Hi all, thanks for taking the time to read this post. I am lost, and I need some advice and hope that my family can get back together. Dec. 28th, I recieved an email from my spouse at work. My spouse had been acting very distant and withdrawn over the past week. In the email my spouse apologized and gave reason they acted this way was because they wanted to pursue a friendship with their ex from 16 years ago. My heart was broken. I went home, we talked about it, I was told how much they loved me, and how I didnt have anything to worry about. We agreed that we could trust eachother, so I was fine with it. The very next day, my spouse says we are not friends, I dont show affection, and we dont communicate at all. The spouse also said they were unhappy, and that they loved me, but were not in love with me. I of course said I would change, we could work on things, fix what was broken. We agreed to try for the sake of eachother and the children. Three days later, my spouse takes my 4 yr old and goes to my mother in laws' to meet with the ex. I was upset, I didnt yell, but was more sad. It was like they were throwing it in my face. Over the next couple of weeks I continued to try and change how we interacted, I spent more time trying to talk to my spouse, we watched Tv together and I started to go to church with them. I thought things were improving. Then 02/01 my spouse says it might be a good idea if I find a place of my own. My heart dropped. They needed space, they were not happy and me being there was not helping the situation. I yelled much that night, it came to no conclusion. The next night I was asked if I had thought about what was brought up, I said yes, and I dont think it is a good idea to leave if we are trying to salvage our marriage. My spouse said I didnt have to leave, but then the Kids and my spouse would start looking for a place. I explained it wasnt fair that I just had to be the one without the children. She said then we could just divorce and fight about it in court. I tried not to beg, but I was very sad and it showed. I talked with my children about our issues and explained that sometimes to fix something like this people have to spend time apart. They of coarse were saddened, but they seemed ok with idea. The next day from work I emailed my spouse telling them that even though I dont want to go, I understand that me being around is just making it worse. I agreed to leave in hopes it would help fix things. When I picked up my boys from school, I was told that one of them had a break down in front of the class. Then they spent the whole day making cards for both me and my spouse. I was crying at the thought of what we were putting them through. I told my spouse about the episode from school and should them the letters, and they were read without a single emotion. My spouse said we need to sit down with them, and tell them that it doesnt mean it is over, but even if it is, we will always be there parents and will always love them. We huddles together as family and my spouse expalined things. they said it was not there fault, it has nothing to do with how they act, we love them, this isnt just the end, that we are going to try and work on things. Then I packed some clothes and did the hardest that I have ever done in my life, leave my wife and kids. We have been together 16 yrs and married 14. We have twin 11 yr old boys and a 4 yr old boy. I acnowledge that I havnt been the best husband, but I have always been there. My wife was a stay at home Mom for our youngest and I thought by working, coming home and doing house work, then making dinner every night was enough. I know my thought was wrong. I dont know what to do from here, any advice would be appreciated, thank you
You know, if she wanted the separation, she should be the one to leave, NOT you.
Move back home. Tell her if she needs to "find" herself or whatever he excuse is, she can do it on her own but not take the kids and involve them with her drama whiel she sorts out her head.
My guess is she's having a full-blown affair. The fact that she met up with her ex and her mother's house speaks volumes.
If your W is the one stepping outside the M with this ex of hers, why should you be the one to leave the house? If my H suggests I and/or the kids move out b/c he wants out of our M, he can stick that plan someplace dark and unpleasant! I'm not sure if you want to return to the house, since this whole process is obviously very hard on your boys. But I think it is important for a WAS to be the one who actually walks away. And I would also emphasize that the children need stability so they get to live in their home regardless of which adult is leaving or has left. They don't need to be juggled around.
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They needed space, they were not happy and me being there was not helping the situation.
Did she mean herself and the OM? Or herself and the kids? Because if she and the OM need space she can go find it elsewhere. Not your problem. And I don't think she can make a blanket statement including the idea that the boys need you gone or need space either.
Quote:
I acnowledge that I havnt been the best husband
OK, throw this out a window.
We are never the best spouse we could possibly be. You may have made mistakes; good you've passed the test and you're a human being. That doesn't justify her actions.
Have you gotten DB or DR yet? I highly recommend it. Hang in there!
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Oh, and why is the subject line of your thread I ruined everything??
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
I can not go back and then start drama because she doesnt want me there. I was either I leave, she leaves with the kids, or we just get a divorce and fight in court. I was thinking the best way to start salvaging the situation was to give her what she wanted. As for an affair, I do believe an emotional affair is happening, but I am 100% trusting in my wife that nothing physical has taken place....at least not as of yet
Hindsight is a b***h however don't let that stop you from becoming a better person now.
What Serenity said.
Do some digging re: the OM. Call her out on it. That's nice and all that you're wanting to appease her but the fact is, she is the one claiming she wants out, so she should have been the one to have left, IMO.
