flowmom - exactly! I reread some of my old journals and I kept saying "Why should I listen to him when he doesn't listen to me? Why should I own my own bad behavior when he won't look at his?"
I've been working on this a lot. I can only be responsible for my own behavior, not H's. If he doesn't reciprocate, then I have choices to keep trying or leave. But I'm trying really hard to listen to him, while at the same time in MC trying to be heard. I'm doing ok with the listening, not so much with the being heard. I have to acknowledge how much it hurts to be dismissed, but not demand to be heard. When I do the things you are describing above, I still don't get my need to be heard met. I had to realize that. So the MC is helping me stand up for myself with calm, clarity and persistence, and it's very hard.
I guess we can just see their defensiveness not as an attack on us, but as their own issues. It's tough when we have felt deprived of respect for so many years. But if they're not listening, we have to stop what we're doing to try to "get them" to listen. We can't make them.
Am I still piecing even though we don't live together? Seems like most people on piecing are living together and have more of a commitment. H is at the "on the fence" stage and working in MC with me...but no commitment yet. I put myself here because I do feel he and I are trying to work on our R, even if we end up not making it ...
I guess we can just see their defensiveness not as an attack on us, but as their own issues. It's tough when we have felt deprived of respect for so many years. But if they're not listening, we have to stop what we're doing to try to "get them" to listen. We can't make them.
Yeah. I hear that. It's a dynamic that creates deep ruts after years.
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Am I still piecing even though we don't live together? Seems like most people on piecing are living together and have more of a commitment. H is at the "on the fence" stage and working in MC with me...but no commitment yet. I put myself here because I do feel he and I are trying to work on our R, even if we end up not making it ...
I don't know about the definitions, but I would be thrilled if I could see H and I working on our R in a crystal ball...
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I have a new Jedi Mind Trick strategy and it seems to be working (tonight). I mentally shift my attitude to "as if we're in a long distance relationship" - even when he is here, I imagine we live farrrrr apart and only get together once in a while.
Imagining physical space is helping me have emotional space. It's helping me to detach. I'm more focussed on what I'm doing and not H - both when he's gone and when he's here. When he's gone I just imagine we're a couple but a "long distance" one. When we are together, it helps me feel stronger in my independence and like if H gets nasty I know he'll be long gone soon so I don't get as ruffled.
It helps that tonight H is sweet as pie. He's relaxed and he enjoyed and complimented my cooking again. He shared his birthday beer with me.
Tomorrow is his birthday. I got a generic card and S and I are going to bake a cake. Not sure if I should give him something. He gave me gifts on my birthday a couple weeks ago so I feel I should reciprocate, but I'm feeling so up and down, part of me wants to protect myself emotionally. Thoughts?
Also, he was open tonight about his upcoming weekend trip. He said he's going skiing. If there were some gal going with him, I doubt he'd have the gall to be so open about it. I much more worry when he is secretive. So that's good news...although I secretly wish he were inviting S and I.
But hey, when you're in a "long distance relationship" you can't go everywhere together because you live too far apart! See? That mindset took away the sting. It allowed me to be detached and just say, "Hope you have fun" and truly mean it without insecurity about "why didn't he invite me?"
Good trick... that makes so much sense. And, hey, if it's working for you, then go for it!
ABout the birthday gift for H, I would say do what is right, just because it is right, not because you may or may not get any particular reaction from H. Learned that one from Puppy.
Your LDR jedi mind trick is great! So much of our experience is how we frame it to ourselves and that's a positive way to do it in your situation.
H got a hilarious gift at xmas that he was too distressed to really enjoy even though it was perfect for him: a green plastic pickle that yodels . I like the idea of a gift that gets everyone grinning and can't be taken in any wierd way. And you can take a yodelling pickle skiing with you .
Last edited by flowmom; 02/04/1005:11 AM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Well food seems to be working for us, so I'm going to cook his favorite meal. We're chicken/fish vegetarians around here, so I'm going to get a very expensive, giant piece of red meat for H to devour!
Still stumped on the gift, although he told me his favorite hard candies, so maybe that and some other snacks for his ski trip...
the mood was pleasant again. He continues to soften. The tension that has been thick as mud was mostly gone! Lots of smiles and laughter - the tone and the body language are just so much better. Feeling good. Of course, still scared to trust it.
H had a couple snaps, but snapped immediately back. That's progress. As Ive mentioned, he's mostly glued to some screen or another. As S's bedtime approached, I made the fatal mistake of mentioning "You may want to play with S because he will have to go to bed soon." implying "Get off your dang phone!" H exploded " THAT'S RUDE!!! YOU CAN APOLOGIZE ANYTIME NOW!!!" - in the rudest of possible voices.
ODP worked. I calmly walked away, soothed myself as I felt someone stabbed me with a sword. The hypocrisy in the message was unbelievable. But instead of arguing THAT point, I came back when calm, softly touched his arm and said, "I'm sorry, maybe I didn't understand what was going on." H seems to recover from this as if nothing happened while I'm still shaking inside....
I'm not criticizing you, but it occurs to me that you may have to consider accepting his addiction to and preoccupation with screens of all types and things like not telling S goodnight etc. for up to a year or so. Everything you say, even though it is correct and about things that are polite and important (playing with S before bed instead of fooling with phone or whatever) he takes as a controlling critique. You did a good job apologizing, but I'm afraid he writes those things down on his list of ways you have not changed. What would happen if you put his occasional checked out ness at the bottom of the list of things to be solved for now? It seems like when something positive goes on (like the relaxed night you shared), you want more because it seems like more should be there. It SHOULD. But it's not. So this may be another thing you have to accept for awhile. Just a thought. Also, I feel for you about getting snapped at rudely and then being the one to have to apologize. I also experience that. I just try to think of the times I have done that myself in the past and figure he gets some too (though not forever).
. I like the idea of a gift that gets everyone grinning and can't be taken in any wierd way. And you can take a yodelling pickle skiing with you 
.