can compare me with them.

Today she called me several times at work to find out if she could pick up our D from school. I just let them all go to VM.

Thanks sandi for commenting. Don't worry if there's nothing to say. Just knowing others are here even if it's for a prayer or two is appreciated.

When you came out of your "fog" and decided to stay in your M, it was your choice. That's what she has to get to and right now she really doesn't want the M or anything else for that matter.

[MrBond]

Hi 25yearsmlc.

I guess my question for you is, how did you react/act towards H when he started coming around more frequently. I mean, I learned alot about detachment from you and sandi. More than I realize.

But I've gotten detached to the point where I have a chance to spend a couple of days together with her and I don't know how to act.

Funny isn't it? I mean I know I want the M to work out. That's a given. So now here's my chance. I've done the looking good, smelling good, etc. part. And I have put my best foot forward in every way I know how when I have been around her. But now here we are going to be together longer than we have in awhile.

Should I flirt? Should I stay distant. Geez this is tough.

I definitely want to move on from how things were. I'm not sure if she's still distant sometimes because she still works with her boss. Incidentally, when all this happened, she said he admitted having feelings for her too, so they've made out on two occasions. While I'm pretty sure that's all over, she still has daily contact with him.

I just want to try something different, but I don't even know what that is. I mean, a part of me is saying to take it up a notch and flirt more with her, then another part is saying to hold off because that's pursuing. Odd how these things were so natural to me with her and now it's become the hardest thing because I feel since the A, I don't know her anymore.

[CityGirl]

You said you had plans tonight, correct? Make sure she has what she needs, tell her to make herself at home, be very mysterious/shiny/bright/flirty then head out as you planned to do.

You need to show her two sides... the family man and the new sexy mysterious man IMO.

Honestly, it seems fairly obvious she softens when she needs you for something. Keep that in mind but since she will be in your home for a few days use the opportunity wisely!

[MrBond]

Thanks CityGirl.

That's exactly what I needed. Last night I cleaned the house, bought drinks for her and the kids and left them in the fridge for her. She surprised me by coming over in the morning. I thought she'd come when I was already out of the house.

We were planning to go to a Carnival today (Friday), but my cousin had called late last night and mentioned she wanted to join us but on Saturday. I mentioned it to my W this morning and she said okay.

I told her I was going to be back after I drop (my friend) off at home, again she said okay. Didn't mention who my friend was.

Once I got into work though, I thought about things and I realized I should have asked her about changing the days of the Carnival. I think that was one of my flaws was just making plans without checking with her first. So I called her at home and apologized for not doing so. She said it was okay and that was that.

I think living independently might have made me a little more selfish when I make plans and I don't check with the other parties involved. That's one thing that came up when I was in the relationship with my special friend. For that I'm glad for the experience because without it I wouldn't have known.