Running out of time.

[MHL]

CLV,
Here is the link, you will want to save it to your favorites.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

You need to read the first one on the stages of MLC. CLick on link and go to first page and the Thread is by Hearts Blessing, it will explain a lot of things.

I will say that sometimes I hunt around in the archives when feeling hopeless, but not as much now. Sometimes though I have to take a break from the boards all together.

Heading out now, to the 2nd job interview, hopefully it will be an offer!!! I will jump on later tonight.

[MHL]

Hey,
Can you slide over to Tomlostlove here in separated, he is having a hard time and tomorrow is his birthday. A quick hello would help a fellow brother out.

[Cie la vie]

Not a problem. I'll pitch a post to him before days end. Good luck on the interview.

[Cie la vie]

Thanks for the link. I have checked out some of that in the past and I have read the six stages before as well.

The kids are back with me through tomorrow morning. Both have colds and are a bit whiney.

I looked at my W facebook page this morning and she had commented she was getting together with the "girls" on our street for dinner last night. I've been acutely aware of the neighbors giving me the cold shoulder save for the husband of one the "girls" next door.

My W threw me under the bus with everyone and probably played the martyr card in the process. I'm positive she never mentioned the other side of the story her A to anyone, just how poorly I have treated her etc. etc.

I decided to email my W and the mediator with my availability for our next session. It's unanimous with those close to me that I should push the process along. I've waited a couple of weeks and I realize it is because I am trying to hang on to hope that things might workout. I now realize I am just delaying my ability to fully detach and move on myself.

Moments after I sent the email my W called. She called to remind me that I have to pay our nanny tonight and she also mentioned that the kids were scheduled to get H1N1 flu shot but because they are sick that won't happen. I also owe her a check for several different bills she payed. The call was relatively brief and purely business related.

It seems quite clear to me that she is content in her decision. I feel she is in the midst of a MLC but she was also a firmly a WAW as well. I know patience is in order but I am discouraged. Part of me really wants to initiate R talks but I don't think that will go well for me. My hope has been that as time went on she would reflect on her decision and possibly soften enough to open conversaton about working on the M.

I've come to the conclusion that this is wasted energy and not where my focus needs to be. As difficult as it is I need to block her out of my mind and focus on me and the kids. I've done a decent job of this but I have room for improvement.

We'll see what is in store in the coming weeks.

[Cadet]

I have read the six stages before as well.

Just keep in mind that when you read the stages they are only a guide. They don't go in any order and can repeat themselves. The time is also only a guide and every crisis can be different.

As difficult as it is I need to block her out of my mind and focus on me and the kids.

This is good! Exactly what you should do!

[Cie la vie]

OP,

Thank you for your input. With regard to the MLC stages I've read over in MLC forum that the MLCer can and likely will cycle back and forth and with no particular time frame associated with it.

I don't know how much of my sitch you are familiar with but my W is in my analysis a combination of a WAW and MLCer.

Things appear grim as far as any potential reconciliation in my sitch and I'm trying to get myself to the point where I can accept it with a minimum of heartache. Unfortunatley, there is a number painful issues that need to playout before I will be afforded a repreive of such.

Thanks again for your reply, I've poked around your sitch and will do so again shortly.

[MHL]

Clv,
I think things may appear grim but and will turn out that way if that is what you expect. Reconciliation is always possible, I think we have to leave ourselves open to it if that is truly what we want. I also think it is possible to lovingly detatch without deciding it is over. While D is looming and there does not seem to be anyway to slow it down, don't throw in the towel just yet, remember no matter how dark it gets don't give up.

[Cie la vie]

Mhl,

I'm definitely not throwing in the towel, keeping this family whole is so obvioulsy the right thing for the children that I would be doing them an injustice not to fight to the end. The way we fight this battle, however, seems to be more akin to a Monks life than that of warrior.

A good part of my fatalistic thinking is designed to minimize any expectations I have about saving the M. I just can't afford to get my hopes up or the fall could be brutal.

My sitch seems a bit unique in that my W filed for D and that is the base line I started working from. It seems most here started out in what would appear to be a slightly better position. However, that could just be me throwing a pity party.

I've been at this for going four months (not along time) now and I believe I have been doing all the right things, 180's, GAling etc. and they have certainly helped me emotionally and mentally but the train keeps chugging along unabated. I know we aren't doing the above for them but us, however, at the end of the day we are all here because we want to save our marriages. Given that it sure would be nice to see some positive results from the efforts. I haven't seen any.

I have without fail avoided initiating R talks and my brain tells me that is the correct route my heart wants to reach out and test the waters. I'm sure they'll be icy and that keeps me from testing it.

I guess the bottom line here is we must keep the faith and let the chips fall where they may.

[dwinter82]

CLV, stay the course and keep your head up...you are doing great!! I understand the need for R discussion but do not do it. The discussion will likely get serious and you do not want that (for them it starts the roller coaster, which is bad).

I will say this until the cows come home but do not argue ever (keep things light), do not imply guilt-this will drive her away further, and be confident and patient. If she comes around she comes around. You need to move on like there is no chance of reconciliation. This does not mean giving up hope. Be the better person. Be the better parent. Live a better life. In essence you are making yourself into a gift that no woman could turn down (at least that is how I view it).

I hope your sitch turns out better than mine.

[Cie la vie]

DW,

If she comes around she comes around. You need to move on like there is no chance of reconciliation.

Completely agree with both statements. The second sentence is the key. I want to get to the point where that is a reality not just a desire. When I get to that point I feel I will have truly detached. I'm not there yet.

I still think about what she is doing and with who. I find myself tyring to think what she is thinking and I know it is counterproductive. It is so damn hard not to think like this but I recognize how it negatively impacts my ability to move on and detach. Each small bit of progress can be quickly negated by a comment or event (mediation session) etc.

I do know I have made strides but I'm not where I need to be yet. I appreciate the encouragement.