Doing hard time on the MLC chain gang.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I am sort of stuck here with respect to my children, I think I know my answer here but wanted to see what you guys thought.

We can stand in hell all the live long day...right up until our children start getting hurt.
Or right up until we think they start getting hurt.

D13 is having a very hard time, last night late she and I were talking and she broke down crying. She wants mom permanently out of her life, wants us to move so there is no chance of interaction with mom etc. D13 is grieving the loss of her mom just as we grieve the loss of our spouse and marriage.

No she is grieving differently. Entirely differently. She is not only circling the wagons, she is heading back East.

S9 on the otherhand is now feeling more of a need to be around mom more. He is realizing that it has been 5 months since she has been out of the house and he is sensing that she might not be coming back. He is losing hope. And he is breaking down also.

She is mom and mommy to him, of course he feels this way.
Have you and your wife sat down with them and TOLD them that this has nothing to do with them, together? That this is actually a problem between Mom and Dad; that they have NOTHING to do with it. That you both love them very much.

My kids up to this point have done pretty good but I can see they are both in pain and I am having to weigh the needs of one against the other. S9 needs to see mom more and D13 doesn't need/want to see mom at all.

The needs…

Your daughter doesn’t WANT to see her mother. That is your daughter lashing out and trying to exert some control on a situation she has little control over. It is not that she doesn’t NEED to see her mother.

Spoke to D13's counselor (just started last Saturday). D13's C said " It would be helpful if the kids new where the R between the W and I stood and what was going to happen." I told C that I want to work it out but I know my W is in the throws of MLC and while she does not want work on the R, I remain hopeful for reconciliation in the future.

D13's C recomended getting with my W to push the issue of where we are at which I am not going to do but I hate to see my D13 in pain.

I am very glad that you do not think this is a good idea.

Experience here says that if you push…they’ll run. And that is not what you have stated you want to happen. You cannot do this. You. Your daughter, however? She can ask. I am all for the MLCer seeing the effect of their decisions upon their children without their rose colored glasses.

I am NOT saying use your children as tools, or pawns in this.
You support your children, you protect them, but you do not limit them from asking the MLCer hard questions…just not YOUR hard questions, do not supply them the questions YOU want answered. You do not pry information out of them, you do not use them to play the MLCer.

Part of her pain is the uncertainty of our future, this is killing me.

That is your pain as well.

D13 and I are meeting with D13 C toinght to discuss, I want to be honest with my daughter about where I stand but she along with her C, my friends, family etc. want me to give up and move on.

You friends and family do not want you to hurt. Or rather they want you to hurt as little as possible, so to them, that means get a divorce and move on. They want what they think is the best for you. And strangely, it is what they think they would do in your shoes…but really? Many of them would ALSO end up here too.

Do I say to D13, I have not given up hope for mom and I to get back together which the very thought of having to be back in the same house with mom tears up D13. Or do I somewhat lie and say "yes, it is over and we are going to get divorced" in order to help her move on.

Which one is the truth? Which one isn’t the lie? You tell her the truth of the matter.

However, one of the boundaries of getting back with your wife, might have to be that she and your daughter get a C together. Look in teenage years, the mothers and daughter butt heads, and the fathers and sons butt heads. Its natures’ way of saying almost time to get out of the nest. Does it always happen? No.

I am so angry with my W for doing this to our family, to our kids. I want to let her have it, but know I can't and it that is not part of who I am anymore. I wish I could let her know the level of pain she is causing.

That day might come. It might be yelling, or it might be quiet, in order to truly heal some wounds have to be cleansed. She might do it on her own.

About kids…

Lets say that your daughter thinks of you as ‘weak’ for this.
Well…

Your daughter is 13 f-ing years old. She has no idea what weak is, what hard is, or what sacrifice really is. None. None at all.

Her issues with her mother aside.

YOU are the template she will be using when looking for later in life. Is she going to be looking for someone who gives up on her, or who will walk through hell for her? Someone who caters to her, or someone she respects?

At 13 her world is full of wants, not needs. And what she thinks she wants isn’t always in her best interest.

Not giving her everything she wants, might get her to call you all sorts of names, however she will respect you. I wonder if that isn’t a part of it, in some way. If she feels like she can also bend you to her will like she believes her mother is doing?