Wow - that is VERY similar to where I was last fall, and patterns my H has exhibited as well. I was feeling he would NEVER get around to doing anything, just keeping us in limbo and waiting for me to agree or do it. For a long time I felt well he can file and I'm not going to. He didn't press on it or say anything from June to Dec (one mention in Sept, but did nothing)...I honestly think he was waiting for me to step up and do it (which is exactly the pattern of most in our M). I thought he was being a coward. I didn't mind that much b/c I was so busy GAL, but then the limbo got to me as I was trying to figure what to do w my life. Thinking without him, would I stay in this city? etc... and I kept envisioning my life without him and realize I would have to move to move on. At this point we've been separated over a year, so the hope has just decreased more and more..and I've gotten fed up too. There is the school of thought that you have more leverage when they are so eager (read Gucci's post to me last Sept), but you've gotta do what's right for you and don't just act under pressure.
It's an honest ? about would you want him back. Two nights ago I was just thinking that and felt it would be hard to take him back..but given the oppty I think I would want to at least try. Yes, time will tell...no need to do anything right away. For me I feel the more I refuse this (ie going along w D) the more it will drag out, even though I don't want it a year is a long time and I want to get on w living me life if he's (seemgingly) 100% done w me. We did a decent amount of fighting in the early stages of S but now I am more resigned to it I think (though still do get sad, and still have had moments of being very OK w it like 'this is all happening for a reason').
As my friend once told me...these are those times where you need to go to that 'quiet place inside' to determine what is best for you. Good luck to you.
Just got a call from a work friend of H's. She and her H are people we spent a lot of time with as a couple. I haven't talked to her since this all happened. H did tell her what was going on... but none of the details. Just that we are getting a D - no explanation at all according to her. She asked if she and I could still be friends - which I'm fine with as long as she follows the same rules I've set out for all mutual friends - no discussing anything about me to H - ever. She agreed. Then I told her the truth about H, the affair, how he left, etc. She was shocked....
Here's the emotional beating. She's the third person this week to say something along the lines of "I was shocked , I mean if you two couldn't make it then who can... there may be no hope for the rest of us".
This last one has officially ripped out my heart, killed my resolve, and makes me oh so very sad.... the tipping point I guess....
THATS HOW I FELT ABOUT US ....
I hate roller coasters... I'm starting to turn green...
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
ouch. no one has said anything like that to me yet, but before all of this, numerous people have said to me that they loved us as a couple and they hoped they could find something like we had someday. i totally understand how a statement like that could make you feel so awful. i wish i could say something totally insightful, but all i can say is that you're not alone on that roller coaster.
(((talia)))
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
I'm stuck on what to do next... Guns blazing or wait and see...
T
My advice: something different.
Puppy
I agree with that, your emotions and actions swing too wildly. Get in control of your thoughts. Think about what something different would be then get some feedback and try it. If it works keep it, if not try something else.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Musing... OK PUP.... I'm on board with your advice... It hasn't steered to many wrong from what I've read.... Thanks Coach...
So far I've been clear with H that I don't expect him to change his mind - that's his prerogative and I'm just living my life. I've also been clear that if he DOES change his mind I'm open to forgiving him. That's the jist of my position on things. So my "More of the same" would be
Show up with no intention of moving toward D. Tell H that I don't want D, that I'm not ready to discuss filing, that I need more time in counseling and to please honor my request for time and space.
(Just typing that I feel weak and pathetic)
SO possible options for something DIFFERENT:
1) File for divorce and serve his sorry a$$ on the 21st.
2) Don't file. Show up and agree that this divorce needs to get moving. I'm not filing jointly because it diminishes my rights so either he gets moving or I will. Bring along a list of what he can expect from me with regards to the joint bills going forward and if he doesn't like it - tough.
3) Show up with nothing and see what he says.... tell him we need to get the D moving. Take anything he proposes and tell him I'll go over it with L an get back to him. (This would imply I'm ok with filing jointly, without stating one way or the other)
4)Agree to try and negotiate a mutual settlement between the two of us with the goal of filing jointly and be very ready to pull the plug on it and file myself if it doesn't go well. (I could easily do this because there is absolutely NO WAY we would ever complete this. His idea of what is "fair" is BS. Of course I would run everything past L at this point. This would be the most effective at Gucci's "agree" plan since this one will give him everything he says he wants right now)
I appreciate thoughts... I'm musing and thinking "out loud".. I'm finding that the more I write on here the better handle I get on how I feel and what makes sense for me....
Found Some of Gucci's stuff on HHH's thread... would love some direct insight into the "Gucci" plan for my sitch.... Gucci - if you are out there...
Not going to let the craziness ruin my day! Time to throw my hands up in the air, scream and enjoy the rush!!
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
5) Email H. Tell him there is no reason to meet, as long as he is in A we have nothing to discuss. I agree D needs to move forward and will look to be served in the near future. List what he can expect from me regarding joint accounts going forward. Leave all contact at that.
Still musing - working through the idea of DIFFERENT .....
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
Talia, glad you found some of gucci's posts. You can check on this thread {I think, maybe this one } for more specifics. Also look around for robx and Steve McQueen. And of course I would never have made it through this without Puppy.
I think you should first run those options by your L first to see what he thinks would work best strategically. My instinct would be to say option 1 because it doesn't give H any options but to do things your way for a change.
The thing you need to know about going down this path is that it is not a ruse. This is not a time to bluff because it may backfire and you need to be able to live with the results no matter what they are. I had no problem with it because when I was done, I was DONE. You have to know in your gut that you're ready to do this.
I don't know how far back you read on my sitch, but I can tell you that I told three different people that I was so finished with BF that I would NOT take him back in the days just before he told me he wanted another chance. I can't tell you that the same thing will happen with your H, but I can tell you that I wholeheartedly believe he would not have asked for that chance had I not taken that strong stand and walked away from him.
For me, it boiled down to this: why do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? If you think you will be happier with your whore then go right ahead. I know that there are other men out there who will value me and respect me and treat me accordingly.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 02/04/1011:36 PM. Reason: corrected links
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
