I guess I read his "that's rude" as "don't you dare tell me what to do. apologize!" or possibly "your tone is pressing my buttons. apologize!" Not that you should have to walk around on eggshells forever either.
Ok now for my four penneth.. You went butt about face on that one hun.. Instead of pointing out the error of his ways of not playing with S.. get out something to play with a game or set of toys and start playing infront of him and laugh with S about lets get poor old dad to play with us, start a tickle fight or something make H want to join in..
As RR said all you did was interupt a man thinking and sorry fellas on here but you know that men dont multi task lol! And again you gave him some thing to his Hope hasnt changed list.
Only thing Im not sure on but only you can decide if youre in the situation but Im not sure I would have apologised, but just walked away and left him to realise his behaviour was unacceptable.
Keep going the penny will drop with him eventually!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Oh I agree with both of you, thank you. I realized immediately afterward that I don't need to do what I did. I like the idea of playing with s, (although that's usually waht I do and end up doing all the "work") but I like jokingly including dad, I'll try it next time. And maybe next time I don't have to apologize. I tend to apologize too much in general. I just wanted to show good will. If he was spinning in his head like "there she goes again, she hasn't changed, etc" I wanted to show I realized and I was taking accountability for myself.
Yea, I am going to accept it about him for now. It's the least of our problems! And such a good night.
Well I'm off to bake and cook - wish me luck on a lovely dinner...
As S's bedtime approached, I made the fatal mistake of mentioning "You may want to play with S because he will have to go to bed soon." implying "Get off your dang phone!"
Because you're married, your H heard the part that I bolded, and that's what he was responding to, not your actual words. I've learned that it's not enough for me to say the right words. H is ultra-sensitive to any underlying criticism, judgements, etc. If I ever have a second chance with H, I will probably have to learn to leave the room before saying the part about "You may want to..."
I agree about your H using screens to distract himself. I know how alienating that can be but I agree with the PP who wrote that it is worth considering accepting that. Remember that you're in a long-distance relationship? The screens are part of the distance.
I regret so much all the millions of times that I've told H what I think he should be doing. I wish that I had been smart enough to get close to H by enticing, playing, inviting.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Birthday went great. I did what was right like Puppy said. S and I made the cake, I cooked the sirloin steak, gave cards, and presents. H was sweeter than he's been for months and months - sweeter yet. He was really happy and kept thanking us. He loved the food and kept saying how good it was. Lots of laughter, even a good long hug and let me kiss him on the cheek. He stayed off the screens!
When I undercooked the meat at first, he kept saying "Oh that's ok, no problem" and the second time around he told me it was "perfect"
He has been so critical of my cooking for the past four months this was an amazing change!
Later we thought we might have smelled cat pee (old cat.) A few months back he exploded at me about the same thing and it shook me to the core, I've never gotten over it. But tonight he was not only calm and mellow about it, he kept reassuring me, "Just sit down and relax don't worry about it." when I wanted to jump up and clean it.
I couldn't believe how mellow and sweet he was. Now if he could only stay like this, I'd have a happy marriage! lol
He's leaving on his solo ski trip tomorrow. Good news, I'm pretty sure he's solo, no OW. He's been 100% open with me about details. Also he didn't take S - which would have made me very sad to have my baby gone for three days.
Bad news, he still isn't ready to invite me along, as he had toyed with doing a month ago. Oh well. I keep my PMA and act "as if" we'll be back together and going on trips together soon enough.
Hope, it all sounds very good. I am happy for you. Sometimes, after what we have been through we downplay the good moments and doubt the WAS's intentions because we are still in a place where fear rules us. I know I do that at least. The truth is, days/nights like the one you just had, are good basis to built on and something we couldnt even dream of a few months back... But we want more and we want it now, human nature... It takes patience and acting as if and smart thinking. You can do this, K
Kalni, thank you. Yes, It is a good foundation and I wouldn't have dreamed we'd be this far six weeks ago. And yes I catch myself to want more and now. It's very reassuring to know I'm not alone in this. At least we are both seeing our Hs open up emotionally. There are no promises, but things are shifting.
Just keep going for the slow steady progress, its good to hear you happy about the birthday going well. Practising your negotiation skills now is a positive as believe me you havent even started using them yet, get as much under your belt now whilst the long distance piecing is going on.
You have come so far hun, be proud of yourself you deserve it.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I'm happy you had a great night with him! Next time you're in MC, can you work in compliments to him with examples from this week? Just to show him that you notice him trying.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
