Help doing what is best for The Children

[Ready2Change]

I am looking for input.

Kids are with MsR2C this week until Friday. I left my phone in the car last night. This morning, I hear this message from S9 left at 8p last night:

Dad, I am so god damn mad at Mom. She won't even let me; I'm so mad at Mom, she hates me. I'm so God damn mad at her. Please come pick me up today. Bye

He is in school right now. I wise friend advised that I go see him at school:

S9 has had time to calm down
I can validate his anger
I can assure him I love him with empathy



Any other thoughts?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think you go see him, tell him you're concerned, and apologize for not getting his message until today. And yes, validate, and even empathize. But I would make sure you tell him that she is STILL his mother, and that his language is unacceptable, and that you understand that he's very angry about the divorce, but he needs to treat his mother with respect, and that if you hear that he's using that kind of language with HER, then he's going to have to deal with YOU.

I think this is an early, yet defining moment in how your post-D co-parenting is going to go down, and a real man-to-little-man moment as well.

Puppy

[January girl]

I think this is an early, yet defining moment in how your post-D co-parenting is going to go down, and a real man-to-little-man moment as well.

Puppy

I agree. Any idea what happened before he called? A wise friend once told me always ask "What happened right before THAT happened." In other words what happened right before he and she had their conflict....what were the events leading up to it.
(I hope what I'm saying makes sense.)

[Ready2Change]

Thanks guys!

[Ready2Change]

Journaling:

I arrived at the school. MsR2C arrived at school 2 minutes behind me. I find out D7 is sick and leaving. MsR2C looked concerned that I was there.

S9 and I spoke in private. Listened and validated. S9 said he got a spanking from mom. Also said mom is trying to take them away from me again.

I then went to kids therapist to make an appointment.(they have not been for months) MsR2C had already set one up for today.

I went back at the appointment time, gave all the kids hugs and validated that it was good to see the Dr. about this issue.

Therapist called me to set appointment. He did this while S9 listened. He said not to allow them to fight. He said not to tolerate bad language. He said to call him if this happens. He also stated that I should call the police if this happens in the future. I will be going in next Thursday.

Previous recommendation from therapist was to let the kids fight unless there is blood or broken bones.

I plan on asking T "I would like to understand why you changed your recommendation about letting them fight"

.....


On a good note, S10 Basket ball game starts in 30 minutes, so I get to see kids. I am going dancing after that sporting my new hair cut...

[Awoken]

It sounds like you handled this well. You listened and validated. Did you address the language S9 used?

Also said mom is trying to take them away from me again.

This is what concerns me. What is your take on what he said?

My kids are older than yours (D17, S13), and I have little certainty. Still, here are my thoughts:

I would reassure him about the risk to your relationship, let him know that you are on top of that situation. It's unfortunate, and he shouldn't be in the position of protecting you. He's basically "telling" on his mom. He will feel guilt over this kind of thing, even if it's the right thing to do.

My D17 started spying on my W. Since W trusted her, D17 had access to her computer. D17 discovered evidence of an EA, and a secret gmail account on her own. When she came to me with the information, told me she had seen bad "pictures", I could see the guilt all over face. I told her she didn't need to spy on mom, and I would take care of the situation. That it was important to me that she have a good relationship with her mom.

So far, it seems like the right choice, and I'm glad she's not carrying that burden now. I was very unsure of my decision! Still am. There is no real way to prepare for some of this.

There is another possibility. S9 could be lashing out at mom by telling you this information, and who knows how accurate it really is.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

There is another possibility. S9 could be lashing out at mom by telling you this information, and who knows how accurate it really is.

Entirely possible.

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

I would like to send this:

MsR2C, I would like to hear your side of the story regarding what happened Wednesday night. If I don't hear from you, I will believe what others have told me.

Any comments?

[Onthemountaintop]

As a teacher, I think that at school kids can feel isolated when going through family upheaval. 10yr olds as you know as a parent are beginning to try to become "themself" instead of the "son of".

Finding out from the Ms what is up in the way that makes her the least defensive would be best for the kid (I think-) because if she feels a threat, she might not want to admit her mistake. You will find out more of the story as time goes on, but does your son need to go through that?

Perhaps (not from experience) I might suggest you use the first sentence, let her know your fear ("I'm afraid he's going to lose it at school and take his anger out on another kid" or whatever it is).

Rough night for you all. I hope you still get some good z's~

[Awoken]

MsR2C, I would like to hear your side of the story regarding what happened Wednesday night. If I don't hear from you, I will believe what others have told me.

The second part sounds like threatening to me.