I am a first timer, read numerous posts and recieved some great thoughts. I thought I would share and recieve some great feedback..
I am married 18 yrs, 3kids. Like everyone on here, I knew nothing of the lost connection with my W. Its only come up within the last year as I saw a text from om persuing her. My w advises, just a friend. Ya!!!... i know.. I have not been able to confirm anything. Her routine has been the same. My W advises that she needs her space.
The anxiety has been a killer. I seeked a therapist whom has helped. She advised to read the DB book. I have done so, a couple of times now. I suggested to W that she too seek counciling for herself too. Reluctantly she has gone twice now, but tells me that her feeling are there and she cant help them and that nobody can change how she feels. I get that. I have just now within the last few days gone dark on her based on what I read here. We sleep in the same bed, but no contact what so ever. W kisses me good night, and in the morning before she leaves. I make ZERO attempt now. I realize I was the pursuer and it was wrong based on DB and comments on here. I Making dinner, not moody, even making her lunch for work. Probably shouldnt but as I am making the kids lunch whats an extra one I say.. We dont argue, but dont really say much either.
I thought this past weekend it was over. I told her that I would leave. I will not say that again based again on what I read here. I am not the one who wants out of the M, and if she does she must be the one to go.. I tread very lightly because of my youngest daughter whom is very close to my W. I dont want to break her heart because my W is in a fog right now.. Valentines is coming up, I always buy her a card, chocolates and flowers. Do I do the same? it would look like I am persuing?
I want to say thank you to everyone who posts on here.. I think I am hooked and the first thing I do is ready your stories and I wish everyone luck!!..
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
Also did your wife tell you she wants to leave you?
Agree with your wife's feelings, it's counter intuitive, nobody says you have to believe it, assume you're playing a game, even though you don't want to right now.
Robx... Thanks.. I just read your thoughts on another thread, and boy!!.. LOVED IT!... You and Gucci!.. WOW..!
Thanks for the advise on the no gift. I will not.
As for if she told me she wants to leave me, I would say, but not in those exact words.. But I know thats what she meant.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
Well if you like Robx's approach that much, maybe you still have your cake and eat it too .
Buy your wife a suitcase in her favorite color lol.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
I read on here that boundaries are also very important. Lately I find that she spends alot of time on FB.. I actually figured out her pass word on it, but I dont really notice anything wrong.. I know I shouldnt do that, or check emails, texts etc becasue it just builds on the anxiety.
What I have difficulty with is setting a boundary around the amount of time on FB.. I know she uses it to chat it up with girlfriends etc, but I also know she chats it up with the guy at her workplace which was the same guy who was pursuing her earlier. I dont want to sound controlling either..
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
Do Not - get her a very generic card something that says (happy v day) no mushy words or anything like that. That's what I'm going to do.
oh and stop making her lunch!
luvless we spoke the other day, he's expecting a card or gift from you, you will shock him if you don't do anything, he will start to get the hint that you are starting to pull away.
Do what works, stop following your feelings, your feelings have given you the results you rec'd to date and none to successful, be disciplined, follow the plan we discussed the other day. Start with a small taste of fear of loss, you can do it and if you want to be successful with your situation, you need to start doing what works.
I need to add some information for a clearer picture of our R. In the past 5 years, some of our close friends who are no longer close friends had an impact on my W. During those hard times when my W was being attacked by them I tried to support her. In my veiw at the time I thought it was just women being women.Its what they do.. We men tell each other to foff and thats it. For her though I didnt come to her defence. I have admitted that I was wrong, and was sorry that I didnt defend her as I should have. I should have told everyone who was involved to f@&koff and I take her side regardless. Instead, I kept trying to keep peace and keep the friendships going. Well, she recents that from me.
There was also an incedent where I disrespected her publically in front of our friends and she tells me that its a scar that she cannot over look. I am not tring to make excuses but I was with my buddies and that day alot of alcohol was consumed. You can say that I was not in the best form that day. The decision that I chose was definatly the wrong one. I will say, that this is the one topic that my W uses against me all the time which she says this is why the loss of connection.
A part of me thnks that its just a line because after my wrong doing in (June 2008) we still had intimacy after that.. The intimacy stopped once I read the Text message in Jan 2009. she also remings me that she has felt this way for a very long time, maybe 10 years.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
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