Next steps

[avermont]

Yeah, I've always been disappointed in X because he doesn't have as great hair as my Dad...

I totally see Cutter wanting to sell his house. I want to sell this one! To a nice happy couple with a baby. Who will put all sorts of new beautiful memories into it.

I don't want to sell it to X and OW. They take the fruits of my labor and have sex in it? yuck.

So yes, I see I am still focused on THEM. But it is so gdarnd hard--it's not like they quietly move half-way across the country so it would be EASY to take my focus off of them!

curse curse swear swear

[avermont]

When I imagine myself getting the house in the lawsuit or due to X's sudden traumatic death...I picture:

total victory. You stupid SOB--you took my entire life, turned it upside down, practically killed me. But here I am standing on OUR porch--and it's mine. I won. I won this particular little battle. You won the battle of the heart. But I have a little piece of your heart hurting right here in my hand as I mow the lawn, rake the leaves, sign in new tenants. You thought you would get the whole enchilada. New girl, old house, new life.

Take the new girl and start a new life. Be a new man with her in a new place. Offer her what you offered me: creating a home together.

Give her the honor and the pleasure of watching and working with her man as he builds a new nest specifically for her. Don't just move her into a fully furnished house, like buying a new couch.

Create a new life with her. Go on, do it. Be the man you couldn't be with me.

And when I find a man that I want to build a life with, I will offer him the same gift: let's create something new together.

And put the house on the market or rent it out, or whatever.

New lives all the way around.

How does that sound?

[newmama]

And when I find a man that I want to build a life with, I will offer him the same gift: let's create something new together.

And put the house on the market or rent it out, or whatever.

New lives all the way around.

How does that sound?

like revenge!

[WhatNow]

avermont, I totally get how you feel. I am not at the settlement stage yet BUT I have no intention of leaving the house we built. I drew the floorplan, worked with the contractors and designed the interior. It took us 9 years from the time we bought the property to the time we moved in. OUR dreams for OUR family. In addition to those reasons for wanting my house, OW may have stolen my H but I will not let her have my life as well! This is where my life is now and it will stay here til I choose differently. Same as my feelings about wanting my H back. I love him, the future we planned is still before us, our family is better off together and it is just a bonus that OW will lose him.

AND I suggest you buy some new sheets and pillows and reclaim YOUR bed. Clear his energy out of there! Burning a sage stick around the walls...well, google it.

[avermont]

I am all about the sage stick. Good idea.

How are you going to proceed in what I presume are D hearings about the house?

In my sitch, being unmarried, VT law will just try to choose whomever they think has more of a need or an interest in the house. My L says I have less than 50/50 chance.

It is great to hear someone saying--I'll be honest!-what I want to hear. It may not be the right decision for me eventually. It may be a battle that I would be wisest to turn from. I just need the frickin time to think, and X isn't allowing that.

It would be wonderful to get the chance to say all that stuff to him--build a new life with her. Treat her right. Let her choose paint and kitchen cabs and all those lovely things. Don't just stuff her in and tell her to adjust.

Wait...why I am I worrying about X being nice to HER? how insane am I now...

Whatnow, carry on the fight. If you did that much work on the house, it is yours to claim.

I am not living with any idea that X will come back and OW will lose, so perhaps that is another diff in our perspectives. I will go back and check your thread.

Thanks for chiming in.

[flowmom]

total victory. You stupid SOB--you took my entire life, turned it upside down, practically killed me. But here I am standing on OUR porch--and it's mine. I won. I won this particular little battle. You won the battle of the heart. But I have a little piece of your heart hurting right here in my hand as I mow the lawn, rake the leaves, sign in new tenants.

Is that really the story that you want to pick for yourself?

Take the new girl and start a new life. Be a new man with her in a new place. Offer her what you offered me: creating a home together.

Give her the honor and the pleasure of watching and working with her man as he builds a new nest specifically for her. Don't just move her into a fully furnished house, like buying a new couch.

Create a new life with her. Go on, do it. Be the man you couldn't be with me.

How about I paraphrase you and suggest a different perspective:

Take yourself (avermont) and start a new life. Be with yourself in a new place. Offer yourself the gift of creating a home for you.

Give yourself the pleasure of working on building a new nest specifically for you. Don't just leave your new self in a home furnished from your old life.

Create a new life for yourself. Go on, do it. Be the person you can be for yourself.

I would like to stay in my current home, but a lot of my reasons involve my children and the fact that we live in an intentional community. There's something to be said for a clean slate.

[avermont]

Thanks for that,flowmom. It landed.

I have an app't w/realator tomorrow. Looked online and found some really cute,really affordable houses in the other little town that is almost as cute as mine

Sometimes the only way I can make myself do what I need to do is back into it with my eyes closed.

[flowmom]

Good for you avermont!

Sometimes the only way I can make myself do what I need to do is back into it with my eyes closed.

That's good enough .

[pearlharbr]

What flowmom said.

You have every right to be angry and bitter and fight 'til the bitter end for the house. If that is more important to you than having a fresh start then have at it. But ultimately it is letting X and OW win because you will be making decisions for YOUR life based on THEM.

While you're looking at real estate, check this out.

[avermont]

Yes, you are right, Pearl, again. And I know that. I just have to get my head, heart, and stomach aligned.

I was thinking about town meeting,for example. It is still a big deal here in VT. In my town, we have the meeting on Monday night, and voting by ballot on Tuesday.


Anyhow, of course X and I have always gone. Sometimes I have had to speak about supporting the rescue squad. Sometimes he has had to present something for the Planning Committee.

So--do I go this year?

If I am only worrying about me, YES, of course. I can make some friends go with me and surround me.

I EVENTUALLY have to see them together. He will introduce her all around, etc.

The point of this is: when I can worry about ME and not THEM, it won't matter.

So the same applies to the house.