Flushing the toxins from my life

[CountingCrows]

Doing O.K. this week. Not great, but O.K. Still grappling with my emotions, which still tend to overwhelm me at least once a day.

This evening after work, I finally got W to sign the temporary order that she's been avoiding for weeks now. I'll take the papers to the lawyer in the morning to be filed. This will prevent us from having to go to second hearing next Wednesday, and pave the way for the final decree to be written up/filed. Mixed feelings about the D, but much relief over knowing that we don't have to go back to court and have a judge make decisions for us regarding support/custody of S7. I will retain sole custody of him, and I will work with W to make sure that she has fair and frequent visitation. We will also work together like the adults we are to divide up our household property in a civil manner, without need for the court to get involved. I understand that she has placed a lot of trust in me, by signing this order without any legal representation, and I won't betray this trust.

Wife is doing pretty poorly. She really looked like hell today when I visited her at work. The stress she's been under has caused a flare-up of a staph infection she sometimes fights (this time it's on her face). She's lost so much weight that her clothes just hang off of her (she was almost a little chubby last year when she moved out). She's still not found a decent job that she can support herself with. She's working only 10-12 "pick-up" hours a week at the dry cleaners that laid her off a month ago. She hasn't seriously attempted to find another job, as she simply doesn't feel capable of doing anything else right now.

Mentally, W is REALLY unstable and doesn't know what to do with herself. She is really struggling with what she has done with her life and how she has destroyed our family and marriage. Due to lack of funds, she has discontinued appointments with her IC, and is only going to her psychiatrist each month for her meds. Outside of a small handful of friends, she has absolutely no support system. She's so ashamed of who/what she has become and just wants to curl up and die. She hasn't seen or spoken to S7 in 11 days now. More than once she's admitted that she is very close to committing herself to a in-house psychological center. Personally, I don't think that would be a bad idea at this point, particularly while she still has the insurance to cover most of the cost.

As I was clearing some of W's stuff out of my bedroom this past weekend, I found a book of hers called I Hate You - don't leave me. It's a guide to understanding borderline personality disorder. She had purchased it a few years ago and apparently highlighted passages throughout the book. Reading through the book this week, with her emphasis on certain portions gave me a new insight to her illness. I now realize that she isn't simply bi-polar. I truly believe that she's full-fledged borderline personality with bi-polar thrown in just for "fun". She's a strong match for all 8 of the criteria for BPD. It covers her feelings of chronic emptiness/boredom, her impulsive acts (self-mutilation, sexual promiscuity, drug abuse, shopping sprees), her negative self-image and many more of the traits that I've previously attributed to bi-polar disorder.

Although I'm gaining a better understanding of the nature of my W's mental illness, I am still unwilling to allow it to be an excuse for what she has done. She's still responsible for her actions and has to face the consequences of them. However, it does help me somewhat by allowing me to reject some of the guilt and responsibility for her feelings that I've turned towards myself post-bomb. I'm by no means perfect. I have my faults and flaws, just like everyone. But I'm realizing that I have been allowing self-blame in some areas that I shouldn't have. I have rescheduled my IC appointment that I had to cancel due to bad weather, and will be starting with them next Wednesday to see if they can help me cope with this depressed stage I've been in for weeks now.

I've been friendly and even loving in my interactions with W, but I'm continuing to detach as best I can. I really DO still love her and I'm very concerned about her, but I have to consider myself and S7 as my highest priorities right now. I think I've finally found a counselor for S7 to work with. He's been having problems "acting out" in school lately, which I believe is related to his inability to express his feelings of what's going on. Maybe he can be more forthcoming with someone outside of our family...who he doesn't have worry about upsetting or "hurting feelings".

GAL still seems to be the hardest part for me right now. Being a single Dad is beyond a full-time job, and with me just getting my career back on track (signed my formal job offer for permanent employment at my company yesterday), it's been a real juggle to simply take care of him, myself, our pets and our house. Not a lot of "me" time in there right now.

Luckily, I still have lots of support from several great friends and my family has been wonderful, although all dealing with drama/issues in their own lives. I'm just holding on for the ride (my S7 in my lap), knowing that better days are ahead and that we only have to face them one at a time (thank God!).