okay, since I've been on BOTH sides of this situation, I feel I have a lot to give.
true, I am not luv, and I'm not her H, and I'm not God overlooking their whole sitch, but from what I've read, luv has not tried in the right way, and neither has her H.
they have been doing the same things to each other. they are both inconsistent. However, they have both had times here and there where they were reaching out or making a step in the right direction but generally not at the same time. The other thing is, the WAS NEVER looks at reality, so we cannot just focus on reality because they are living ONLY on feelings.
We have to live compassionately because our WAS had been hurting for a long time, and even though we are too, we are the ones here and we are the stronger ones, and we have been given the opportunity to save our M and save ourselves and save our spouse. So, therefore, we must act differently then we would ever think we should act. We must forget our instincts and our normal reactions and start looking at what works and what doesn't. BUT consistency is the key. otherwise nothing will work.
the reason a WAS walks away from the M is because they weren't being loved in the way they needed it, and they were hurt. we can't blame everything on them. it's a 2 party deal. it takes 2 people to deteriorate a marriage.
So, again, IMHO, luv, just keep your focus on God, on you, on your kids, and don't have any expectations on your H, and just treat him as a lost soul because he is. don't let his actions change how you feel. you have to let him go too.
as far as him living at home, I feel that is a better option, because then you have more opportunity to GAL and DB in front of him. It is better that he spend more time around his family then around people who would influence him down the wrong path. But it will only be better if you can do this for real, and do it consistently.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
So yes, start limiting the sex, "I'm too tired tonight" "I have a headache" "I don't feel like it"
unless you want to push your M further in the ground.
Did you read that last part you posted? "push your marriage further in the ground"
Finally you have acknowledged reality.
Can I get an AMEN!!!
WOOT! WOOT!
Now start reading the men's threads on this site, "she started making excuses about not wanting sex" "she was too tired" "she told me she didn't want to have sex with ANY man, it wasn't just me" "she started hanging out with her friends more" "she started going to parties" "I started initiating sex and she kept rejecting me but I didn't want to give up so I kept pursuing her for sex and she kept rejecting me. She also started spending less & less time with me"
Seriously just do what works.
Reality is what works, everything else is what you hope would work if you believe and try really really hard.
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
You are asking Luvless to wait forever, to change herself so that her husband will change, do things so that her husband will respond and yet.... wonder o wonders, he's still acting like a jerk, hmmmm..... methinks a different approach might produce different results.
the reason a WAS walks away from the M is because they weren't being loved in the way they needed it, and they were hurt. we can't blame everything on them. it's a 2 party deal. it takes 2 people to deteriorate a marriage.
WOW more reality, and I didn't have to post it in my own words, someone else is doing it for me ;-)
start taking him for granted, even if it's just acting on your part because I know how emotionally invested you are in all of this, start ignoring him.
Rob, again, this is MHO, but I feel I need to point these things out. I also believe that your input is partially good, but it's the way you are presenting it.
she doesn't want to "ignore" her husband. she needs to still be a considerate person, not a rude person. But she can "ignore" by just enjoying her life and not chase him anymore. she can be busy when he calls, and she can call back later, or she just goes about her day in a fun way because she's learning to enjoy her life.
and taking him for granted? I'm not sure why you are using these terms either. so I think maybe I'm just misunderstanding what your trying to get her to do.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
but Rob. it is our perception of reality that causes us to have different opinions. I believe G is with me on this as well. We both feel she has not ever really DB'd. but in your opinion you feel she's tried and tried.
so this is probably where we will continue to have our differences, and luv will just have to make her own decisions to what she believes will be the best for her sitch.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
start taking him for granted, even if it's just acting on your part because I know how emotionally invested you are in all of this, start ignoring him.
Rob, again, this is MHO, but I feel I need to point these things out. I also believe that your input is partially good, but it's the way you are presenting it.
she doesn't want to "ignore" her husband. she needs to still be a considerate person, not a rude person. But she can "ignore" by just enjoying her life and not chase him anymore. she can be busy when he calls, and she can call back later, or she just goes about her day in a fun way because she's learning to enjoy her life.
and taking him for granted? I'm not sure why you are using these terms either. so I think maybe I'm just misunderstanding what your trying to get her to do.
Read her thread, she has posted umpteen examples of the fact that he believes she'll always be there, never telling her he loves her, not responding to calls or texts, not telling her he loves her, never taking her feelings into consideration.
I'm assuming she's posting her story on this forum because her marriage is "in the ground" not because it's awesome and perfect.
the reason a WAS walks away from the M is because they weren't being loved in the way they needed it, and they were hurt. we can't blame everything on them. it's a 2 party deal. it takes 2 people to deteriorate a marriage.
WOW more reality, and I didn't have to post it in my own words, someone else is doing it for me ;-)
so Rob, why are you so bent on believing that her H has never tried and doesn't give a crap?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
