luvless I copied this from cesco's thread, - we spoke the other day, he's expecting a card or gift from you, you will shock him if you don't do anything, he will start to get the hint that you are starting to pull away.
Do what works, stop following your feelings, your feelings have given you the results you rec'd to date and none to successful, be disciplined, follow the plan we discussed the other day. Start with a small taste of fear of loss, you can do it and if you want to be successful with your situation, you need to start doing what works.
Luv I want to help you but you have to let me help you, you see that your husband still takes you for granted, start taking him for granted, even if it's just acting on your part because I know how emotionally invested you are in all of this, start ignoring him.
Do you know why you need to start ignoring him? Look at the effect it has on you when he does it to you. You may answer "but he's different, he wouldn't be bothered if I stopped calling or texting", and I'm going to tell you that you might be right, he might not be bothered at all. But to rule it out, let's test it, not just for a day or two, let's go for a week or two or heck maybe a month.
He won't notice it at first, you are 100% right.
But after a week, he'll think to himself, "that's weird, she's always bothering me with texts and phone calls and BLAH BLAH BLAH", then the 2nd week will roll by and his mind will register that something is missing. And then he'll get interested, "why did she stop calling & texting me?" During this time, you will be happy, life is good, life is awesome, life is a precious thing to waste and so is wasting time & effort in someone who won't reciprocate love & attention to you when this is what you offer him. He will no doubt ask after the first, second or third week, "I've noticed that you're not calling or texting as much anymore, what's up" and you will just smile because Rob told you it would work (LOL!) and you will smile because you have removed something that he took for granted.... your attention.
Continue pulling back, continue pulling away and.... watch him start to pursue. Watch him start to ask questions.
What you will be doing: - working out more - buying magazine on women's health & stuff - focusing on getting into shape (maybe with an intent on looking attractive to the opposite sex.. wink wink) - tanning (yes tanning, it bumps up physical attraction by at least 10%) - getting facials, manicures, pedicures - shopping for new clothes - getting a new sexy hairstyle - start going out more when he's home, leave him home, "I'm going to a new friend's house", when he asks, you'll tell him, "a new friend, you don't know them" - and then start locking your cell phone so that he can't browse your text messages
You can do it luvless, I have faith in you, you're a smart woman and smart women do what works ;-)
and I forgot to mention, you can't just backslide when you start seeing that he pursues you (and he will eventually), and another thing, the sex.... I think you knew I was going to mention this eventually, I don't know what the frequency is between you & your hubby but I get the impression that when he wants sex, you give it to him because he starves you emotionally and having sex with him for those 5 glorious minutes gives you a small connection (because you miss feeling loved so much that you'll take whatever scraps are given).
So yes, start limiting the sex, "I'm too tired tonight" "I have a headache" "I don't feel like it"
You may ask how long you have to keep all of this up and I know it's going to suck when I tell you this but I would probably say several months. You've invested 93 pages on this thread and a similar amount of time if not longer in what doesn't work, why not invest the same energy or more into something that does work.
You don't have to, I can't make you but I would like to see you turn this around, I'm hoping you'll give it a fair chance.
Rob - Think I'll just copy and paste this over to my thread!!!
G and I were just discussing how much my H relies on me for "attention..." but only on his terms.
F*ck that. I just wrote this am, on my thread, how I'm so lost knowing HOW to act around him, do this, no do that, sheeeeesh, and everything has been half as$ed.
Your explanation really helps.
Thanks for taking the time to put this all together (for Luv!).
LUV - Back to you!!! HUGS
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
don't have time to read everything now...but I saw this.
Quote:
I haven't been on the forums in a while but reading your thread from beginning to end I finally realized you've been trying so hard, pursuing, controlling your conversations, tip toeing around him, trying to be the better spouse, doing nice things, and yet all of this good behavior on your part gets you..... NOTHING!
I'm sorry, but this I disagree with. granted luv, I know you have been trying, I don't discredit that one bit. But, it's how we try that makes a difference. I think your H had been trying too, but again, it's how you try that makes a difference. Just the fact that he was still there means he was trying.
so, anyways, I really feel that you have not done any of this 100% like G said, and before trying all these different things, I think you need to just start DBing for real. stop chasing him, stop caring what he's doing, start caring about what YOU are doing. Be cordial and polite with him, do not ignore him, but be busy making YOUR life worth living.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
H is here because he doesn't have a place to go. The text to his friend said that. He's said alot of things I know but I don't see his being here as trying. He is here out of obligation (his words)
I know I have to start caring about me and that's what I've decided to do. I'm kinda done hurting. I know it isn't over for me. I'm taking everything that all of you have said here VERY seriously.
I am going to work at this...not my M...on ME because I cannot save my M anymore I am letting go. I have no control.
Thank you so much - all of you!
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
don't have time to read everything now...but I saw this.
Quote:
I haven't been on the forums in a while but reading your thread from beginning to end I finally realized you've been trying so hard, pursuing, controlling your conversations, tip toeing around him, trying to be the better spouse, doing nice things, and yet all of this good behavior on your part gets you..... NOTHING!
I'm sorry, but this I disagree with. granted luv, I know you have been trying, I don't discredit that one bit. But, it's how we try that makes a difference. I think your H had been trying too, but again, it's how you try that makes a difference. Just the fact that he was still there means he was trying.
so, anyways, I really feel that you have not done any of this 100% like G said, and before trying all these different things, I think you need to just start DBing for real. stop chasing him, stop caring what he's doing, start caring about what YOU are doing. Be cordial and polite with him, do not ignore him, but be busy making YOUR life worth living.
ST you can disagree all you like and seriously I have nothing against you or your ideas. But... that being said, you can also tell me the sky isn't blue and that there is no gravity on this planet and we're all floating around but I will focus on reality.
Too many people on this forum focus on their feelings but not on reality, they act based on their feelings instead of reality.
Reality is your guide, follow it, do what works.
Her husband hasn't been trying. Luvless has made umpteen posts on this thread detailing what he does and in a nutshell, he doesn't give a $hit. He takes her for granted and he'll be the schmuck that logs on to this site a year from now explaining how he was a bad husband, took his wife for granted, never appreciated her and now that she's moving on, he's going to try desperately to do whatever it takes to win her back.
Maybe you're right ST, I've never read any man on this site post on a thread with a story similar to what I've just described.... LOL!
;-)
Here's another little tidbit, even though I use the word from time to time, I have been training myself lately to stop using the word "try" or "trying", you know why? Trying implies failure, it really does.
"I'm going to try this and hope it works out"
Translation, I'm going to try this and I'm expecting to fail again.
There is no trying. Do or Do not. No trying.
What luvless has done is explain that her hubby doesn't reciprocate love & attention the way she would want to receive it. You can give her all the methods in the world to show him you love him, give your hubby bj's 3 times a day, kiss his ass, when he yells at you, keep your mouth shut because just because he's angry, you don't have to be angry, just because he doesn't give you attention, doesn't mean you have to act the same way, just because he doesn't call you or text you doesn't mean you shouldn't, just because he doesn't tell you he loves you, doesn't mean you shouldn't do those things and continue doing it for years and years until he finally says
"EUREKA!!! I finally get it, I love my wife, why didn't I see this before?!"
No, you would rather her jump through all the flaming hoops and build up a $hit load of resentment and then when that anger & resentment builds up and fills her up to her eyeballs and she explodes, you tell her to apologize to her hubby.
Reality, follow it, it will give you better results. Go against reality, you'll be doing a million different things, never getting successful results and always wondering, "what does it take to get him/her to respond?"
At what point do you stop making her insane? At what point do you finally acknowledge that the definition of insanity is doing the same f!@#$%* thing over & over again expecting different results. You have the forums on this site filled with people pursuing, kissing ass, and literally chasing their spouses away because no one knows how attraction works for men & women, no one understand human nature and basic human psychology.
Do you ever notice that people always want equal treatment, fair treatment, reciprocation, mutual benefit, mutual satisfaction. Human beings and life in general is all about balance. There is a left & right side of the brain, you have 2 arms one on each side, same thing with your legs, east & west, up & down, north & south, men & women, good, bad, beautiful, ugly, good guys, bad buys, law & crime, hot & cold, wet & dry etc. - do you see where I'm going with this. Human beings and life in general, we're all wired for this balance, when we fight it, go against this basic principle, we fail. When you notice something is missing in your life, it's because it's missing, we're used to balance, harmony, reciprocal behaviors.
Keep doing what you want, that is your right in life, I would rather invest my efforts in doing what works, I'm results oriented, happy with my life and doing awesome.
Luvless my advice still stands, do what works, stop doing what doesn't work.
So yes, start limiting the sex, "I'm too tired tonight" "I have a headache" "I don't feel like it"
unless you want to push your M further in the ground.
you want your H to see you as a light, not as more of what would make him unhappy. If you want to limit sex, by all means, that is fine if that is a boundary you want to set.
IMHO, if he does initiate, which at this moment, I'm assuming he won't be, I would say, "I would love to, and when you are ready to recommit to working on the marriage just let me know" and in the meantime, you need to treat yourself and act like your the sexiest woman on earth and he's just not allowed to touch you yet. do not act like your sick, or giving an excuse. act like he should be dying to do it with you, but you are busy with your life that you are making great, and as soon as he wants to be a part of it, then you'll love to get it on.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
you can't just backslide when you start seeing that he pursues you (and he will eventually), and another thing, the sex.... I think you knew I was going to mention this eventually, I don't know what the frequency is between you & your hubby but I get the impression that when he wants sex, you give it to him because he starves you emotionally and having sex with him for those 5 glorious minutes gives you a small connection (because you miss feeling loved so much that you'll take whatever scraps are given).
So yes, start limiting the sex, "I'm too tired tonight" "I have a headache" "I don't feel like it" LMAO 5 glorious minutes! Well...our sex life has always been pretty good but lately it's just been a few times. He has initiated yeah and I obey lol but no more Mrs nice Luv
Hey...and don't take me for some emotional girly girl - I'm more like a guy I just wanna get mine too sometimes lol not looking for a "connection."
I tell you...some of the comments here are too funny.
Thanks for the smiles.
Last edited by luvless; 02/04/1005:04 PM.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
So yes, start limiting the sex, "I'm too tired tonight" "I have a headache" "I don't feel like it"
unless you want to push your M further in the ground.
you want your H to see you as a light, not as more of what would make him unhappy. If you want to limit sex, by all means, that is fine if that is a boundary you want to set.
IMHO, if he does initiate, which at this moment, I'm assuming he won't be, I would say, "I would love to, and when you are ready to recommit to working on the marriage just let me know" and in the meantime, you need to treat yourself and act like your the sexiest woman on earth and he's just not allowed to touch you yet. do not act like your sick, or giving an excuse. act like he should be dying to do it with you, but you are busy with your life that you are making great, and as soon as he wants to be a part of it, then you'll love to get it on.
Yes I have, and talking about working the relationship is a big no no, I think it's in the book too ;-)
Listen to reality, you want a man to react with positive changes to his wife, you do what all the WAW's have done to the husbands that are posting on this site - fear of loss works, that is reality, you're not going to get to him and get him to change by doing what you've done and saying things like:
"I would love to, and when you are ready to recommit to working on the marriage just let me know"
- you've proven this with 90+ pages on your thread to date.
"I would love to, and when you are ready to recommit to working on the marriage just let me know"
.... because I will wait a 100 million years for your crap attitude to go away, one day God willing, it will and you'll be the perfect husband I always wanted because I continued to enable you dumb ass tendencies!
