Since W is returning home, I did text her and lay out one condition. Did not want to wait until she was here for this.
That's perfect.
Originally Posted By: Can't give up
"W, after these last 5 month's, I have to tell you it WILL be different. If you can not say there is no affair anymore, even on the net, and prove it, don't expect to come back to this house. If you do come, I can't promise anything right now, except that choice if you want to come here."
You will need to enforce that boundary. In case you haven't seen it yet, here's the standard template for boundaries:
Setting: When you _____, I feel ______, I want __________ . Enforcing: if you ______ I will __________ .
e.g. When you were living in the home the last five months and were having your love affair I felt like a fool while you were entertaining your whims. I have decided that I will not live like a prisoner in my own home. On your return if you so much as get online to search for another man or receive a phone call from a potential lover I will escort you out of this house so fast your head will spin.
Take the above and modify to something more your style.
25 minutes went by, then she answered "I think I can live with that." I replied "Let me know when you are sure."
Gno, sorry if I'm jumping the gun. Just the more I thought about it, whether she flew back here, or rides back from there, I can't let her walk up to the door without knowing how it has to be before she walks through it.
Originally Posted By: Can't give up
Who knows, it's been another 20 minutes, no answer to my response. W might just stay there.
I don't think she will stay. She may not answer and hope that you will let it slide because she thinks that you fear her and will allow her to do whatever she wants anyway. If she doesn't answer, you can raise it again on Saturday before she climbs into the car.
You will hear talk of a transparency plan and setting one. You're not at this stage yet because she has not communicated that she wants to resume the relationship.
So far the only facts you have are that she wants to return home. You work with the facts. When she communicates that she wants to work on the marriage you will need to set the transparency plan -- and you will press for the truth of what happened. Sorry, but I don't buy that whole story of changing her mind at the last minute before anything happened.
This is why I asked you how you would proceed if there was physical affair. A 5 month EA doesn't fall apart at the last minute just before things got physical. It doesn't gel because in her mind she has had sex with this OM on numerous occasions. That is why an EA is far worse. DB'ing i.e. GAL and 180's will help you reach a healthier state of mind so that you can answer that question.
