I am no pro by any means, but your sitch, like most of ours, if they do work out will take a lllooooonnnnnnggggg time. The more excited and hopeful you get from a momentary meshing, the lower your low will be when AW is back.
lol, no i wish it was that simple. No we talked about it and she is ok. We are working on the marriage now as a team. We are both going to make changes to make this marriage. We are very much like we started over and have a fresh relationship. I am going to keep going with my changes and be the husband she is looking for. I think at this point its the best i can do.
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
It is amazing how much a person can change when he or she chooses to change. i believe that your wife has made a change because she wants to. And that makes all the difference. You will get more support for piecing your relationship back together on the Piecing forum.
I see you are somewhere in Florida. i am in Tampa. My husband and I restored our marriage and more (we are far better off than we were before) by going to the Tampa Bay Retrouvaille. There is another group in Orlando. This is a wonderful program that is particularly successful when both spouses are interested in improving their marriage. You can check out the website at www.helpourmarriage.org. I highly recommend the program.
Things are still good. We are on a up. She is madly in love with me and its like we first started dating again. I am keeping up my 180 and being the good husband that i should have always been. We had a little hang up yesterday. OM, called her and said i called him and bragged that i won. (this isnt something i did.) In fact, i find the whole thing pretty childish we are both 30 years old. This stuff is old and tired. I get that he is more then likely reaching at straws in hopes my wife would be upset with me. However, still the whole thing is wrong.
I just cant understand why some guy would keep pushing something. I have been working really hard with my wife and he is trying to mess that up.
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
If your W is so madly in love with you why did she take a call from the OM? I know that sounds very negative but instead of looking at WHY your W took the call you are focusing on how wrong the OM is for calling.
Do the two of you have a transparency plan in place? The OM should be blocked, erased and removed from her life in all ways.
You need to set boundaries with your W and she needs to set them with OM.
The way it has been explained to me, physiologically, "contact is contact." Even BAD contact with a former OM/OW can reset your withdrawal "clock" to 0:00, which is why a strong transparency plan should always be put in place.
Thanks for the advise. We discussed and made sure that he is gone last night. She wants to make us work and is willing to do whatever. She deleted everything that has too do with him and i am in charge of the phone bill now so i can look at phone records.
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
hoping, I'm going to give you advice and I want you to think about it.
You are too giddy when it comes to your wife.
You are way too easy.
She knows she can have you at any time and she tagged you. That's the whole thing about her having sex with you, it keeps you in line, gives you hope, makes you believe she's changed her mind, etc. Big deal you have access to phone records - of the phone you know about. Pay as you go phones are cheap and you wouldn't know about that, she could have that bill sent somewhere else.
Puppy would say "Trust but Verify!" and I think that's prudent here too.
Alot of WAW's enjoy the chase, they thrive on it. You ever hear a woman say she wants "excitement" in her life, that can be derived from chasing a man that's hard to get. One bonus is the OM calling and saying you did or said such & such, that's needy and unattractive, if he keeps that up, his effect will wear off, mind you your wife may enjoy being pursued by him for a period of time - don't think for a minute that you are a "team", I know it sucks that I'm giving you a somewhat pessimistic view of this but it's not really pessimistic, it's realistic. Reality is your friend here, if you can accept what's happening and work with it instead of against it, you have an advantage and an ability to use it.
Might not be a bad idea to give her a dose of her own medicine, not to be spiteful or vindictive but to give her a taste of fear of loss. It's what motivated you to act in this situation.
I happened upon this idea the other day, setting up a service where you submit your cell number and you have women or men (or a computer offering pre-programmed responses) depending on your gender sending text messages to your phone. Suggestive messages but nothing over the top but something that suggests that maybe you met someone and you're forming a connection. Nearly everyone texts, its the new form of communication aside from being addicted to facebook, you ever notice people text all the time, they would rather text someone than speak to them using the same cellphone they're texting from. You hear it on these forums everyday, "I found texts from a number I don't recognize and they were talking about how much fun they had with them and when they can meet again", people get jealous over text messages from a possible new romantic stranger. If the service exists already, it's something that should be advertised more on this site - I think it's a goldmine in the making.
Anywho... back to what I was saying, if you could get someone to text your phone with msg's similar to what you saw on your wife's phone and leave your phone out in the open somewhere "accidentally" unlocked and then when your wife reads a few msg's and starts asking questions, you tell her it's "nothing" and then you start locking your phone and add to the mystery.
Mystery, fear of loss, crisis, this is what would motivate your wife to really want you, she's had you for so long, she takes for granted what she has, we all do, that's human nature, put in the picture someone else interested in you and suddenly your value escalates in her eyes, she begins to fear losing you, you play hard to get and distant, stop taking every phone call from her, you wait until the 2nd, 3rd or 4th call to answer, tell her you're busy and you'll call her back later, start going out more, start going to the gym and getting in shape, start tanning, get a different haircut style, newer clothes, stay out late one night of the week, etc.
People may say this all sounds childish, maybe it is and maybe it isn't, but then again those are rationalizations based on feelings. Assume this is a game, and if you want to win the game, you play by the game's rules, if you don't play by the game's rules and play your own way, you will lose, it's not an if situation, if you go by how you "feel" you should act instead of doing what you should be doing, you will lose.
Your wife is pursuing another man. You pursue your wife. She rejects you. She pulls away.
She wants to pursue the other man. The other man isn't pursuing her (maybe he is a little, do you see how fear of loss works, the dynamic presented itself in your situation, she leaves him, he was enjoying her, he wants her back, he pursues her).
Stop pursuing your wife. You pull away a little, maintain a distance. Be friendly but don't kiss her ass, be a wuss, mention things like we're a "team" and explain your feelings to her because that will drive her away. You stop pursuing, you pull back. Your wife will pursue you. I pretty much guarantee it.
Have to go, it's 9:51am and my wife has called 4 times this morning while I'm working at the office. I think I'll answer her 5th or 6th call. When she called this morning to speak with the kids, she asked to speak with me and I told the kids that I was busy getting ready, so she told them to say "Hi" to me.
Games suck but after a while you realize that you can either have the attitude that discipline requires that you do things that work regardless if you want to do them or not.
When my own situation began, I was pursuing, calling her all the time, texting, emailing, talking about my feelings, wishing we could be a "team" again and boy did she love all of that (not!).
Check out BOT's (back on track) thread on this newcomer's forum and read it, he's been at this since July 08 and his wife is going back & forth between him and the OM regularly and she often tells him she wants a great marriage with him and then she tells him her feelings have changed. He does way too much pursuing and he has only recently found success when he stopped pursuing and started pulling away and telling her he's had enough, he backslid recently after only doing this for 3 weeks, she "tagged" him, they had sex and then she started pursuing OM again. She marked her territory, felt secure he wasn't going to leave because he's a "good little boy" but she wants a man who is secure in himself and he isn't there yet. That's why she wants the OM, he's secure, he doesn't pursue, if she wants to come over and have sex with him, he'll use her and then when he gets tired of her, he lets her go and then she feels lonely and to perk up her spirits she comes back to her husband who she knows will always be there. When BOT starts pulling away, she feels fear of loss because he's not there anymore. If he gives her real fear of loss and does this for several months, I guarantee you she'll drop the OM and prove to BOT that she will be a good wife to him but she doesn't have to do any of that until it's a requirement.
It's not a requirement for her because BOT is to easy to catch and she loves the pursuit, that's her excitement.
Hoping, you're too easy to catch and you're not exciting. I don't want to make you feel bad about your recent success, but once you understand WAW's, you'll understand that you've trained them to treat you this way and it's going to take you a while to undo this training. WAW's want a masculine man, that's what attracted them to the OM to begin with.
I'm done, this post is long enough, maybe more later.
As much as I'm happy for you and a bit jealous as well- hopingtoo- please consider what Rob wrote above. Also Puppys note about any contact could reset withdrawal.
I would not let down your guard and do some of the things that Rob mentioned so that you're not too readily available.
