Hi guys, So session went well w L today. Confirmed what I already thought but it was a good guy check on what is worth/not fighting for, realistic expectations and the process itself (plus giving me all the forms I needed). Wonderful guy, very highly regarded firm here. Said no real right to alimony or future earnings (didn't think so) given length of M, no kids, no fault state, etc..and even past rent paid is really marital assests and not worth fighting for (I wouldnt anyway). I have way more saving than H and he still has debt, so he thought very honestly (and this has been reiterated by 2 other L's spoke with) walking away each with what is our own is best/most fair/rationale approach. If I can get some tuition money back, great...but he did say think about if it's worth paying $X to get $X+ bit back (NOT huge delta here at all). In the scheme this is not a huge amount; I will ask him back for myself first (a la talia's suggestion - don;t think this necessarily needs to be contentious or legal, since he has brought it up himself before).
He said my D would be quite simple and best route to go is joint filing. I'm going to address the tuition stuff w H and based on his response go or not go down that route. It truly may not be worth it in the end. L was very practical and honest, I felt comfortable w him and know he had my best interest in mind. We talked through several different scenarios and there are cases H could make as well, so he agreed that if we could walk away w our own assets as is, that would be the most just/win (plus asking school $ as part of, which I plan to...but if it's going to cost me a lot to get this not-huge amount back, I may let it go since I am keeping all furniture/wedding gifts, etc).
But it assuaged any concerns that I was leaving anything on the table and I'm glad I met with him. It made me feel more comfortable about what is rightfully mine and what should just be let go of/split. My salary is also still a but higher than H. His earning potential is likely greater, but future rights do not really play out in this state given our M details. So some of this 'princple' and 'emotion' stuff I think I need to let go..yes the principle of I helped him a bit and now wish I could cut back, etc... but it's not a fight/case I could win, and this is where the emotional needs to be separated from the legal and practical. If we end this M with me keeping what's mine and he his, I'm still in a good place financially.
Nonetheless, peace of mind in doing it. I will continue to work on myself and small goals/progress in that H and I seem to be more civil these days. He ends his emails w jokes and a smiley face...haven't gotten that in quite awhile. As Talia said awhile back, it need not be a contact sport. But it's still hard to file when you don't want it. However at this point, guys, I don't think I have a choice. I don't think I can 'fight this D' anymore if he's bent on it. I think we can hopefully just try to be civil and kind and peaceful throughout this process. That would be the best route regardless of outcome, right?
He invited me to lunch on Saturday, and I plan to go. He may very well bring up stuff and while I'll try to keep it light and upbeat, I think the basics should be discussed. I don't plan to bring up myself, but if he does I think I should just go along w it, discuss business as needed, and see if we can agree on things as much as possible on our own. I had 3 friends also in this state who did this very similarly, 1 used a mediator, others agreed and it was civil/simple. If H gives me hard time for any reason, I know I have relationship w L to turn to in case. How do you DB at this stage when D is imminent? Hard to go along when you don't want to but I've come to accept this is where we are. So I don't think fighting it or getting nasty (I will stand my ground as needed) is appropriate at this stage.
So I hope I can keep up the progress and not backslide too much. I still have some moments of yikes! with all the upcoming changes in my life, but am trying to envision the positive and exciting unknown. I know we will all make it through this. It is sad to see your love slip away...and I think waves of mourning and grief will still come from time to time. Sometimes you need to hit a little feeling of bottom to then say, 'ok, time to get back up and charge on!' I guess.
And the mom stuff...ugh, it's all about boundaries. I love her and want a relationship w her but we just seem to bat heads! She's always pointing out what I'm doing wrong but rarely looks into the mirror herself. I agree w you Pearl when I don't call home that much, it's better...we do want a relationship w each other but I feel so awful after we fight. She just kept bringing up past issues and fights we've had which pisses me off... and she can't seem to recognize her role or address her own behavior. I need to practice acceptance and letting go w her too I think, just wish she would practice what she preaches and not put it all on me, esp not now.
Anyways, enough of all that. Hope you guys are doing well and having a good day. It's cold but at least sunny here! Take care, hhh
