She said great, then suggested we do those thing on our own because of the cost. I reminded her (for the 2nd time in 1 hour) that we didn't need to pay the full cost, just the $200 reg fee. She then went the other way to say how great it would be.
Then, an hour later, we had a R talk - bad idea...things are on the rocks again.
I was trying not to, but we have been getting so close that I can't get my thinking and personal changes through. Her solution was that I move out for one month to clear my mind.
Does that make sense? I want to go for a week, but in a month I think we'd both have begun moving on. I also don't know if the kids would understand. My current sitch got worse when I looked out the door and saw a world that wasn't as depressing (W, self-esteem issues). I want that thought out, not stronger~
I can't help but think she also might freak out if I actually did it... maybe she's just testing me?
well, given that my H just moved out so he could think clearly, i understand why you would want to. on the day he moved out, he texted me and said, i don't know what's right or wrong anymore, but i need to start with this. so. what choice did i have but to let him go? in your case, why not stay in a hotel or a friend's for a week if you feel like that would be helpful for your focus and your state of mind. because my H physically took his belongings and moved (i don't even know where he lives now!), it's made me feel like our situation is waaaay more serious than i had thought before. like i thought maybe he was bluffing, i guess.
do you really think you'd move on in one short month? that's only 4 weeks. she probably would freak out if you actually moved out, but...like michele says, ask yourself if what you're about to do is going to take you closer to your goal or further away.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
I'm more afraid that I will. It sounds strange, I really do want my M to survive, but without the feelings of forcing myself to stay. Thanks for the advice -I'll need to set my goals better.
My 'goals': - kids grow up happy and able to control their anger - I find a sense of peace where I'm not wondering, "why are we M when I can't properly love and respect you always" when we talk - I am supported and understood, that the jobs of living are not just saddled on me like jobs, but rather as shared responsibilites that have been agreed on - Some excitement from my W in life - A social life outside of home, but with my W - Not blind trust...but complete trust - Knowing that if I couldn't work, that my W has enough skills to meet her/our basic needs
Is this still a selfish list? Looking at it, being alone for a couple weeks/month might help me know better what I can accept and give to my M. But it seems so drastic to move out...
I can't help but think she also might freak out if I actually did it... maybe she's just testing me?
Yes women do do these things to "test" and see how committed you are... frustrating but true. Not sure if this is what she is doing though.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Very glad you and your wife are going to Retroville. I have read great things about it. There is a thread on the Piecing section from Sara that I believe has a lot of questions and answers about it. It's a long thread (I have read on and off). Sara has always been a big proponent on these message boards for attending. I bumped it up so it will be easy to find.
As for your wife- I think I had mentioned earlier, mom's groups or meetup.com. Would she be interested? I know that meetup.com also has groups for "couple's events". Of interest? She is not from Canada originally, correct? Has she any networking with people from her home country? I know that in my area the universities usually have some social groups pertaining to different immigrant groups. I also have noticed that the English as a Second language classes seem to be social events that people enjoy. Would she be interested in any of these? I'm sure that being isolated can certainly bring her mood down.
I know I have mentioned it b4 but I really love the "his needs, her needs" book. It really explains so much on how men and women differ. Planning on reading Men are from Mar and Women are from Venus next.
With your three month separation period before a possible D. Is this a "secret" event or do others know about it. Just wondering if there are people rallying for the two of you....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
OTM, i'm heading to bed, but wanted to agree that yes, moving out does seem VERY drastic. my H said he felt like it was his only option and it hurts me so much that he couldn't or wouldn't stay for at least a while and try to work things out. but we live in a very small space and he felt like he had no where to go to think with a clear mind. if you can find that kind of space in your home, and tell your W you are off limits during certain hours so you can be alone and think or read or whatever it is you need to do, i would suggest that. moving out means business and i can only imagine that your children would be very confused if you did, since they are all relatively young. are you still sharing a bedroom with your W?
my H slept on the couch off and on for a few weeks and then POOF! he was gone. just like that. being on the other end of that...really really hurts.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
My W isn't so certain on Retroville anymore...we'll see. I think I might pay the regist. fee anyhow in case she changes her mind.
RE Culture...My W isn't from Canada. I went overseas to study a second language while at university. There, I met a friend who set me up with his sister. We never knew each other (stupid, I know) and thought it would work out based on a couple letters and no direct converstation (yes, stupid...).
I tried having her meet other women many times to make some friends, but never succeeded. She has some aquaintences that could've become friendships amoung our neighbours. One really nice lady she gets along with the best is D, her mom was D, her daughter was D, and her sister was also D. Maybe not the best influence!!
I'll reserve the books you suggested June. I know TTA has mentioned the Mars one, I'll get it but I'm afraid I'll be thinking chocolate bar all through the book!
My family knows, but she'll only tell one sister of hers living in NY (6000km away...) She hasn't even told her mom fearing it would be hard on her. I told her it would be harder if she found out next year that my W had a D but hadn't even told the mom, but she doesn't see it that way. I guess we'd better not D!!
My dad says it never is an option and it's my fault for thinking about it, mom said 'cut your losses' at first, but now she wants us to work it out. Sister/brother/BIL are of the attitude work if you'll both work, otherwise don't bother. So, not much of a two way healthy support system. I have an occasional IC, my W might (hopefully) go to one. She said she would, but she isn't trying too hard. I kind of forced her to go and she 'agreed', but then the counsellor said that she needs to decide on her own. Time will tell.
