OK, I did some deep breathing, then went to my neighbour's house briefly and she gave me a small glass of cider . That helped with the anxiety that I was feeling. H initiated a conversation about education after the kids went to bed, and asked me if I had time to tell him about the various options available. He is OK with homeschooling this fall . Relief. We sat down and I told him about the options. We discussed them and he agreed with my assessment. He apologized for not being involved in doing the research, etc. on the diagnosis/education stuff. I told him that I'm happy to do it as long as he feels OK with my taking the lead role on it (and we make the decisions together). It was a really positive conversation. He ended by telling me an amusing anecdote about playing with the D3 and her little friends this morning. He voluntarily shared something! A babystep!
My DB coach was right. I have to stop letting paranoid thoughts about H's divorce strategy poison our interactions. Maybe I should drink more cider .
Does putting my new IKEA bed together tonight count as GAL?
One GAL thing that I'm doing might sound a bit wierd, but it's somehow helpful to me. I'm using the timer on my camera to take photos of myself having fun with the kids. I usually don't include myself in the photo, but I want to see the images of myself in beautiful places enjoying simple moments with my beautiful children. Some of these photos end up on my blog (mostly for extended family to anecdotally document homeschooling stuff), and it's nice to get positive feedback from my mother who is happy to see how we are spending our days (she lives 1000s of km away). H rarely took photos of me, and now if I want it done, I'm really going to have to do it myself.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
With your schedule and children, GAL for you might include having your friends over for regular dinner parties, game or movie nights several times a month. And then going out other nights by getting a babysitter. Maybe join one of those blogger meet-ups. But fighting with new IKEA bed works too!
After an extremely dark and gloomy January, we're bathed in glorious sunshine today! Things are blooming! Spring optimism is in the air!
I had my first session with Mr. Expensive IC this morning. I got the fantastic news that if the autism diagnosis gets officially nailed down, there may be funding to pay for his services, for me.
I felt good about the session. He didn't let me blab on and on and really directed the session and conversation, which helped it to be more effective.
He left me with the idea that there are two stories struggling for dominance in my mind. Story #1: I am strong and have the resources to deal with my problems and be effective. Story #2: I am incompetent, ineffective, a failure in many areas. We talked about who is supporting Story #1 (my friends and family) and Story #2 (H, people who don't know me well). We talked about the story of being a middle-aged mother whose H has left her and what a cliche that is. He talked about who gets to tell the story of what is going on, and how politics and society play into the stories. He asked me how Story #2 might be undermining Story #1 (which is obviously more helpful to me right now). He said that I am vulnerable to going into a downward spiral, and that I need to focus outward and not let Story #2 and preoccupation with H lead into worry/anxiety/procrastination and further downward.
The story-telling concept in the therapy is simple, but it does resonate with me. I think that's part of what bothers me about my situation: that someone might tell a story about me that doesn't capture the breadth of who I am and what my life is about. Like H's story that I just want to fight with him, or an onlooker's story that I am a passive victim of my H's actions and my children's needs.
The C was not impressed with my thumbnail sketch of how MC went with my H, and expressed the opinion that the MC did not take a helpful approach.
After C this morning, I also treated myself to some new pyjamas. My "nice problem to have" right now is that I have nothing to wear due to my weight being the lowest that it's been in the last 7 years.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I am changing your name (in my mind) to Flo because I have a very cool friend name Flo and now I have two cool friends called Flo.
I am glad you liked the IC, that the sun is shining today and you got some potentially really good news about funding for you son. Oh, I am also glad you got some fancy new PJ's!
You are a #1. The #2 is, well, just that... #2
Just wanted to say hello and I am glad you had a lovely day!
FM: He said that I am vulnerable to going into a downward spiral, and that I need to focus outward and not let Story #2 and preoccupation with H lead into worry/anxiety/procrastination and further downward.
Sounds like an intersting session. The take home message seems to be keep reminding yourself of story #1 so that story #2 doesn't bring you trouble. And also don't worry about "society"'s story about women and separation. If it's any consolation, "society"'s story turns your and all our H's into living, breathing cliches as well.
Hi Flowmom, Been meaning to chime. Been working on cutting back my Internet time though- a GAL for me if you will . As for a D- if it were to occur- please don't think of it as the end. There are many people that remarry their D spouse again. I think I read a statistic of about 20% remarry their former spouse. Gosh, seems high I should try to cite the source here (Now I've got to look this up). I have also read that the D rate is higher for families with an autistic child- not to say in any way that the marriage crisis now is your son's fault. Just that it would make sense that marriages are more taxed where there is an issue like this.
As for working- I personally would not do it right now. Unless it relaxes you or takes your mind off of things. I think it would add more stress to your already stressful life. Myself, personally, I would just focus on myself and the kids.
As for the panic attacks- oh I have had the joy of those on and off for years. So not fun... I would do silly things like always have comedy tapes on hand from the library and listen to one to calm myself down.
As for the worry about a possible D, again not to be all about me... But referring to what I did. I looked at the worst case scenarios. I imagined how it would be, how I would recover, how life would be changed. I accepted that possibility and tried to mentally prepare myself for it. I didn't avoid it in my mind. I had a weird acceptance that gave me peace. I can only do so much- it is out of my control as to how my hubby decides things will be and I will just have to accept it. It will hurt like hell but I also know that I will recover. C'est la vie.
Someone once used a good term here on this site- stating they are a "dead man walking" concerning the marriage. The marriage is probably over and they know that is the case but they freely without worry DB. Kind of like a soldier going into a battle knowing he is not going to make it. He's is horribly outnumbered. He has no fear- he battles like crazy knowing the end result and if he actually lives- awesome. I am not at all in anyway saying that your marriage is over. I just think there is something freeing knowing that you can not control the sitch and feeling wonderful knowing that your DBed your butt off. Then you know you gave it your all and if the D occurs it's really all on him, in a way. You put forth huge effort.
IDK, it's seems like your IC is awesome and I love his insight. Can't wait to hear more of what he has to say.
As for your son- wondering how much is sinking into your husband about the reallity of it....
Good luck with things!
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
June, I totally see what you're saying. In my mind I am trying to accept the reality of D for the very reasons that you say. I like what Coach quotes about the Stockdale Paradox -- it reinforces the idea that what is needed is not optimism, but a total acceptance of reality combined with a deep faith.
I guess acceptance is a process? I don't feel like I'm raging against reality all the time, just that my mind plays games to not have to realize the total brutality of what D could mean for me, my children, and my dreams. But I force myself to look at it. And we talked about that in IC, that I need to feel my strength and prepare for the worst.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
HI flo, thanks for posting to me, much appreciated...
Accepting the possibility of a D, for me as well was a a process. What helped me believe things would be managable was the fact that after the separation, I realised I WAS LINING as a divorced mom of two. I realised it wasnt something I should be afraid of, I was there already... That freed me from the fear of the unknown, of all the practical problems, of raising the kids, etc etc. I only had to deal with my emotional divorce from the man I loved. As months went by, I knew I would be fine. It wasnt something I wanted, but I would be fine anyway.
I know I may sound naive, but what changed my attitude was reading the Secret. The Greek translation sucks but it reminded me I wasnt a helpless "victim" of someone's choice, I had the strength, the powers to make my life how I wanted it. At least that's what I gained from the theory...
As far as separation and chances for reconciliation, in my story, the separation was the best thing that happened to us. I should have kicked him out of the house months sooner. It relieved the pressure, I stopped walking on eggshels,I regrouped, I used the time he had the kids to GAL, I felt my house as home again and not as war zone, I relaxed...
For him, it allowed him to see the OW when he wanted to, he missed our family times, he missed our home, he stopped seeing me as the evil witch, he started missing me, he came face to face with the reality of not being part of our family. He idea of being divorced meant he could come and go in our home, have some kind of "twisted" rights over me, that I would be there for him for practical and other issues etc etc.
His change of mood happened in March on my birthday, he left for me at my home when he came to pick up the kids (and I was gone)a gift, a pair of silver sandals I had expressed I wanted months before he moved out. It took him 4 months to start seeing thru the fog.
When he felt I was really "leaving him", he approached me the first time for reconcilation, almost a year after the separation.
Each case is different and things can change. Stay strong and I know it may sound stupid but, stop worrying...
I agree, your C sounds good. Keep going.
I hope things with your little one will go smooth. xxxx K
How do you know you are preparing for the worst? Really you don't.
I never believed this until I experienced it myself but not, well, now it all seems to make sense.
I did the work (still doing it) and two years later my H has done nothing. I would have preferred not to be separated legally and eventually divorced but knowing what I know now about R's and marriage it addition to knowing how *I* changed I really do have a much different perspective.
Maybe it is unfair to say my H has done nothing because maybe he has but he certainly doesn't show it towards me. If he knocked on my door right now asking to come back the answer would be no. He simply has too much catching up to do and he might never do it. Our R was "balanced" during our marriage except it was balanced in a very unhealthy way. And I feel that would continue now as we are in very different places.
If your H is unwilling to join you in the journey of self growth (necessary in order for a M to be rebuilt) it might not be the worse thing. You will then have the power to lead your life in a far more free fashion (and no, I don't mean dating).
. That helped with the anxiety that I was feeling. H initiated a conversation about education after the kids went to bed, and asked me if I had time to tell him about the various options available. He is OK with homeschooling this fall 
. Relief. We sat down and I told him about the options. We discussed them and he agreed with my assessment. He apologized for not being involved in doing the research, etc. on the diagnosis/education stuff. I told him that I'm happy to do it as long as he feels OK with my taking the lead role on it (and we make the decisions together). It was a really positive conversation. He ended by telling me an amusing anecdote about playing with the D3 and her little friends this morning. He voluntarily shared something! A babystep!
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