I totally get what you are saying. The background info does tend to cloud the issue that this is a textbook affair. Because I know she always responds negatively to pressure, I am not sure if exposeing the whole thing would drive her further away or not.
And "giving her space" works so well, right?
"I need space," to someone who is wayward, merely means "I need you to give me space in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered." How much "further away" can she get? She's already emotionally GONE, and cheating on you!
If you're serious about saving your marriage, you will move back into your home, and fight for it, and fight for your wife. She may scream like a witch with holy water poured on her at first, but she will respect you in the long-run. I can assure you, she does NOT respect you now, and since women tie their feelings of "love" very closely with their feelings of "respect," you can see that you've got your work cut out for you.
Ozy, You wanted and are getting very good objective advice. The best part is what is being recommended works.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You're stuck in a bad position, juggling like a jester trying to keep up with your wife who's on a jog to wonderland.
Stop keeping all the balls in the air. Stop running. Take a moment to center. Take time to breathe.
Reread what gucci and Puppy have written. They know what works. I'm a woman who trusts their word.
It's better to put everything on the line. What good is a relationship that's half there, "go along, get along"?
During our divorce process, my former spouse blamed me for everything, including screaming, "You were a sh!tty wife!"
That wounded me to the core because I was all about family. When I thought about it, I realized I had been such a wife, but not for the reasons he thought. I cared more about the cohesiveness of the family than my self worth. I made everyone more important than me and lost who I was in the process.
In retrospect, I should have put it all on the line ages ago, been willing to face my own fears and risk everything I held dear for an equal loving growing partnership. Rather than relying on the basis of our love.
Read "Not Just Friends". Emotional relationships happen innocently, each wayward individual turning to each other as emotional confidants rather than to their spouses.
It stems from an emotional void. Very simple.
Don't say, "I don't want to lose you."
Say, "I want you, all of you. The good, the bad, the warts, the beauty, everything. That's who I married, that's who I love."
You will eventually lose her unless she comes to a great awakening that what she has is better than what she imagines, or if you take steps to tell her the way back or else.
As I found out.. You don't hold onto someone who doesn't want to be with you; to someone who doesn't cherish and treasure you.
Make the decision rather than having it painfully unravel around you. She's been discontented for a quite a while.
From personal experience- both of you in the house w/o a commitment to the M from your WAW- is VERY PAINFUL and WILL HOLD YOU BACK.
If she is not committed to the M w/o OM, draw your boundary and get her out of the house. My W satyed for 4+ months, drove me nuts, and yanked my chain- only to move out anyway.
You can reclaim some power and some respect by listening to the people above.
Good for you for calling her out on the EA/OM. It was long overdue.
You did a great thing by telling her "then you do what you need to do." If you do not want a D, do NOT file. Let her do the dirty work.
You should tell her that you want the M to work and are willing to make it work but you cannot and will not tolerate a 3rd person being involved. Suggest MC. The rest will be up to her to decide what is most important for her.
As for your kids, go and see them. They are your children and you have every right as a father to go and visit with them. That house is yours too, right? I would move back in!
If you don't mind, can you elaborate on the issues between her & your mother? Why the animosity?
You're stuck in a bad position, juggling like a jester trying to keep up with your wife who's on a jog to wonderland.
Stop keeping all the balls in the air. Stop running. Take a moment to center. Take time to breathe.
Reread what gucci and Puppy have written. They know what works. I'm a woman who trusts their word.
It's better to put everything on the line. What good is a relationship that's half there, "go along, get along"?
During our divorce process, my former spouse blamed me for everything, including screaming, "You were a sh!tty wife!"
That wounded me to the core because I was all about family. When I thought about it, I realized I had been such a wife, but not for the reasons he thought. I cared more about the cohesiveness of the family than my self worth. I made everyone more important than me and lost who I was in the process.
In retrospect, I should have put it all on the line ages ago, been willing to face my own fears and risk everything I held dear for an equal loving growing partnership. Rather than relying on the basis of our love.
Read "Not Just Friends". Emotional relationships happen innocently, each wayward individual turning to each other as emotional confidants rather than to their spouses.
It stems from an emotional void. Very simple.
Don't say, "I don't want to lose you."
Say, "I want you, all of you. The good, the bad, the warts, the beauty, everything. That's who I married, that's who I love."
You will eventually lose her unless she comes to a great awakening that what she has is better than what she imagines, or if you take steps to tell her the way back or else.
As I found out.. You don't hold onto someone who doesn't want to be with you; to someone who doesn't cherish and treasure you.
Make the decision rather than having it painfully unravel around you. She's been discontented for a quite a while.
*hugs*
Wow.
There you have it, Ozy -- from men, and from women. We are both telling you the same thing.
As I found out. You don't hold onto someone who doesn't want to be with you; to someone who doesn't cherish and treasure you. Make the decision rather than having it painfully unravel around you. She's been discontented for a quite a while.*hugs*
Bottom line. In a nutshell. As always, Gypsy.
Ozy: Heed.
Sincerely,
I-learned-this-the-long-painful-way Gardener
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Gucci - Can you stop over to my thread.. "I've hit a wall... now what" and give me a link to your story. I've been advised that "the gucci way" is what works...
Puppy - you've helped pearl a ton - would love to hear what you think!!1
Talia
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
