feel like giving up - talk to me!

[Gnosis]

Hey Rob, glad you're here to post your opinions. I agree with most of what you said, because we've told Luv the same thing... only with different words -- it appears your way of saying things is getting through to her.

Read her thread, she has posted umpteen examples of the fact that he believes she'll always be there, never telling her he loves her, not responding to calls or texts, not telling her he loves her, never taking her feelings into consideration.

Yes, that's true... Do you remember on Jan 17 where I asked:

What does your H need to do to win you back?

And Luv replied:

1 - He needs to realize he has hurt me deeply and APOLOGIZE sincerely.
2 - Tell me he wants to work on our marriage that it is a priority!
3 - Be honest and transparent.

That's pretty much it - if he really loves me - simple!

And then the VERY NEXT DAY this is what was posted:

You said...

1 - He needs to realize he has hurt me deeply and APOLOGIZE sincerely.

then...

He said he knows he's been a jerk and he's sorry..first time ever admitting that.

Completed.

You said...

2 - Tell me he wants to work on our marriage that it is a priority!

then...

he says he wants to work on our marriage

Completed.

You said...

3 - Be honest and transparent.

then...

He continues to talk about his unhappiness and still telling me he feels awful about his mom being gone. <snip>
to his not being happy - he loves me but he feels lost! <snip>

Completed.

You have your three things from yesterday Luv. Now what else does he have to do?

So.. her H met her demands... but that was not good enough. Luv claims to have been DB'ing, but was still too attached and looking for reasons to hammer the guy. She held onto her resentment and hurt and was in her own fog. She has been trying... but only half-assed. She has not been willing to put aside her anger and resentment to truly make an effort on GAL or 180's. In the process the kids got involved and chose sides... hers.

DB'ing says to become a better option. Nowhere here have I seen her become the 'better option.' Instead she has been working hard on herself to become the worse option. Instead of taking advantage of the time he has been away for work to find things that make her happy... she spent most of that time with a green icon on the board and at home moping and feeling sorry for herself.

Yes, her H has been a jerk. A major jerk. No one is arguing this fact and I'm not defending him. His behavior is despicable. No excuses.

With that in mind, Rob I'd like you to ask yourself this question... and please give it some honest thought. Look at this from her H's point of view: If this was your W and this was how she was behaving...
Would you feel like coming home to her?
Wouldn't you stay away and breathe a sigh of relief?
Wouldn't you feel free because she's giving you the excuse you've been waiting for?
Why would you look back?
What reason would you have to look back?

Can you answer those questions?

There is a reason why you become the better option. A WAH is a different creature to a WAW. Sure, they share some similarities, but a WAH is much easier to turn than a WAW.

And Luv... there is a lot I haven't said here... because you confided in me. Perhaps it's time you shared that here too so that people will get a better picture.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

G, thank you for communicating my thoughts in a better way. I'm not always good at explaining things.

and this isn't about letting the H walk all over you. What we want to really see you do luv, is do the 3 steps.

Stop chasing
Start Galing
Wait

[Gnosis]

One more thing Luv...

Before you make any decisions on what you're going to do... make sure that you are of sound mind and not stuck in the midst of emotion when you execute them. Remember the 24/48 hour rule? That applies here too. Rob has given you good advice and so has ST. They are both saying very much the same thing.

Remember the 4C's. When you pull the trigger make sure you're aware of the full consequences of your actions and are fully prepared to live with them.

I know that when I made my mind up I was done -- and truly done. I didn't drop the rope, I shredded it. I wasn't doing anything to manipulate... I was doing it to set myself free and look forward to a new life. If you are done then this is what you need to do: Envision your life without your H in it. Plan for that life and work towards it without looking back.

I was going to cut and paste all the valid things Rob's written, but I don't have time to do that.This is something you're going to have to do.

You have some big decisions to make. Make them and stick to them and live them. I have been telling you this all along.

[luvless]

I understand completely what you are saying G - you too ST. I do.

I have tried...I really have...anyone who knows me even says, "I can't believe how well you've done through this." I guess the "trying" doesn't work though. I know.

I have a strange sense of peace these last two days. I don't even know what I'm feeling..it's weird.

None of your words are ever in vain...

[Gnosis]

I'm not saying discard Rob's advice -- because a lot of what he is saying IS valid. You need to detach from the outcome. Go out and live your life. Find what makes your happy and DO IT! Do not waste your energy anymore on what H is doing, what time he's coming home etc.

The solution is simple:
If he doesn't call to let you know... there is no dinner, no leftover's, nothing.
You do not continue being his maid or his doormat.
You pick yourself up and do things that make you happy.
You do not need to be a jerk to him and you do not have to meet his needs.
You need to shine.
You need to become the woman that any man will die for.
You ABSOLUTELY HAVE to work on yourself (which you've started on)

You need to "live in your own happy little world" that you create for yourself -- without him -- EVEN IF HE IS STILL LIVING at home. If that proves too difficult for you then ask him to leave. Just bear in mind that he has no attachment to the kids at the moment and the kids don't want him near him.

Just be completely aware of everything. If you had led me to believe that he had anything to lose by you kicking him out I would be jumping up and down... in fact if I remember correctly... I did tell you to kick him out... but your excuse at the time was: "I need to get my ducks in a row first."

So, are your ducks in a row?

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Luv, I think it's time for you to make a goal for yourself.

think about it for a while, and make a decision on what you want for yourself, and what steps you can take to get you there.


I'm glad you are feeling some peace, it could be a sign of detachment, and letting go, and that is good.

[luvless]

I know

I wish I didn't have to....

[patpat]

((((luv))))

I have tried...I really have...anyone who knows me even says, "I can't believe how well you've done through this." I guess the "trying" doesn't work though. I know.

You asked me not to forget you in my nightly prayer sessions...
and I have not.... How could I? You are Luv...

But I have been praying over you. I also have been waiting to respond to you but did not know what to say as things in your sitch have not progressed as you have desired. Finally, God has presented me with a few words that I hope will help at this particular time in your sitch.

Luv, you have been hurting alot lately, for a long while.... longer than I. All I can say to you my dear is that sometimes love hurts. It truely is hard when your H continually makes bad choices that impact your life and the lives of those around you (ur children). You naturally respond by trying to get your life back on track. You keep trying to fix the things your H has choosen to do, the things you yourself did not break. It really is painful to stand by and watch H self-destruct. Remember, H is doing this. This is not something that you are doing to him. H must suffer the consequence and you need to force his hand.

When you try and try to help, over and over and over, but never see any progress - then it is time for you (((luv))) to make a decision. Here's the thing, sometimes to show love to H is to just stop trying.

You also need to know this my dear, even though you may have to physically walk away from H, your heart never stops loving. Now, the only thing you can do here is to trust H to God.

The way to detach luv is to just stop trying.

Everyone asks, "how do you detach without detaching"? Everyone asks this question. The question really is this, "how can you stop hurting and not stop loving"?

The answer is and always has been to stop trying.

My personal take on this is that your H does know you are a great mother, a good wife, and a compassionate friend. I think he needs you more than he will admit. Maybe this is why he plays the games he plays, says the things he says etc... H knows your heart better than you do. H knows your heart will always be there. H knows you will always love him. H knows you will always try. H does not know that you know how to 180 your life. Luv, just let the try die.

He knows you are trying hard to save the M. This gives H all the control. H knows that you are thinking with your heart and not your head. So, I say just "give him some head".... (no pun intended)

Like G, ST and Rob have told you the same in no lesser words...

Take your life back. Take it away from H. If he misses it, H will come after it... H will know where to find you.... you will be right behind an open door, as we all are here.

(((luv))) HERE IS YOUR NIGHTLY

O Heavenly Father, forgive me, but I tend to think I have to "fix" my H instead of trusting him to You. Help me to remember that You know what's happening and You can see down the road, too. More than anything, Lord, help me to remember that You love my H even more than I do. Father, I give him to You. He is Yours to 'fix" Father and I ask You to guide and heal him Father as only You can do. I ask these things Father in the name of the Son, Christ Jesus. Amen


Good Night My Luv

[luvless]

((((pat)))))

Thank you so much for that..your posts almost always make me cry. All of you guys have really got me thinking today..not just how great you people are but how well you know me.

I know I need to stop trying and I've made that decision. I continue to pray for my H despite what he is doing to me emotionally...and that will be the extent of my trying.

Your prayer is lovely and appreciated more than you realize.

Luv

[4luv]

((((luv))))

Your thread has helped me too in this journey that I am on. Bless your marriage and bless you as you continue on this journey.

(((pat, Gno, ST, and rob))),

thx again for such thoughtful posts. You have enlightened more than just luv :-)