I don't know if I would say be happy and upbeat. There is some debate regarding the particulars of implementing Divorcebusting when an affair is taking place.
There are a few camps.
Michele advocates the "Little Bo Peep" technique as Pupper here likes to call it. This entails being the better person, being a stirling example of warmth and optimism, basically acting as if there IS NO affair taking place. The reasoning is there that all that warmth will make a wayward spouse, even one having an affair, return to the household.
There is a less optimistic technique, I will call the "Ghandi method" for lack of a better description.
The Ghandi method entails something similar. Be a better person, being a stirling example of maturity and optimism, but PROTEST the affair and EXPOSE to all marriage-friendly friends and family who you are sure will support you and help influence the WWS into returning to the household.
I am advocating the latter technique. Its been my experience both in reading posts on this forum and the affair that attacked my home on and off for over three years that the Bo Peep method sends the WRONG message to affair engaged wayward spouses. The message they seem to hear in most cases when the Bo Peep method is invoked is :
1. I am OK with a unilateral Open marriage. 2. I am not hurt at all by your actions, in fact they please me. 3. You may continue indefinitely as I will not interfere in any way.
I find this is what happens when you offer warmth without protest of the affair.
The Ghandi method involves being inviting to reconcilliation and optimistic, BUT... PROTEST the affair and EXPOSE to all influential parties you can. This puts a LOT of pressure on the affair engaged WS, builds some confidence in the abandonded spouse since they are actually ACTIVELY PROTECTING THEIR HOME, and lastly this allows the abandoned spouse to both preserve their dignity and their self-esteem.
I am calling it the Ghandi method because this method involves NO AGGRESSIVE actions directly against the spouse, as this will do damage long term.
No interrupting affair phone calls. No throwing computers out the window. No name calling. No blame. No physical violence No locking the spouse out of their computer or home No threats to divorce
None of that... just EXPOSE what he's doing and tell him how horrible it feels and WALK AWAY.
This is less painful I found than simply smiling and saying "have a nice day"... not to mention it restores some dignity to you in the process.
Michele's got some great advice, even concerning affairs, but being nice and keeping the affair a secret doesn't put an end to it.. it allows it to THRIVE from what I have seen and read here.
There are other family therapists out there, good ones, who don't recommend Michele's approach.. Phil McGraw being the most well known I would say.
Nikblondview, I do understand how frustrating an affair-wracked home is... I live in the aftermath of one even now.
The reasons you are fighting for your marriage are because you love your spouse. The fact that they aren't loving you in return, and are even HURTING YOU is to a degree erroneous.
True love is unconditional. Meaning that you love your spouse, it isn't love-butonlyifyouarelovingmebackjustasmuch
In extreme cases this can lead to enablement of an addictive affair. I do NOT advocate that. But I DO advocate loving a spouse who has strayed and gotten involved in something that has caused them to lose their senses.
Loving does NOT mean playing Little Bo Peep. EXPOSING an affair IS an act of love in my opinion. The success rate of affair couples is less than 1%. When you challenge an affair and protect your marriage you are saving yourself AND your spouse a lot of misery in the long term.
You can look at it this way. If your spouse was drinking to excess or gambling the family savings away etc, you likley wouldn't give UP and run right away. You would TRY to get the spouse some HELP first. Affairs to my mind are no different.
This is NOT enablement if you ATTACK the addictive source to put an END to it. Simply acting as if the addictive source does NOT EXIST ... IS ENABLEMENT and not at all constructive.
I don't doubt your husband felt guilt, but guilt is not enough to get people straight again once they are in the throes of the affair's seductive nature. Guilt is one of the cycles they go through.
AT some point making a break from your marriage because the affair is too painful or destructive is certainly understandable, and only YOU can know when that point is.
I do advocate fighting for your spouse, even when they in their overwhelming hopelessness have given up on you and began aknew in secret with another. Fighting is essential to the memory of your marriage, your integrity, and to ensure that leaving is the best course in the first place. One must explore saving something before tossing it away.
Fighting should not mean rolling over and pretending your marriage isn't under attack by a bottle, a casino, or a wreckless and selfish member of the opposite sex. Homes are precious but delicate and should be respected by all of the community, and shoudln't be looked on by others as inviting targets to feed a good time from when things inside the home have gotten strained. Fighting means full acknowledgement that an attack on your home is underway. HOW you fight that is with integrity, a strong voice, and full disclosure of the truth to all who may help you.
