As I see it, the dilemma for me is how can I shake up my spouse enough to want to do something about our SSM without taking drastic steps like having a full-blown affair, going through with a divorce, moving out, etc.?
In the previous thread, it was argued that I've already had an affair, etc. I'm not interested in arguing about the definition of an affair or whether I in fact carry the scarlet "A" or not by someone's defintion. It's not black-or-white. Because, regardless, none of the things I've done so far has shaken up my wife.
Some of you have argued that what I've done has turned my wife off. Well, my response is that in the first many years of my SSM, I was did not turn elsewhere in any way. And we went to therapy, and I brought up the topic many times, and we went on romantic getaways to try to rekindle the flame. That did not work, at least as far as restoring the physical relationship. It was great for our friendship, but not our physical relationship.
The point is that I have not had an affair that involves a major change of our life. I know many of you will laugh at that distinction because you look at it from your own perspective, and how you would NOT tolerate it. Well, that's the difference, you wouldn't, and my wife has. Would you have given your husband Playboy calendars and approve of his attending strip bars just so he can get it out of his system and not bother you with his sexual urges?
The fact that some of you turned your marriages around without having a shake-up affair is not encouraging to me, because I have to assume your spouses were more responsive to your efforts. It seems to me that many of you had to have your affair to sufficiently shake things up. You might have regretted it afterwards because of all the pain and all it caused, but since you don't get to reset and replay reality, you could not know the likely irony that the milder course might not have worked after all. I believe we sometimes operate on instincts which are smarter than our intellects at times, especially when it comes to some of our second-guessing and "grass would have been greener" with an approach which would actually not have worked.
Another example which perhaps biases my opinions is that of my friend for whom nothing worked until he actually moved in with another woman. Divorce papers, moving out to an apartment, etc. did not work. His wife called his bluff. She was "through" with sex and couldn't understand why it was so all-fired important to her husband. I talked to my friend about his situation as he went through it, and we couldn't think of anything more he could do. It wasn't until he moved out of the apartment and in with a woman that his wife finally got religion and wanted him back. Apparently, the fact that any other woman on the planet would even take a liking to this somewhat socially awkward guy suddenly made him hot property again to his almost-ex-wife.
I can't imagine what advice someone could have given my friend that would have worked, aside from what he did. He had to get to the point where he was utterly convinced there was no hope to continue working on his marriage, and just find someone else. Understanding that, and that her husband was in fact capable of finding and bedding and moving in with another woman, was what it took. She finally understood that she had in fact "lost" her husband and that SHE had to do something or he'd never be around again.
