I agree to doing that in the past. Definitely! He would leave her and be back with me within days. Many times I did this. It never worked and I knew why.
This time however I know the OW is not a problem. It has been 18 months since they last split. He did not ask to come back home until over a year later. The OW has been remarried and divorce in that time and basically has little contact with my H except in passing when at the ems/fire building where she works and he volunteers. He really wont even go there when she is there. He cant stand to really be in the same room with her anymore. She is cold to him and will ignore him most times. SO, I do not see her a problem with us reconciling this time. For the first time we can see where things are going to go without having to worry about that. I believe he has gone through that withdrawal over the past year. I watched him go through it. Brought back memories of my own pain when he left me. Not exactly the same, and I probably shouldnt care about his hurt when she dumped him, but I knew it hurt him.
He does know that she needs to be out of the picture for us to even begin working on things. I know he wouldnt have asked to come home back in October if he knew she was still a factor.
OK, enough about the OW. She is gone for good and has been for 18 months now!! One reason he said he did think about me so much and wanted to come home was because I was always there for him. That I never left him and was always there to listen. His other friends had all left him and werent dependable when he needed them. I however have always tried to be his friend, even when I didnt feel like it.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Oh, whine away--whining helps to keep those expectations from getting too high!
Dday, it looks as though you were lucky that your wife was an anomaly, because everything that Michele WD, our MC, and other piecers here wrote, indicated that spouses generally feel an addiction to their OW comparable to, say, heroin addiction, and require a similar kind of withdrawal. In fact, I trusted more that my H was getting over OW (and that it was an addiction, not genuine love) because I could actually watch his symptoms diminishing.
Kissak, I'm glad you're past that part, and agree that OW sounds like history. But it's really only after your S has no crutches/self-medication left that he's able to do the hard work of owning up to the pain he caused, and acknowledging what he needs to change in himself. As long as you can see him making progress in these areas, it's worth it to hang in.
The best way to be able to strike a balance between remaining detached and letting the walls down sometimes, is to be happy with yourself, and your life, independent of your H. Are you keeping up you GAL activities? Do you do 180's for yourself--trying new foods and activities, new ways of interacting with others--to keep from falling into a rut or taking yourself for granted?
It's a good start that you can feel your H's love. Before my H started saying "ILY," he started calling me by all my pet names again, and holding me lovingly again (as opposed to during his MLC, when he might have been hugging a fencepost). And he'd reminisce a lot about our early days together. Again, any positives like this are signs he's continuing to progress. I don't notice that you're doing MC--any chance of doing that? I felt it speeded up the whole process.
Dday, it looks as though you were lucky that your wife was an anomaly, because everything that Michele WD, our MC, and other piecers here wrote, indicated that spouses generally feel an addiction to their OW comparable to, say, heroin addiction, and require a similar kind of withdrawal.
Well, I wouldn't exactly say she's an anomoly. More like the good church kid who spent every waking moment doing something good. Then he and his friends got older and his friends got mixed up in those "bad eliments" in the drugs and what not, but the good church kid wanted nothing to do with it. Then all of the sudden, something changed, a family fight or whatnot and the good kid acted out and joined those bad seeds and did those drugs and knew it was wrong all along. He wasn't neccissarily addicted per sae, sure excited and euphoric in the begining, but then all the sudden he didn't like what he was doing and knew it was wrong, but he couldn't find the inner strength to stop.
That is how I sum up (x)W. She was so laden to shove it in my face at first how OM was the greatest thing over deep fried twinkies at first. But all the while, you could tell it was all an act and over time it really showed. The way I see it, (x)W was that addict who so long wanted help but couldn't muster the strength to get it until one day she was so disgusted with her ownself she made herself get clean, and like any remorseful addict, glad to be off and free of the filth that destroyed her life. So much that she is back to preaching to prase, albeit in hypocritial that cheaters are the most vile persons to roam the earth.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Dday, are you saying that your W is declaring, hypocritically, that cheaters are the most vile persons to roam the earth? That sounds as though there's either a serious lack of self-examination there, or some over-the-top self-loathing that needs to be addressed.
Nah, she was that way all along since day one. She would always say that there was no place in the world for cheaters. Kind of like...hmmm... I don't know using the analogy, a person who in there teens never part took in drinking or drugs, then all the sudden they themselves much later on in life found themselves in that very predicament and pulled themselves out of it and was just so beside themselves they became the very fabric they used to not tolerate.
So, even tho at the same time she is back to feeling resentful of cheaters, she now knows how you become one and I think when the moment comes that one of her friends or acquantances she knows would even concider it, she would be fast on the gun to discourage them with knowledge of what it does, versus what she used to do and just disassociate them.
EDIT- so kind of like the gang or drug councilor who was a banger or druggie themselves is the path she is taking.
Last edited by dday101798; 02/04/1006:55 PM.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Well, if she's learned compassion and forgiveness--for herself and for others who have broken their moral codes--then she's really grown through her experience, and will be an excellent role-model for her friends.
Well, if she's learned compassion and forgiveness--for herself and for others who have broken their moral codes--then she's really grown through her experience, and will be an excellent role-model for her friends.
Exactly.
Sorry we got a little off the topic Kissak.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Thats ok! I enjoyed reading. I agree that the OW or OP can be like an addiction. I could see that clearly with my H and the OW. He used to tell me he couldnt go a day without talking to her and how she made him feel and blah blah blah...of course he also saw them growing old together. Funny how he was so sure of something that didnt even come close to working out!
Im waiting for the day if it ever comes to hear him say how sorry he is for having to put me and our kids thru all that pain. (NOt that its important...it may never happen and Im ok with that!)
Cyrena! I am GAL! Im so happy to say that I am. I spent many of hours on this place the first year of my separation...looking for answers, comfort, help, anything that would get me through this. Now I hardly come on at all! Im proud of that fact! I do try to focus on getting off this last 10 pounds! That keeps me very busy!!
Last edited by kissak; 02/04/1007:45 PM.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Im waiting for the day if it ever comes to hear him say how sorry he is for having to put me and our kids thru all that pain. (NOt that its important...it may never happen and Im ok with that!)
Wow, Kissak, I can feel the pride you have in having Got back your Life--congratulations and way to go, girl!! Good luck with those 10 pounds; what are you doing to shake them?
