The whole thing feels like an execution, that is exactly how I feel about it.
lose my breath some times, because that's exactly what i feel like, i'm on deathrow.
Brief recap if she texts and no question don't respond right?
Joke, I know the answer. I texted her too many times about D and I's Add stuff Monday. Haven't answered a text since. Not out of rudeness or anger, they didn't need an answer. Where in the past, I'd respond to everything.
Being nice and available or trying to be helpful hadn't gotten me anywhere.
It has been nice not getting any emails three wks now.
Oh hey on the focused on wife too much.
I thought it was safe here to discuss her, because I can't anywhere else.
I think I actually went a couple hrs today without thinking about her.
Wish I could get over that stage of grief where you're still a little out of it. Tired of forgetting stuff.
I know what I need to do guys.
I don't like it, but I know what I need to do.
Doing all the work on the divorce because the court system doesn't stop.
Wife is hasty, I'm trying to get the kids and her lined up.
No victim comments here, but I have been crushed like a coke can, by kids and her and work.
The only way the process stops if the couple seeks counseling together or reconciles. Believe me, you know the fixer here, don't think I didn't try to figure out some way for this deal to stretch out for 2-5yrs:)
I thought I was tough before all this, I'm finding out I'm getting tougher and more empathetic.
But I got to get to moving more.
Typical me i've got 100 projects going on and not one done.
The other night, I was picking up kids and there was a pile of stuff in the garage, my stuff, from under our bed.
In that stuff was a legal pad i used to keep that i had written my goals on 3 yrs ago.
Everything from Disney to paying off wife's student loan,cc's,getting her a car,stuff around the house.
Guys I accomplished everything, everything on that list before she filed divorce.
I guess I missed on that list, the non-material things you wanted to accomplish.
The things that made YOU the best person you could be.
You put all of your eggs in one freakin basket man......and never saw any reason to change.
You never saw any reason to look into the mirror and say that you could do better.
Not for her, or the children, but for you....
And I am still not convinced that you see that.....
because, even now, you are STILL portraying the victim throughout this.
Sometimes, there are things that happen to us that we will never fully understand, and mostly because we wouldn't take the time to do ANY work to find out what that might be.
IF...there were a quick fix for this, and it was as simple as knowing what the answer was to the outcome WE wanted.....
What would we actually learn from that ?
Tell me what YOU would have learned if you DBed for a week, and then your wife came running back to you crying that she missed you and she was wrong?
Who would you be today because of that ?
Anyone different ?
Do the work A.......You will not regret it.....
And I would seriously like for you to answer my questions, and NOT skirt around them this time please......
I met her when I was 18. She was my second love, but only my first girlfriend. I now no why, but the moment she touched me that night, I quit being an individual. Combo of the ADD and attachment disorder,I wanted so badly to be loved and to love.Tweets ago,my parents divorced when I was 5,my mom got vindictive and moved us 1600 miles from my family and married a child abuser,clear and simple.Anyway I know this,the moment puberty hit,I was looking for the one and if it wasn't truly the one I was going to adapt.You see, my wife has a tough front,but low self esteem and she put others feelings before her own,well guess what so did I.It literally was love at first sight.
I adapted in her and I's relationship and there was a huge change in me at 28 and on.HUGE!I became even more committed to the relationship or her I guess.And for sure S,because for 3 yrs she'd been berating me for not getting up with D or for going out with friends or working too late.I saw S as a second chance.
The biggest issues in our marriage was this, because I worked all the time, wife had all and I mean ALL the responsibility.Then you have a guy that wants someone to miss him as much as he misses them when he gets home.I would put off eating dinner, so I could catch up with her at night.We didn't have very many dates from 6/1/95 to current.MAYBE 10!So anyway,I smothered her when I was with her.She on the other hand was always stressed or tight, no ifs ands or butts.ALWAYS,she has OCD,her dad has aspergers.But see she never expressed her feelings of being overwhelmed,until it was too late.
This is critical,very rarely was I an individual in our relationship,because if I was like before I was 28,listen she just wasn't happy,if I went out with the guys or stayed out late I heard about it.We weren't even married yet,I was a mechanic and would stay and drink beer at the shop,she didn't know it,but all of us in the shop would watch her do her drivebys looking for me.She could and wouldn't drop me not getting up at night with D.And D is highstrung and has panic attacks,I read the book the female brain,she may have gotten that from wife.Women pass on things to their children.Least that's what the book said.
The dynamic was this,my wife is co-dependent,but couldn't see it,I was thought of as being controlling and rightfully so seeing it from the otherside. I just was trying to catch up or Fill my LOVE BUCKET.But she was way more controlling than I,as the relationship grew I became more attached her further away,Huge shift May of '07,she took on a different role, not one she wanted and her stress went through the roof,she became a different person.She took on that role because her coworkers wanted her to.She wanted to be doing what she was doing.
For some reason since 98 I have felt like I was paying a penance to her and my D.Very rarely did I stand up for myself,because if I raised my voice it was yelling.They didn't know anything about yelling.My wife was raised in a very loose family and they didn't hug or kiss,still don't.My wife doesn't like to be touched.I could be the maddest or the hurtest person in the world,get touched,OK I'm good.
7/7/07 wife cried in front of me for the first time.EVER.And she went right back to me not getting up for D and wanting to do things.She asked me to help a little more with things and she mentioned marriage cnslg.We didn't go to cnslg.She mentioned cnslg that one day,but what was shocking to me is what she was unhappy about was the same things I was unhappy about.Anyway I jumped thru those hoops.I know what they are.She mentioned the cnslg once, a foster care class a bunch, i took the foster care class with her.And bought the book love lessons and thought wife's was acts of service.
My wife could never accept me as what I was.She could never get over the first 3 yrs of our marriage.She didn't understand men are fixers and I didn't know what woman watched and looked for.
Because of her avoiding true feelings or expressing her voice is why we're here.
So when you say soul search, since 7/7/07 I changed so much, sure go out with ur friends, go to the party, sure go out of town for the wkend,leave the kids with me, i'll run 'em around,sure i'll cut back my hrs.Those were changes I wanted to make and I felt good not needing.
I did everything she asked me to.
The only time I was selfish in this marriage was ages 24-27.I realize now it was because wife's shift was to D and I being the man had to bring home the bacon and wife told me over and over she supported me working those hrs. she also knew i didn't want to.
My wife always had the issue with D,my impulsiveness and if I was critical of hey we need to be parents and not best friends to these kids.
So Mach, I take blame...But here it is.
I worked too much.
My wife and I winged a relationship without knowing how a relationship works.
We didn't know I had ADD.
Neither one of us were individuals, we worked too hard to make eachother happy.I don't regret my doing that, neither did she until all this hit.
But I missed out on a heck of a lot more than she did.AND other than a handful of times I never stood up for myself.Because of their feelings.
Wife told D yesterday, half the reason she's divorcing me is because of D and I's relationship.
My D treats and treated me terribly from 10 on.And if I said no or stuck up for myself, wife, my wife would think she was in trouble with me.What was I going to do, really, what.
I know why...My wife vented to her.My wife gave into her.My wife treated her like a best friend.My D knows everything down to how much money is in the bank and my wife and I's sex life, not from me, but her Mom.
I'm not placing blame on wife, but this really is more about her than me.
Other than not smoking and someone removing the ADD, I don't know what else to change. I really don't, because for 19 yrs, I have adapted to whatever the heck she wanted.
And her self esteem was so low, I thought I was pumping her up.Guys I dumbed myself down for her.Meaning I'd ask her to finish a thought or this and that, because she would always say she was broken or fat or can't cook or is that bad.
What I want to change and have always wanted to change was D and I's relationship.She always got away with murder.I want more time with the kids.My daughter told me last nite she never liked me EVER.I asked why and she said because I don't let her do stuff like mom does.She said she doesn't talk to anyone like she does me.And she is telling the truth.
My conforming to them being her and the kids made me needy.Because they all withdrew if or made fun if I was me.Pure and simple.My identity was my family, I accepted them for what they were.I was the one left out of things.I didn't repeat past behavior like my wife.All my guy friends became her friends and then they weren't my friends they were hers and if she didn't like them or a family member of mine, guess what, we didn't hang out with them, but if I expressed the same opinion,I was in the wrong.The reason she has the relationship with the neighbor is because of me.I introduced them, I invited him over.Then he and wife built this relationship, it's been going on for over 3 yrs.My D loves him because he let his daughter do whatever she wanted and wife loves him because he listened.And he isn't the first guy friend of mine she latched onto, she was doing that back in highschool,she'd have her bfriend and she had this other guy which was her confidant.It was ok for her, but if I looked at another woman I was in for it.She was so bad, that the mention of Kathy Ireland and wife was ticked.
That goal list Mach,non of it was material, they were all wants of my wifes'. The Disney was for me, so I could have a family vacation seeing the last time we had one D was 8 and S was 5.And guess what to pull that off,I had to take kids' friends or no one was going.My job was threatened everyday,thats the car business.I can't tell you how many times I wanted out, so I could be home.That goal list was get this stuff done,so I can get out of the car business and she won't be so stressed and I can be there for kids.To me that list was to get time with family and relieve her stress.
So no i'm not the victim, I have been flat taken advantage of, because everything those 3 wanted I did.
I took advantage of her,for the zillionth time she handled the checking acct.She didn't see gifts as gifts she saw that as we're already extended how in the hell is that going to get paid for!!!!!
I did get hosed in this deal, just like last nite and everything else, if I stand up for what's right, I am made to feel terrible or I'm in the wrong.
I work 40hrs a wk,hardly anyone will talk to me at the dlrship now.I have no money and getting divorced.
BUT MY STOMACH DOES NOT HURT LIKE IT DID.I'm not having to over compensate for my wife.I paid off all the stressful debt.
So anyway Mach, I am struggling a little bit with what changes to make.Because just before the bomb the only thing that she said was you've always put me first, will you go get your blood pressure taken care of.For 2 yrs I put it off, added to her stress.Well I'm taking blood pressure medicine.
This whole deal messed up the changes that were going on in me, I was getting my freedom from the hours and gaining time with kids,dates with wife, we had 4 before the bomb, we had money in the chking acct,etc.
When the bomb got dropped I was the most complete.
Wife even said that, she said "It's me, I'm broken, I should be a doting wife, you put me first, you put our kids first."She said the last 2 yrs I was the best."Thank you for listening instead of getting upset, maybe this is cyclical like 2 yrs ago.There has been way more good than bad, I don't know why I feel this way."
And I said that in an earlier post, for the last couple years I was more of a complete family man.
So anyway Mach, this change is going to take alittle longer. I have to become an individual. And I can imagine who I want to be, I'm working towards that.
The projects probably wrong term it's ADD stuff,it's just a matter of sitting down and knocking them out, instead of getting distracted.They'd be done, but you no how depression works, then couple in how i work. I am a multi-tasker.
They weren't hoarding projects, more of get the backboard put together for son, fill out the calendar for when had D, make their beds, put the laundry away, do this for work, organize the itunes.I have no idea how to do a playlist.school conferences,get this for atty,get this for kids,this for the crazy one.
Mach about the only thing, looking in the mirror, is lightening up, let her go, quit smoking,GAL,quit writing books or tweets or have to explain things.And I know I can't with her, but with others stand up for myself for once, instead of folding so someone else feels good.
I want the depression and emptiness to go away.
I want to be calm cool and collected.
I want my yes to be a yes and my no to be a no.
I'd like to get control of my add, so that I can be an even better communicator.
But see we all want something, it's doing the work and instead of doing it. It's 11 pm and I'm online vs doin something.
Oh and PATIENCE and self confidence, I mean real self confidence that bring it man bring it, show me, because she has gone out of her way to show me and not let it effect my insides anymore.
Hey AYK. Just a few thoughts from your posts. The relationship with your D. If it is true that you were always working, and mom had all the responsibility and activities,etc. then I can see why you will have to work very hard to try to build a closer relationship with her. In my marriage, my ex always was at work, and I worked too but I'm a teacher, so my hours are not bad. It was always just me and the kids. And we, especially my S, have a very strong bond b/c of that. Not saying you were wrong. If that's what you had to do then that's what you had to do. Just thinking.
Also, I can kind of understand the whole, w not wanting you to go out with the buds kind of thing IF you did work all the time and she had all the responsibility of the kids. Even though men work to provide for their family, she probably felt put upon and thought if you were off you should be home. I've lived that scenario.
I think the things you are seeing and working on about yourself are great. You DO need to know how to be your own person. Extremely important. My ex did NOT know how to be his own person, and is obviously crazy and spiraling out of control now b/c he doesn't have anyone to think for him.
It is true that most women like to have a man that puts her needs first : ) haha, but women also want a strong independent man who has his own thoughts and opinions. The yes baby, whatever you want baby, is fun for a while, but it does get old. I know from experience.
I'm glad you are working on having your own identity.
Last edited by SoCo; 02/06/1010:29 PM.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
Yes I've reflected.I understand a lot of things.It sure is frustrating when you can't have that heart to heart with someone.And that someone thinks and rationalizes all this.
I'm heartbroken and regretful.She and I both missed out on time with eachother/kids/away from eachother,because of my career.
But part of me feels her personality, this was probably bound to happen.She was always too tight or tense.She liked to play the martyr role and then escape.
I'm probably more forgiving now of her MLC and starting to get angry at the things she kept from me before the split.She flat hid stuff from me.
