how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

talia-

great advice in both posts...i'm so grateful to have someone help keep me in check - especially since that whole support group experience was SO AWFUL!

your thoughts on being the driver with my interactions makes total sense...my mom says the same things, just to not let him call all the shots. and i like the idea of slipping in a compliment to my response, because he really always WAS good at providing for me although i know i didn't always make him feel that way.

you know, i thought for the last 2 years that boy was my H lucky to have found me because i was just about the most perfect wife ever. all of this has knocked me off my high horse and made me realize that i have just as much work to do on myself as he does, so at the very least i have to credit him with making me see that i have made a LOT of mistakes over the course of our R and M, and had all of this not gone down, i may have kept on for years letting him have all the responsibility for making our marriage work, without ever realizing that i had work to do, too. i don't mean to say he pointed out that i'm an awful person, because that's not the case, but he did call me out on some behavior that i had never noticed and that is certainly not befitting of the person and partner that i WANT to be.

this whole experience has also brought me closer to god than i've ever been in my life. i've finally found a church that i love, where i feel like i belong, and i'm slowly learning to just let go of the death grip i've had on life and just trust that god will take care of me. this week's sermon is on the messiness of love. i plan to be in the front pew for that one.

(((talia)))!!!

thanks!

[talia]

((((TTA)))))

THATS the kind of post I've been looking for!!! Keep that going - Now you are on the right street, driving confidently...



Proud of you!!
T

[trytryagain]

well, thanks, i get a lot of encouragement here!

on another note, i've also contacted a painter about painting my apartment before i move out at the end of this month. that's normally something my H would have handled, but i'm getting an estimate this weekend so i can just say, i took care of it already.

[Onthemountaintop]

That's awesome!

[trytryagain]

hhh, to answer your post (from OTM's thread), i know i'm not ready to date. AT ALL. my H just moved out this past saturday and when he moved, left me a note saying he was not unsure if separation was the answer for us, but that he felt it was his only option given our "history" and circumstances (he was starting a new job and hadn't slept a full night in weeks, we live in a TINY apartment where he couldn't be fully "separated" from me because we only have one bedroom and he wasn't getting any sleep on his buddy's couch, and he also has ADHD and focusing for him in a time when he's so stressed out and tired is really challenging). his note said that he was sure we'd talk over the coming weeks and "figure things out" and he has still not asked me to sign any legal documents.

i'm focusing on doing things that i love, tuning out the noise coming from my mother, spending more time with friends, and finally getting to eat all the couscous i want (my H hates it, therefore, i never cooked it at home)!! i would certainly be open to meeting up if you're in the DC area, because my in person support group was a depressing, overwhelming DISASTER.

the thing is, i don't feel abandoned and i don't feel that my H isn't a good man and we have no animosity towards one another. the way he put it, he felt like a failure because he was unable to make me happy. since this has all come up (it's been about a month since he decided he wanted to separate), i've done a lot of reading and researching (i feel like i finished a semester's worth of psychology classes!), come to terms with some unpleasant realities about myself and my behavior, and have committed to making changes, with or without my H in my life. where that will ultimately take me and my M, i don't know...but my hope is that it will one day in the near future take me to retro. who knows? i'm just taking it one day at a time.

[hhh]

Dear TTA-oops and sorry - i realized i posted to you on someone else's. YOu are right (and I got confused w the timing...I think this was a ? Talia had posed about dating), you are definitely not ready. My H moved out Nov '08 and it was not until Sept '09 that I started dating/flirting. And nothing has been serious to date, truly, and don't think i'd be ready. But I went out w one a few times (god knows H has been hooking up a lot) once and it made me feel attractive again and desired and I just had fun. SO much fun...it was worth it for me but again this was 9 months later.

I like you combing through the Mars and Venus books...so insightful and helpful. As I go out in the world again I realize some men I met that have been D'd have a depth to them and lessons learned and I find that attractive..they can relate and their is a shared pain there. That is something we will be able to bring to the table if we go down that route too. You are still so early in the process and definitely way ahead of where I was then. And I, LIKE YOU, have a very overinvolved mother. I am moving back to CA next month to my hometown after 16 years on the east coast, and am a little nervous about being so close to her.

I think you are doing and trying all the right things. I have learned also what works for some does not work for others. There are things I said to H early on in our S (others might construe as pursuing) that I am glad I did...some of the stuff that I had learned about being a better more giving wife and partner. I did it for me, it felt good and I feel like I left no stone unturned. He responded quite positively at the time. But after he continued WAH mode, I let him go and that's prob the best thing you can do. (But for me it was important to acknowledge my role in things and let him know it soaked in...then you let them on their way).

You're still so early on. Things can easily turn around. You'll go stronger in this process. You'll rely on yourself and your friends and hobbies for happiness, not H. And you may get to a place/time - only you can determine that - when you don't want to keep out hope/hold on any longer... but in the meantime operate under the assumption that it's just you taking care of yourself, even when it hurts, and learn to really love yourself. I have a wonderful GF who went through a horrible breakup years ago - she was almost suicidal - and she's down a complete 180 w her life...she said you really need to learn to be your own 'internal mother'. Love and nurture yourself. treat yourself. think of all the good things about yourself. I can tend to be hard on myself and have very high expectations and standards for myself..which can be good but we also need to give ourselves a break. I work from home when I don't travel and LOVE the guilt-less shopping or massages or coffee breaks that I sometimes spontaneously take during the day. Love yourself. We can clearly tell that you are a thoughtful, insightful, caring, FUN person... (I smiled when I read earlier posts about martini and margarita consumption...sometimes I think this process is making me a lush! have fun. know your worth. good things will come to you. we are here for you through these times.

much love and strength,
-hhh

[trytryagain]

((((HHH))))

thanks, h! i was just thinking a nice massage might help me relax and forget my troubles for a while. i do have a formal event for work that i'll be attending at the end of this month, so i'm looking forward to indulging in a fabulous new dress for that, plus revisiting my yoga practice and just spending a little more time with ME in the coming weeks.

i like the idea of being my own internal mother. god knows my external mother is making me nuts. she called today and said "your sister told me your H took the tv. EVIL." i said, MOM. i TOLD him to take the tv. she goes, well, you can't live forever without a tv. i said, how do you explain life before the 1930's then?? her response? WHATEVER. she is ENTIRELY too involved in my situation and it's not only unhealthy for me, it's unhealthy for her, too. if anyone needs to focus more on their own happiness, it's her. i think she is taking this all as something that my H is doing to HER since regardless of what happens with him and i, it means at least 4 or 5 more years until she gets those grandchildren she has been dreaming about since i got my period!

you will be fine living in the same zip code as your mother, as long as you apply your DB boundaries to your relationship with her. i've never set boundaries with my mom and it's been an interesting process so far. she does not like it ONE BIT. too bad for her! THIS IS THE NEW ME!

[trytryagain]

slow evening. didn't actually do much. i wrote a letter to my H in my journal and let out a lot of anger and feelings of confusion. he'll never see the letter, but it was good to at least get it out of my head and onto paper.

ran into H's best friend while walking the dog tonight, chatted with him for a bit but didn't ask about my H much. i just said i was doing ok and had signed up for yoga classes and was keeping really busy at work.

feel the tylenol pm kicking in so...off to dreamland for me.

[hhh]

Good for you and journaling! I've written a few letters to H lately that I don't plan on showing him, but good to get these thoughts out/process emotions.

I got a good sleep finally last night..but some issues with mom today regarding my impending move that I need to deal with. ugh. it's hard when you have mom and H issues at the same time but you need to DB both places I guess.

Went out w some friends tonite but was feeling kinda sad/tired again..I think it's good to push yourself to go out and do things, but these emotions come and go. Sometimes it just hurts so bad, doesn't it? But we will survive this.

I hope you sleep well. Keep up the yoga and work distractions.
hugs,
hhh

[talia]

HI TTA,
I write letters to H all the time - I have one notebook just for that! Its helped me "voice" all my feelings toward him without actually voicing it - been a great tool. Funny thing is not all the letters are angry (many are) some of them are things that I would normally tell him but can't - conversations I want to have with him, that kind of thing. Its been very cathartic and helps me not feel the emptiness that comes with not being able to confide in your primary confidante... Yet another great suggestion from my IC

I agree with you - your mom needs a life!!! WOW! How is THAT DBing going? Sounds like you are holding strong - good job!

I hear you on the not ready to date thing... just feels so WEIRD! I'm sure that will change .... eventually...

You are handling this whole thing really well - We can tell you are stronger every day!!!

Have a great day,

T