Need objective viewpoint

[Ozymandias]

To all who replied. Thank you so much. I am 87% there. I have read many of the posts by the guys who did what I want to do and I don't remember seeing too many that worked out. It totally makes sense, but it is hard to do. Just like my W has a fantasy in the other M, I have a fantasy in what our R was really like.

I think the reason that this is so hard is because as long as I do nothing (be distant, but nice; not bring up the R or the OM; not push her one way or the other) I can continue in my fantasy that things are not as bad as they are. It is funny, because I find myself wanting to say all the things other people in my situation say "if not for the kids I would ....." Were it not for the kids, I would like to think I could give her an ultimatum and walk away. The truth is I don't know.

I did not call her all day today and she texted 3 times checking to see "how my day was going". I finally called her back and said "day was fine, but busy. Just got out of a meeting and am driving home. It's late and you need to go to bed. Call me tomorrow in the afternoon." I will wait and see what she does tomorrow.

As far as moving back in the house, I will have to find a job in our town (or even close) that pays enough to keep the roof over our heads till we can sell the house. I will start looking in the morning. I have a lot of logistics to work out.

I believe I have to do it, but the thought of doing it is killing me. It is funny, I have been a competitive athlete all my life; tested for my blue belt in Karate with a torn MCL; taken on any challenge that was put before me; but the thought of taking a strong stance keeps me up at night. It is the hope that she put in my head that if I just back off, things will change. It is the fear that I will be the one who ruins everything. It is the certainty that she will leave me for good if I push too hard.

With the first EA, when I finally figured it out and knew exactly what was going on, I wrote an email that basically said "I know about OM. If you want to drop him then we can work on the M. If not, then this is over and we can both go on." I never sent it because right before I was about to send it, I noticed that she was losing interest in the OM. She broke it off shortly there after (including blocking him from her email account).

Now I wish I had sent the first letter as I was in a better position then to kick her out (was not working full time in another state). None of the base issues were addressed and now she has a new EA with a different OM.

OK, I guess I am whining and need to shut up. I guess over the next week I will get ready to risk ending my marriage and when I fly out next week have the conversation face to face.

This really sucks.