It is not about agreeing to their feelings it is about accepting what they are saying.
All you should have said to your W in response to her "this is all your fault" bit is: "I can see how you would feel that way"
That way, there is NOTHING she can say back as you have validated her feelings and not rammed YOUR agenda down her throat. Do this a few times on a consistent and true basis and there is a slim chance the way in which your W communicates with you might start to shift in a positive way.
I see what you're saying and I'll add that starting last weekend I did the similar technique that I had read about with her every time we were together and not only did she open up and talk to me but that may be what led to all those things we did together.
Then again it may not have...I may never understand why she did all that and then still committed (...a potentially meaningless concept for her) to the OM while we were doing that stuff.
At any rate I agree that validation can produce positive results if its done right...but like the other technique it requires practice and a sense of awareness of when to do it.
And I did miss an opportunity to do it when she made that statement. While I didnt say "no it's your fault not mine" I did get caught up in not letting myself get blamed. Additionally I was quite nervous at the time of the call because I really thought she would be mad at how I had acted so I didnt have it together enough to realize the opportunity.
Another lesson learned. If you are not prepared to talk to your W then wait 24 or 48 hours until you are. Being nervous on a call, worrying about blame and speculating about what she may or may not be mad at is pointless.
And stop worrying about why your W did this or that with OM. It doesn't matter and will only hinder your growth.
As I see it you are only doing these things to win your W back and it will never ever stick.
My ex called to say goodnight to our daughter...used her cell phone even instead of her work phone which is unusual. Then after she had said bye to our daughter I went to say bye to her and she hung up before I could get it out.
I'm sure its meaningless...but it seems when anything out of the ordinary happens with her (like shutting your cell phone off at 10PM to go to bed) I get this weird feeling.
I've been reading more threads where people talk about their boundaries. It was interesting because not all of them are huge boundaries...just any undesired behavior and a consequence.
That will definately help should I be put in the position of feeling like a doormat again.
It was kind of interesting too how a lot of people I read about had similar problems of halfheartedly DB-ing or doing it for a while then sliding back to what's not recommended.
GAL-ing when your child and spouse have been your whole life for so long is a lot harder than it sounds like. It's been so long since I did things that I really enjoyed on my own that I have trouble thinking of what I like to do. For as long as I can remeber I've been pretty much a homebody...which is one of the reasons my ex gave for losing interest.
I'm trying to think of a hobby I could pick up that would fit into my visitation schedule with my daughter. Friday night is the only full night I have without her and I'm not really a bar/club type person which is mainly what people do on Friday nights.
During the day when she's not with me I usually go to the gym and run errands, though theres at least one or two free hours each day that could stand to be filled.
The sad part about the gym is that it really does nothing for me. I dont enjoy going, dont enjoy working out, and dont feel better when I'm done. As CityGirl said I'm doing these things to win back my ex...joining the gym is a perfect example. I thought if I get in shape and show her not only a more fit me but that I can get out of the house it would reattract her. Suffice it to say it hasnt made a dent. Granted the OM is in her life and she's high on the in-love feeling so it likely wouldnt matter if I did cartwheels while skydiving and playing a tuba.
Hi NSW, since I last posted, CG and Puppy has popped by with sterling advice.
I'm not sure you've really heard a single word of it however.
I won't worry about other people trying half-heartedly or backsliding right now. To do that, you gotta actually start and make some progress to backslide.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and resentful that you're feeling sorry (that's what it seems like to me from your posts). Stop whining about GAL and actually go get a life. Stop mind reading and revolving your whole world and emotions over what your ex could be up to.
Doing things for yourself is not confined to just things you like. Look at yourself now and ask what is one thing you can do to make one part of yourself better or as part of a progression towards a better person. Then DO it.
And maybe as a rare one-off thing - you might wanna start on boundaries by doing one on yourself. You will not tolerate disrespect from yourself.
Perhaps, NSW to self: "I feel disrespected when I do or say things that I think will win my ex back. I will do things that make me a better person for me. If I find myself doing things hoping to influence my ex, I will put matches under my fingernails and light them".
Umm yes, I was kidding, but probably only about the part with the matches. Either that, or maybe your mindset is contagious .
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Doing things for yourself is not confined to just things you like. Look at yourself now and ask what is one thing you can do to make one part of yourself better or as part of a progression towards a better person. Then DO it.
I think maybe I've finally figured out some things I can do for myself that would be just for me and if I can do them successfully I will indeed be a better person.
The first is to let go of the past and really truely accept that there is nothing I can do to change it. I find myself thinking about moments, conversations, situations, and thinking if only I had/hadn't known/said/done etc. If I can truely let go of the past then I will likely be happier.
The second is to not daydream about the future and build up a situation that may or may not ever happen. I find myself thinking about conversations and activites that I would like to be having with my ex that may not ever happen and if they did they may not go like I daydream they will. All that does is set me up for a fall, and so if I avoid doing that I will also likly be a much happier person.
The third is to spend more quality time with D3. Since all of this happened, I've been so caught up in my own pain and sorrow that I havent done as much of the fun activites I used to do with D3 including playing and such. I think aside from doing things at home, I can take her to movies, childrens museums, dinner out, etc.
In general I want to become more emotionally stable...I want to feel happy and normal again and not sad or angry or any of the other emotions that accompany the roller coaster. I think if I am able to accomplish the first two things I will likely be much more emotionally stable and therefor be better off for it.
I think one more thing I could do to help me be a better person is to forgive...both myself and my ex. I think I need to forgive her for leaving to be with the OM because at the time she was doing what she felt she needed to to be happy. I need to forgive myself for not seeing the warning signs and for not being able to get my ex back when she left because knowing what I do about WAS's and relationships in general her leaving and her coming back are out of my control...only she can make those decisions.
I dont know if these are the right kinds of things I am supposed to be thinking about...nor do I know how long it will take for me to successfully accomplish them. But I do believe that if I do all of them I will feel better and likely be a better person.
As I type this though...I cant help but miss my ex. I'm sad that I wont see her until Saturday...and I'm sad that she's going to be going through a lot of pain after her teeth extraction and I cant be there to take care of her like I would if we were together. I'm sad that I cant reach out to her or tell her how sorry I am that she has to go through this, because it would be pursuing. Most of all though...I'm sad because whenever I used to be sad about stuff like this I could always count on a hug from her to make me feel so much better...and not only have I not gotten a hug from her since that November morning she told me we needed to talk, I will likely never get those hugs and comfort from her again...someone else will be getting them.
As I said a few days ago, I purchased John Gray's "Mars and Venus Starting over" which talks about dealing with ones pain and healing after death, divorce, or breakup.
While several parts of it are generally helpful with the healing aspect, there are a few parts that actually make me feel a bit more hopeful with respect to the permanance of my ex's involvement with the OM.
Aside from it being a bit of a rebound relationship, which has its own issues, I doubt she gave herself enough time to heal and deal with her feelings regarding leaving me...so that could cause issues in their relationship.
I came to a section about men seking power, and one section was about dating younger women. As I began to read it my heart began to sink, but as I came to the end of it I actually felt a bit better.
It basically stated that men over 40 (he's 41) are attracted to younger women to make himself feel more powerful and a woman in her 20's (26 actually) is attaracted to an older powerful man. But as the younger women gets older she changes and becomes less accomodating.
Additionally, after the hormone rush fades, it is supposedly difficult to maintain attraction to someone who has a different level of maturity unless he is very young at heart and she is very mature at heart. I dont know how young at heart he is, but I know her maturity level isnt even at what a 26 year old would be. (That's not a put down...it's based on an almost verbatim comment from her own mother as well as a few others).
Now of course none of this is certain...and even if it was...it still takes roughly two years for the "in love" hormones feeling to fade.
Two years is quite a long amount of time to wait. So its both encouraging and discouraging at the same time.
There are MANY *really* good books you should be reading for YOU. Instead you chose to read a book that may give you insight to your W and her affair.
And FWIW, my H has been with his affair for two years. He recently admitted to me that divorce was not the answer, he now has the same issues with OW as he had with me so clearly it was HIM and not ME and their R is getting very rocky. BUT he decided to stay with her anyhow. So, yes, the book is about right but it doesn't mean a damn thing either way.
Do some research on the forum and choose a few books that will force you to focus on YOUR work only.
CityGirl...I will see what searches yield for those books. Are there any keywords I should be targeting? (eg. "personal growth")
My ex just called and at first was very angry with me. Apparently she tried calling several times today and my cell phone didnt ring. It didnt help that my house phone line was busy from being online. She used that as an excuse to take a jab at me about being on the computer (one of her reasons for leaving) saying "I tried calling the house phone but it was busy...imagine that."
I was able to validate though. I told her I could see how that would make her feel frustrated. I said that it wasnt intentional and my phone hadnt rang until this time that she called (at which time I also got a text message saying "HELLO???"). It did the same thing last night when my family called twice and it never rang just showed voicemails.
She said I was so lucky because very shortly she would have showed up at the house here. I find myself figuratively beating my head at the wall at her reaction to not begin able to get in touch with me and yet thinking I was a creep/a-hole for reacting the same way to not being able to get in touch with her Friday night.
At any rate she told me she wanted to talk to D3. Before she did she told me that her dad could only get off work for an hour tomorrow and so her sister would be driving her to her dentist appt but that her dad would likely be coming to get D3 in the morning. I volunteered to drop D3 off at her Dad's house as an alternative. (I'm not really sure I want to see him anyway.) She said she would text me later and let me know.
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