how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

i think i'll keep going on the letters to my H in my journal. there are so many things i want to tell him throughout the day and it's hard that i can't just pick up the phone or send him an email about them...so i can see how it would be helpful to at least have that outlet.

i'm trying to hold strong but it just feels like a front to me. everyone acts like i'm going to break at any minute. seriously, if one more person looks at me, frowns, and says, "how are you holding up, are you doing ok?" i might lose it. even my sister, who has been so helpful and supportive, every time i talk to her, it's how are you feeling, how are you doing? i understand that people in my life are just concerned about me, but HELLO, i do have a life outside of my H and i do not want to talk about the sad state of my marital life ALL THE TIME. every time i see my mom i have to say, mom, i appreciate that you're worried about me and i'm so grateful to know that you are here for me, BUT...i really don't want to talk about my H right now, i need a mental break. my mom is a BIG TIME boundary crosser, so it's like, every time i draw a line in the sand, she goes plowing right over it. like i said earlier, she is WAY more involved in this than i would like, she even sent my H a letter (which i intercepted and did not deliver to him) because she felt she needed to "express herself to him." it's MY marriage, so why SHE feels she is entitled to express her disappointment to my H is beyond me. i haven't heard a PEEP from my h's family, i have talked to his sister twice, but they all stay as uninvolved as they can.

i do feel stronger every day but i also miss my H more and more every day. i'm still experience the very uncomfortable and unpleasant feeling of being lonely, even when in a social situation. and, since i still haven't shared the news of my separation with all my friends, when they ask where he is, i feel compelled to lie rather than get into the whole story. i do think that due to all the self help books, i'm learning more about myself than i've ever really even cared to know, and knowing that i posses the tools and the power to implement change in my own life is a very good feeling.

thanks for all the great advice. i'd probably be backsliding every other day if it weren't for this site!