Next steps

[avermont]

Thank you for that, newmama.

The funny thing is, I don't, and haven't, actively missed X. Maybe I have been so buried in pain I can't actually feel anything else.

There have been just a couple of times/things. Like this morning, opening up his Dad's cedar chest (that I had specifically said-yes, let's take that, it's beautiful) which I keep my exercise weights in. And I wanted to cry because I love that chest. And it sat so nicely at the end of the bed.

So, yes, the house=X, but I think I can honestly say that I feel more anger that my work and effort in the house is automatically assumed by everyone--and I mean X, my family, my friends, you guys here--to be NOT worth the pain of fighting for or working through the pain of X. It seems to be the automatic thing that the LBS would leave the House of Pain.

I will really have to think about how much pain the house is causing me.

I have been sleeping on the couch, certainly. Which has to mean I can't bear to sleep in the bed, in the bedroom, under the skylight.

I will be hopefully getting a roomie this week, which means I will have to go back to the bedroom. I will see how I feel about that.

Thank you for the thoughts. I will really just have to see if my horrible crying and anxiety is as much tied to the house as anything else.

I will call a real estate agent and start visiting houses. For the mental exercise. To see how it feels.