She views the ultimatum I gave her as a form of control and she is proabably right.
Was it really an ultimatum or you enforcing a boundary? You haven't exactly tried to physcially prevent her from seeing OM, have you?
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How can I be around her when I know she is involved with another man?
If you can't, then you can't. I think it's best not to see her if she won't ditch OM. I came sooooo close so many times to smashing my wife's head with a brick whilst she was communicating with OM - if you're anything like me, avoiding contact with her for now would be for the best.
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I want to continue family time for the sake of the kids but being around her is just to painful.
Don't do this, please. It's dishonest and sets a poor example - i.e. that you can be treated like a piece of crap by other people and not only do you put up with it, you invite more of it. This is the example you will be setting.
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She also wants to continue to have family time.
Don't give it to her. She wants the best of both worlds, it's up to you whether she actually has it or not. Let this cockroach OM meet all the needs that you're meeting with family time. The fantasy bubble will surely pop before too long.
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I asked why she wants me around during those times and she stated it was "nicer" having me there.
Translation: because you, dwinter82, meet my needs that OM does not. That way, I can bask in the luxury of having my cake and eating it too.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
DW, Just a quick question, does she want you to spend family time when she has the kids or does she want to do this on your time with the kids? The reason I ask is because you are now the OM, it sucks but this is the case and if she is spending time with you (family time) when she could be with him.....don't you think he might start to wonder or get jealous? It is just a thought, I know it is contradictary to what GH31 just stated and I do agree it is cake eating but you guys have a D-day set. When does it stop being cake eating and start being an EA but again you are the OM in this case.
Crap Vikings just lost.
I have been hanging out in the MLC archives. You should really read them, there is a lot of wisdom there and might shed a little different light on what is going on with your W. I posted the link somewhere in my thread, if you can't find it let me know.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
DW and Mishka. In my case, I had warning bells going off in my head all throughout the 10 months I lived with W and her parents -- and younger sister.
The first time W told me about her mother, she said she was perfect. When I met her mother, well, I didn't see perfection. I saw a woman with a lot of issues.
That made me wonder. But still I felt I was "saving" W from this family. That was, looking back, an elemental mistake. Not only didn't W likely want saving, she wanted me to totally adopt this family and I was too immature to figure that out until this year.
I could talk all day about her sisters as well. I am really worried their issues will be passed on to my daughters. So far, they seem to be adopting my personality.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
GH31, I agree with everything you said and that has been my approach since September 09, with the exception of a few family time breakdowns on my part. Thanks for the input. How are things going with you?
MHL, she will do family time when she has the kids. When I have the kids she is nowhere to be found. So, when she does ask for family time, which is infrequent, it is cake eating at its worst. I do realize I am now the OM, but I do not want to get caught up in that game. She has made her decision and is moving on with her life. I am trying to do the same.
On thing that is interesting is a couple of weeks ago I was getting hammered by my boss. I called the W as a distraction and to hear a friendly voice (I rarely do this)...I told her this. Then a few days ago during our heated D conversation she told me that conversation made her happy and put her in a good mood. Why? Proabably because it meant to her that we could remain friends (more cake eating). However, it is hard not to read something into this. Then again, she defintely wants a D so I guess the answer is pretty clear.
My W has defintely put all of her eggs in one basket with the D and OM. She has alienated herself from me and my family and a couple within hers (although some seem to be supporting it for her happiness). She must be pretty sure about the R with the OM.
Hey MSH, thanks for checking in. Things are going ok. Still a struggle getting my hands around everything that is going on but I am focused on moving forward and GAL'ing. The D has been pushed back a couple of weeks so it will not be final until the end of the month.
The W has not introduced the kids to the OM but I expect that will happen soon after the D is final. This is what is realy causing me heartburn. I am still being friendly with her and trying to keep things civil. I think I am somewhere between the shock and anger phase.
I saw you have moved to the MLC posts. I'll try to catch up to speed.
Hope you are hanging tough. I strongly believe I will be right where you are now in about three to six months. I went back and ready your original post in newcomers to get a better feel on the timeline of your sitch.
Has your W ever wavered in her decision to get D? At anytime was she truly open to discussions around working on the marriage?
I ignored my W's pleas in spring 09 to seek marriage counseling and her desire for me to seek treatment for what she preceived as an alcohol problem in me. The rest is history.
I think it was Sandi who said the success rate in here is not so good with stopping D for going through. Quite discouraging to say the least.
Wishing you the best.
M48/W47 M15/T22 S3 D3 In House Separation 10/06/09 W files for D 10/16/09 OM1 discovered 10/28/09 (PA) OM2 in mix early Jan. W moved out 1/26/10 In Mediation (Settlement in prep)
CLV, the W was interested in working on the M in the fall of 08 when I first discovered the EA. In restrospect I do not think she was really that interested...hard to tell. According to her we came close to repairing things but never got there. In my opinion she never got over the OM and thus, I really never had a shot of fixing things.
When she finally did move out, they were back together within a few weeks (according to her). I would guess they were back together at some level long before she moved out. In the research I have done, people typically do not move out unless someone is waiting for them.
I am not suprised about the success rate here; it is discouraging but some have succeeded. At a minimum we are striving to learn from our mistakes and improve who we are. The same cannot be said about our S; that's why people involved in A's and then marry have a 75% divorce rate.
Based on your posts, you sound like a great dad and that is something to hang your hat on.
