Matilda, Jak, Aud, and Doc, I'll have to sort out the highs and lows of the trip to assess if it helped with connection with my W or not. There were many wonderful memories for me, that I captured on camera. My W was disappointed that the weather was not as dry as it usually is this time of year in Puerto Rico. The beach is a priority for her. I was happy to be there experiencing a latin culture.
Her behavior deteriorated toward the end, and the trip home was difficult. She lost a $500 pair of prescription sunglasses and blamed me for it. The trip was like her mood swings--highs and lows in response to enjoyable activity and travel stressors such as searching for nice weather on the island, driving in fog in the mountains, reduced beach time, driving unfamiliar roads, and spending so much time together.
I'll let the memories settle and sort it out. I'll try not to focus on the fly on the wall, and will look at the trip from a broad perspective.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, Jak, Aud, and Doc, There were highlights and events on the trip where the partnership worked. We did a walking tour of Old San Juan. My W was kind enough to do that for me, as it was my suggestion. I think it allowed her to experience San Juan in a way she hadn't before. We visited a downtown Salsa club twice, and two Salsa venues on the weekend.
We traveled away from the city, and stopped at a local restaurant. My W spoke with a local resident who invited us to his home. I was wary, but let my W have her adventure. I think he was a local man who needed some adventure in his life, and wanted to meet people from the US.
At the hotel on a weeknight, we heard a latin band playing in the casino and went to investigate. There was no one else dancing, so we had the floor to ourselves amongst the people playing on the slot machines. We became a show and gathered a crowd. My W loved the attention and we put on a show for them. The casino manager was a young man who began dancing Merengue with my W. He noticed into the dance that she was a dancer, and together they put on quite a show.
We fled the city when the rain wouldn't stop in search of nicer weather in the south. On the way we ate at a local pig roast. We drove 3 hours and found a sunny beach. I let my W extend the trip without complaint, even though there were penalties for the ticket for changing flights.
At the southern beach town, we found a karoake bar where the locals sang their favorite latin tunes. My W encouraged me to sing, so I complemented their playlist by singing a couple of Frank Sinatra tunes.
I as usual went to bed first, and my W would sleep until noon. After breakfast and morning exercise, I would climb in with my W and take a morning nap with her.
There hasn't been any complaining from my W since the travel day about the sunglasses or anything else related to the trip. I think we learned that we don't need a traditonal hotel and would do fine in a guest house with simpler amenities. We also clarified priorities, and will likely split the next trip and spend half the time in the southern beach, and the other half in the city.
CL
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
The vacation sounds lovely CL...most Rs have tense moments in travel sitches, I'm glad she doesn't seem to be holding it over your head. It seems as if you were able to relax and step out of your box. I hope all continues to improve now that you're home!
CL, Here I am, wandering over to Piecing to check on a couple of old friends, and here I find you. What a pleasant surprise. The trip sounded nice. And you sound nervous, but strong, at the same time. Sadly, my M is not going to survive. I'll be filing soon, and this time there is no looking back. I am, however, going to take Salsa lessons when my foot injury is healed. Best wishes to you...Goldey p.s. I'm in the alt but not easy to find.
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
Doc, Aud, Matilda, Jak, and DB Friends, My W has been praising me for my effort on the trip. She was impressed that I was willing to be flexible and venture away from the city to experience the local culture, take a spontaneous trip to the opposite side of the island to find better beach weather, and to struggle speaking Spanish with the locals. We're planning on returning this summer, will extend the trip to 10 days, and will downgrade the hotels to guest rooms to more fully immerse ourselves in the local culture.
Our dance relationship displays the struggle of finding the balance between partnership and independence. I would like more of a dance partnership with my W in terms of working together on combinations and technique. On the other hand, I get better by dancing with other ladies. I also am forced to ask new ladies to dance when my W isn't there. Dancing too much with my W makes the evening stale. I like that her teacher calls his students when they begin to stray. I want her to stay connected to our studio. I'd like to see her branch out into more ballroom this year to diversify her skills, network, and venues. She and I are attending classes taught by a 4X national Latin champion tonight.
I make a point of sleeping in her bed most nights. Sometimes I fall asleep reading in the guest room.
She spends a lot of time with her Puerto Rican friend. I think she likes the stimulation of having people around her, and will tolerate the negativity in their relationship for his company. She also has developed a relationship with a woman from the dance community, who finds my W amusing and fun to be with.
My W is considering going to church with me, but I doubt if a quiet service is a good fit for her. I will keep her informed of volunteer or social opportunities that we can do together, that are a minor commitment of a few hours.
Her friend is going thru the grieving process of a D. He will sometimes stay in bed the entire day. He is unemployed. He will break into crying spells in public with my W. I will treat him with kindness rather than suspicion.
My strategy is to maintain a presence, and offer my W options and alternatives in terms of how to spend her time. I will also evaluate and make choices in terms of when to join my W for an activity and when to decline.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
You sound great. I wish I had the ability to just "stay the course" even in rough weather. I know money /work is a top priority in our house right now but during the down / slow times I start thinking and I stray off course in the positive thinking area. I used to love to dance. I always envied those western swing dancers. Because of my leg I am limited and my W hardly ever wants to go out and due to our money sitch I have not been getting our much myself.
Anyway back to you... Stay strong buddy. It's a new year let’s see what this baby can do......
Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Matilda, Jak, Doc, Aud, and DB Friends, My W and I do still the PT cooking job. We've settled into a comfortable routine with it. There is minimal conflict in that area.
Her Puerto Rican friend has been spending a lot of time visiting. He is going thru a D, and seems to have adopted us as his extended family. I have one concern that I want to address with him, where I feel that he is being disrespectful towards me. I would prefer not to go into detail about it. I wrote my W an email about it, and shared with her what I thought were options to resolve the problem. She told him about the email, and he abruptly left. My W is upset with me because he is helpful to her in running errands and assisting with housecleaning. I feel strongly about my concern and am going to stand my ground on this. I tolerate the amount of time he spends visiting, the reduced amount of time I have to spend with my W, and his maltreatment of her in public (I've decided to not get in the middle of their R).
On the way to her neice's birthday party, my W shared with me again how she feels content in her life. She also noted that I seem happier and don't seem so stressed about things. She said that I used to worry frequently about things.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
