I've hit a wall.. Now what?

[trytryagain]

sorry you didn't sleep well last night! 4 martinis did the trick for me. spending so much time with my sister is going to turn me into a lush! they were gooooood martinis, though!

i feel your dilemma! how DO you accomplish loving and tough? obviously, you want to save your M, but you don't want to get walked all over in the process! i wish i knew what to tell you, but i think that your gut and everything you've learned here will take over when the time comes. when it comes down to it, you have to do what is best for you. even if that means taking a step away from saving your M. will your M be better off if you compromised your values and goals in order to make it work? probably not. stay true to yourself. meditate on the positive changes you have made and let that be your focus today, instead of treading water in those crabby, sulky feelings.

hope your meet up group is better than mine. that's where i found my divorce support group, which i left feeling like i needed to join a support group for victims of support groups!

like you told me...let go and let your faith guide you!!!

[talia]

TTA,
Thank You!! I needed that! THAT was wonderful advice.

I'm sticking to what is best for me.. whether I like it or not. I have faith.

Some good news. If I keep working all this OT plus my 2nd job I'll (which looks good for the forseeable future) MY BUDGET BALANCES!!! A ray of sunshine in my cloudy day.....


Back to work...

[flowmom]

How in the world do I convey to him that I DON'T want a divorce and I DON'T want to seem like a bitch, BUT I'm not going to let him take advantage of me any more and I will protect myself by making sure that any D settlement is in my best interests. UGH...

That is really tricky and I don't have experience with it. What about laying it on the line: delivering flowers *and* divorce papers with a note saying: "I love you and I believe that we can have a wonderful future together. Unless you feel the same way, however, it's time to divorce".

[pearlharbr]

I totally disagree with flowmom. Do NOT send flowers. As far as you know H is still having an affair with OW. Any pursuit right now is bad. Why would you chase after a cheater and liar?

TTA is right on the money: you have to put yourself first because no one else will.

Have you read Dobson's book Love Must Be Tough? As much as I dislike him and his organization I found the book to be very helpful.

I know you want to save your M. But do you really want to be M to the man your H is currently? Because unless he shows you that he is willing to work on himself that is the man you will get.

If you don't feel like you're up to meeting with H then don't do it. You can correspond via email. Plus it's still weeks away so there's no use in getting all worked up over it now. We'll help you get through it no matter what you decide. Just know that you can handle it.

Good news on the budget front! Yay!

Oh, and I forgot to mention that if you're going to be in/near Denver when you come to CO in the spring I'd be happy to meet up if you're up for it.

[hhh]

Talia,

How are you feeling now? I hear you about the lack of sleep...it takes it's toll and hard to think clearly. I read some of your earlier posts and I also struggled w the filing bit - hard to make yourself go down this route when you don't want D in first place. Good to educate yourself either way, but only you will know when the timing is right and if you want to go down this path. I'll write more later, feeling kinda beat right now (and prepping for my L meeting tomorrow), but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. ((T))
-hhh

[talia]

Hi All,
Thanks for propping me up today! I'm just over tired - that is never a good time to explore feelings...

Flowmom - LOVE your idea - not sure its right for me. My H deserves the D papers - not the flowers.

Pearl - You are totally right - thats why I'm confilicted. I wouldn't give the man H is being right now the time of day... ever. So thats how I'm treating him. He dosen't deserve anything more than that and I'm not in a place to give any more than that. I have no way of knowing if he's still involved with OW so I have to assume things are as they were last I had any facts. His behavior has changed slightly, but the immatureity and anger is still just under the surface. I can't be married to that man... no matter what. Unless he does some major 180's and gets some IC there's no way we could reconcile - even if he called tomorrow and said "I want to come home". Thats what has me emotional - not the actual D because I've accepted that as a possible outcome, but how do I do what's best for me and reconcile that to my values in marriage. I requested "Love Must Bet Tough" from the library... I don't like Dobson either but I've been told by several people that it will help. I'm glad I have several more weeks to get ahold of my feelings. That makes me feel empowered.

I'm just feeling today - not sorting or deciding. I'm not in a place to sort or decide but I do have to honor the feelings...

ON A GREAT NOTE... The meetup group was awesome. I met a whole bunch of nice people and I'm going again!!! Yeah for new friends!! I almost didn't go, but I made myself and I'm so glad that I did!

OH - Pearl - I'll totally meet up with you when I'm in Denver. I will be planning a trip sometime this summer! I'm looking forward to that very much!

Off to try and sleep. Talk to you all tomorrow!

T

[talia]

FINALLY GOT SOME SLEEP - NO DRUGS!!!!! Actually woke up feeling good and on time today! Small victories!

Meet up last night was awesome. I was so worried it would be a nightmare but I actually enjoyed myself, I haven't laughed that much or participated in such great conversation in a long time -

So here are my short term goals:
In the next 2 weeks...
~Focus in on my feelings about how I want to handle my D and how I am going to articulate that to H.
~Meet with L to discuss what is my best legal strategy - and implement his advice.
~Attend next weeks meet up with the group last night, attend another meet up on 20th with other group I found
~Continue Belly Dancing classes and going out salsa dancing

Over the next 3 months...
~ Take one fun class a week (i.e Belly Dancing)
~Complete the loan modification to secure my new mortgage payment
~Finish my house renovation. Explore roommate options ... i.e. find fabulous gay male roommate
~Put $2000 into savings per my budget plan
~Go on two real dates (just to test the waters)
~Continue to be lovingly detached from H and clearly enforce boundaries as he (apparently) starts the D process
~Continue running program - Join local running club when its warm enough to run outside, and find a local 5K to enter
~Lose another 20 lbs... totaling 50 since the start of all of this... That's 2 lbs a week over 12 weeks.

I think that sounds like a good plan for me.... Appreciate anyone of your thoughts too - as always.

Its nice to be feeling so much better today.... The lows aren't so low anymore

T

[hhh]

Dear Talia,
Sounds like you are doing great. I just met with L (will post shortly) and it was worth it to know I am going to right route..really just clarified what I already thought/knew, but again was worth it to leave no stone unturned. That helps in the moving on process itself and makes me feel stronger when I approach husband.

I am starting to think of this all as a parallel process. You deal w the moving on and healing (and separating emotional from legal/practical imp't too).

Where are you in your D process? Has your H filed? How are you thinking of D itself now compared to where you were when he first left?

Oh and re: dating, it's when your ready and small steps like flirting/casual chatting when you go out can't hurt. I posted a little about this on TTA's site and over time I've gotten more comfortable w it. When I was home going out a lot and having fun over the holdidays/few dates, I did not think about H at all...which was a nice break. Plus it helps get the confidence/mojo back up. But when you're ready, no rush. My IC last Spring kept challenging me to do it...pushing me almost in a way that didn't feel yet right for me. But a few months later I was ok w it (I mean - H certainly wasn't shy about doing it himself, and telling me!), and then have been proactively telling friends to set me up lately, and some have.

All in time...sounds like you've got the other activities and hobbies going well. Good job! I feel like staying busy and keeping up the distractions is the most helpful.
Take care,
hhh

[talia]

Hi HHH,
Nice to see you over here!

Nothing has been filed yet. I'm surprised and confused by that. H emailed me detailed spreadsheets about how to D the day after he dropped the bomb on me... and PUSHED PUSHED PUSHED me to agree to file immediately, he didn't want a long separation, this was a long time coming and I had better just accept it.

I told him to go to hell... and then we met in Oct and I asked him to wait to file until after the holidays because I was going to have a hard enough time getting through the holidays without adding looming court deadlines too. He - much to my GREAT surprise - VERY quickly agreed. Then Jan 1 rolled around and I expected immediate pressure... none. I anticipated getting served with D papers... none. Finally mid Jan he sends me an email along the lines of .... chatty friendly stuff related to his time over the holidays with family.... complaining about some of our bills... and then "we need to find a time to get together to get this thing moving... I know neither of us wants to drag it out"...

I put him off a little more and got a firmer email asking to firm up dates to negotiate the terms of the D. He is hell bent on getting me to "agree" to file together and negotiate everything between the two of us. His suggested dates were around 2/20 so I finally agreed to 2/21.

He has ASSUMED in all of his correspondence that I'm on board with filing jointly - even though I've never agreed to it or give him the impression I was going to - and he is somewhat forceful in re-iterating that each time he mentions it. What a shock that will be. HMMMMM Assumptions ... the make an... well anyway...

His tone is contrite ... if you can have a tone in an email... however its a huge 180 for him in how he's communicated with me previously. Not sure what the means - probably nothing.

I've been barely civil and kinda bitchy. I don't mean to be - but I've really had enough of the BS. He keeps testing all boundaries and I'm sick of it. I'm on the verge of having my own papers filed and ready to serve to him on the 21st... not sure I have the guts...

I'm going to call his bluff. I'm not filling jointly - his D, his job. I'm slightly afraid that he just WON'T file at all.. He's cake eating right now anyway so why mess with a good thing if I don't do it the way he wants. I guess I'll just have to wait and see and re-adjust from there...

He hasn't had the balls to file anything official yet. It seems very important to him that I agree and we do it amicably. I'm sure that means in his mind - I think the marriage can't be save either - ergo it really IS the best thing for both of us - ergo he did the right thing and doesn't have to feel guilty.... I'M TOTALLY NOT FEEDING INTO THAT CRAP!
In the past he's never had the balls to do anything... he always expected me to pull the trigger and then he was highly critical that I didn't do it the way he wanted. Clearly that hasn't changed.

Right now I'm just sorting through how I feel about it, what my best legal options/ strategy are, and what will be best for me in the long run. I'm really on the fence about whether or not I care anymore if he ever comes around. I'm starting to hate the man he is... not the man he was... and I'm starting to see that I could have a really good life without him...


OH Well.. I guess time will tell how I should handle things....


T

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hi Talia,

I stopped by as you requested, and a HUGE disclaimer here in that I have NOT read your sitch -- just this most recent long one of yours. But my takes are:

- He's being nice to soften you up pre-legally, which is pretty common;

- You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT in not being willing to just "go along" on the filing jointly thing. RETAIN YOUR OWN ATTY, and don't do ANYTHING you are not completely comfortable with!

- I do think he got "cold feet" a few times along the way, which is pretty typical for a wayward man (they're all basically pansies at heart, not wanting to leave their homes and wives and INCOMES just for their girlfriend), so he's just doing the "keep two plates spinning on the sticks" thing.

My two cents,

Puppy