how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

i think i'll keep going on the letters to my H in my journal. there are so many things i want to tell him throughout the day and it's hard that i can't just pick up the phone or send him an email about them...so i can see how it would be helpful to at least have that outlet.

i'm trying to hold strong but it just feels like a front to me. everyone acts like i'm going to break at any minute. seriously, if one more person looks at me, frowns, and says, "how are you holding up, are you doing ok?" i might lose it. even my sister, who has been so helpful and supportive, every time i talk to her, it's how are you feeling, how are you doing? i understand that people in my life are just concerned about me, but HELLO, i do have a life outside of my H and i do not want to talk about the sad state of my marital life ALL THE TIME. every time i see my mom i have to say, mom, i appreciate that you're worried about me and i'm so grateful to know that you are here for me, BUT...i really don't want to talk about my H right now, i need a mental break. my mom is a BIG TIME boundary crosser, so it's like, every time i draw a line in the sand, she goes plowing right over it. like i said earlier, she is WAY more involved in this than i would like, she even sent my H a letter (which i intercepted and did not deliver to him) because she felt she needed to "express herself to him." it's MY marriage, so why SHE feels she is entitled to express her disappointment to my H is beyond me. i haven't heard a PEEP from my h's family, i have talked to his sister twice, but they all stay as uninvolved as they can.

i do feel stronger every day but i also miss my H more and more every day. i'm still experience the very uncomfortable and unpleasant feeling of being lonely, even when in a social situation. and, since i still haven't shared the news of my separation with all my friends, when they ask where he is, i feel compelled to lie rather than get into the whole story. i do think that due to all the self help books, i'm learning more about myself than i've ever really even cared to know, and knowing that i posses the tools and the power to implement change in my own life is a very good feeling.

thanks for all the great advice. i'd probably be backsliding every other day if it weren't for this site!

[jasper67]

I know how you feel and many others do as well. Hang in there you are doing great the SH books are a huge help. You are taking the time to learn about yourself and deal w/ your emotions, feelings, and mental health.

There's only good things that can come of that!

[Onthemountaintop]

I had to tell my dad that I didn't want to talk about it. He's welcome to talk to my W, but not me. If he starts into it, I change the topic, or bluntly say that I won't talk about it and I'll need to go. It hurts to do it, but his well meaning thoughts don't help.

[trytryagain]

well just got another short email from my H. apparently his sister told him that from my facebook page updates, it seems like i'm in good spirits. he ended his email saying he knew this was trying on both of us and he wished he had the words or actions to make this better.

i don't know how to respond to that, so i guess i won't.

[talia]

TTA,
I only have one thing to add....

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!!!!!!


T

[trytryagain]

thanks, talia. if i get any better at faking, i might have to become an actress!

i just don't know what to make of emails like that, where my H says he wishes he knew what to say or do to make things better. it makes me feel like he STILL has no hope for us, despite expressing that separation may not have been the best answer. i know i need to stop worrying and thinking so much about him and focus on myself. tonight's goal is 3 miles on the treadmill, some meditative yoga at home, and a quiet dinner and a movie (now that i have no tv, i have to watch dvds on my relatively small laptop - tonight's selection is the black and white classic "in cold blood" - read the book and loved it and i am a SUCKER for old movies).

less of HIM, more of ME.

[Onthemountaintop]

i just don't know what to make of emails like that, where my H says he wishes he knew what to say or do to make things better.

When I talk to my W, as soon as I say anything that sounds like I'm confused, not ready, can't get s.thing out of my mind, she immediately sees the worst.

I was thinking that was her, but I'm now wondering if maybe that is part of ADHD traits, I can say what others would not usually say. Maybe, maybe, his emails & his views are cool to the touch without him knowing. Either way, one think I know is when my W feels I've given up, she acts angry, or pursues. Maybe just let it go as part of his process, if you want to.

Enjoy the movie...

[trytryagain]

thanks, OTM. i didn't react negatively to him. i know that going back and forth is just part of his chemical makeup, but of course, it's still hard to hear yes, no, maybe, i don't know and have any idea of what to think.

i just let it go. maybe it is a part of his process, i'm not sure, but i will certainly work to not allow myself to pursue or act out in anger.

i really can't tell you how insightful it's been to have your input, as someone who knows what it's like to be in my h's shoes (and in his brain!). thanks!

[talia]

TTA,
I know I keep telling you to go dark, and this is a perfect example of why.

I surmise that H is telling you those things because he's looking to have a few of his emotional needs met by you. That something my H has done periodically and thankfully I had been around here lurking and read others posts about what to look for. I'm not sure if you should meet his EN's or not - I don't think I'm qualified to advise on that. I stopped early on in this - for my own sanity. Every time I fed into meeting his EN's I also started obsessing about what that could mean. Going dark for me stopped that. I was dark, there fore I "couldn't" respond to those emails... therefore I had nothing to obsess about. You have to decide what best protects your emotions. H hasn't stopped trying to get EN's met by me, but now I secretly laugh when I see that's what he's doing.

WAS ups and downs - for whatever reason - just beat the hell out of us LBSs. Its not fair that we have to be battered emotionally when they aren't sure what they want. That's the hardest thing. I can't speak from experience. My H has not waivered since he left. HE decided that this would be best for both of us, so HE is going to be the bad guy, and HE believes I'll be better off in the long run and HE can't ever forgive me for being depressed.

Truth is - none of this is about me and very little of what your H is going through is about you. Just remember that as you try to ignore the false ray of hope emanating from your email....

You handled it right and I'm proud of what you are doing. Its wonderful to see you starting to truly take care of you!!!

((((TTA)))))

T

[trytryagain]

thanks for the reality check, talia. i know sometimes i go a little overboard with trying to read into what my H is saying in every text, note, email, and face to face meeting. i've been as dark as possible, only responding to notes about financial issues (since we have joint accounts and bills), and i do know that the decisions he's made have been his own and it does feel like they have very little to do with me. when we almost separated in 2008, i think he had a mini MLC (at the ripe old age of 28) and i think some of his actions lately have been driven by the same thoughts that drove him to want to separate once before.

i know i should stop trying to understand every little thing he says or does. i know i should focus more on my EN's than his. i am not in any hurry for him to decide he wants to commit to this, but i DO have to move out of my apartment in less than a month (lease is up and i can't afford to live there without my H), which means either moving in with my sister and putting my things in storage, or signing a lease of my own and with him going back and forth, it makes it hard for me to move on and (literally) move out when i'm feeling like there could be a chance for reconciling.