Keep The Sound Advice Coming!

[goldeylox]

I can hear that you are frustrated about what this is doing to the kids. My question: what is this doing to you?
Focus on what you can control. It's something I struggle with every day, sometimes every hour.
Besides Dad, who is your support? The fabulous DB'ers are stipulated. Peace.

[working on me]

My question: what is this doing to you?

Well, I must admit this has taken an incredible toll on me. I know, big surprise. I struggle every day with my situation. On one hand, I am incredibly thankful for the generosity of my father. He took me and my sons in when I had no where else to go. In addition, he has lent me a small fortune so that I would not lose my sons. I just don't feel that I will ever be able to repay him for what he has done for me. Sadly I feel like a horrible burden though. I live in his house and can't afford to pay him any rent money. I only work part time and make just enough to pay the few bills I have, gas and food for myself and my sons. I can't yet afford to start paying him back the thousands that I have borrowed for my lawyer. I feel so guilty all of the time, it eats at me constantly.

Besides Dad, who is your support?

Honestly I don't really talk to my fahter in depth about my situation at all. He doesn't really like to get that much detail. He tends to just want to know what I will be doing to get myself out of a situation I got myself into.

I do have an incredible support from my brother. He has also been through an ugly divorce with an ugly custody battle. He has been great.

Other than that........... I have you all.

[working on me]

I just wanted to add a little bit more today.

I have shared custody with my sons. On the days they are not with me I don't think there is a five minute period that I don't think about them. So on days that I have to drop them off I go through a steep decline in ...... I don't know heven how to put it, but I get depressed.

I am and have always been a true family man. I can't put into words what it has meant for me to become a father. It is as thuogh I have ....... reached the zenith of accomplishments by being a father. I feel so incredibly fortunate that I have the opportunity to be a part raising to little men.

I just get so sad though when they are not with me. I feel robbed. There is this thought that goes through my head from time to time, though it has decreased over time. The thought is, how in the hell could this women that I was so proud to call my wife and to create these little men live with herself. Does she go through this same depression when she is not with them, like I do? I don't see how she could, this was her choice. She must have known on some level that she would be giving up some percentage of her time with her sons for the rest of their lives. How can a person do that?

I do my best, but I have not been able to come to terms with not being able to do the little things you do with you children on a daily basis. Like brushing their teeth, getting them ready for their day, reading them a story at night before bed. Just those little moments mean everything.

I just don't kbow how to cope.

[goldeylox]

You put one foot in front of the other.
You ask for help.
You post here, vent, b!tch, moan, beg, cry, laugh, and sometimes weep.
I'm glad you have your Dad. I'm glad you are on the DB board. Now, how can you increase your PMA, and GAL?
Can you make plans w/ Bro this weekend? Grab a movie or something?
Maybe some of the fellers are lurking and can chime in?
p.s. Find local support, face to face. (Not dating service, other dudes for male bonding)

[working on me]

I just got back from a weekend at my brothers house. I had the little men with me this weekend, I am so lucky to have them. All in all a good weekend.

I haven't talked all that much about my little men yet. Did I mention how blessed I am to have them in my life, how blessed to have;

1. the opportunity to be their father
2. met and married their mother, without her they would not be hear - so I am eternally grateful to her for carrying them and caring for them
3. the opportunity to feel frustrated with, sad, angry, confused, overwhelmed, overjoyed, and loved by my two little
men.

I cherish every moment with them.

The loss of time with them is incredibly difficult. THose that say its quality time not quantity that counts is smoking crack. It's those little random moments that add up. A random moment of watching your kds play, or cuddling on the couch while you all watch the same animated movie again for the googooplex time. "googooplex", real number? I don't know, S8 says to me all the time that it's the highest number, I just like the way it sounds. So now every little moment is another opportunity to just "be" with them. It's another moment for a teachable scenereo, another moment to say I LOVE YOU, another moment to read to them, hug them, brush their teeth, nag them about the same things I have asked them to do "googooplex" times before. I could go on and on.

I LOVE BEING MY LITTLE MENS FATHER
AND I AM BLESSED TO HAVE THEM IN MY LIFE

[Gardener]

wom,
You sound like a real exceptional dad!
Good for you. And for your kids! Especially your kids!

I told Awoken a divorced-part-time-loving-father story the other night since he was worried about the consequences and loss of being a part-time Dad to his 13 year old son.

I passed the same story onto givingitmyall tonight because I thought he needed to hear it.

Last go 'round, I'll pass it on to you so you can take comfort in your probable future as a P/T Dad.

It's my own story, but I'm not tooting my own horn. I was just grateful and surprised as heck is all:

At the same age, S13, left my apartment years ago (I had gotten one within walking distance of our house) Got 20 or 30 feet, turned around crying and running back to me. We sat on my big Adirondack chair, I held him tight on my lap. We talked a lot. At the end, I looked him in the eyes, smiled and assured him, "You will be alright! I will be alright! You and I will be alright. Always."
This summer, at age 31 - eighteen years later - he told me about that moment in that chair and how everything did get better after that and that he never forgot that moment. Gardener, of course, cried.

Awoken, be strong and do your utmost best - at all times - with S13 like you're doing now. Not just for the hurting boy but for the man you're forming and building.

You, too, wom.

[goldeylox]

Time with the Kids > > > > Quality vs. Quantity
For the first time in nearly 20 years, I hear no pitter-patter of little feet (unless you count Hazel, my cat).
I miss the pitter-patter, sometimes.
Then,
They turn into teenagers. And you start to wish you smoked crack, because why not? All the cool kids are doing it.

Pause for a little unsolicited advice:

Cherish the moments, each day. They will pass quickly.
And allow them to spread their little wings, and take risks.
They'll be back.

I'm going to give you a little whack...and maybe I'm wrong here, great Dads are wonderful. The kids will grow up and stop needing you. Dude, start getting a life.

[Gardener]

Please go visit Gypsy.

[working on me]

Whack received.

I also may be wrong here, but what I feel in my heart is that this stage in my sons life is very short.

I ask myself, self how do you feel about regret?
It blows!

I ask myself, in twenty years do you think you will look back and regret the amount of effort and thought that I put into my role as a father?
Oh Hell No!

I ask myself, do I need to get more of a life?
Well, another question is begged,,,,, What is important to me and will always be more important to me than anything?
My Sons!

As time goes by and the distance of time increases between me and the respndent, I realize more and more that I need to continue with my positive changes. Some of those changes include taking care of myself. At this point, I am moving at a sloths pace when I should be starting to jog. I am working on it though, which parlays into......... Working On Me.

As the post reads - KEEP THE SOUND ADVICE COMING!

Even if it is unsolicited and it bruises me

[working on me]

well I could really use a critique. The other day I emailed the respondent for the second time about our holiday agreement.

Some Background:
-Respondent and I agreed during mediation that to a holiday schedule with the little men.
- Thanksgiving was agreed to be one way but we both agreed to change that agreement to be that whomever the little men spend Thanksgiving with in a given year would spend the whole four day weekend. We both agreed, but never got it in writing as is required for us to do and to sign it.

In addition:
- last month the little men were supossed to be with me for the Martin Luther King Holday weekend, Which happened to fall on her weekend this year. So I must admit I messed up and thought it was her year to have them on the MLK weekend, my bad. So I sent her an email saying that we messed up and that the little men were to be with me. So to reconcile the error, why don't we just agree in writting that the little men will be with her in even numbered years and me in odd numbered years for the MLK holiday weekend.

Well she emailed me today saying that she would agree to sign the paper I wrote up about Thanksgiving, but wanted to discuss with me the MLK weekend and left it like that.

You see her Modus is to put out a statemnt of something she wants, but intentionally leaves out EXACTLY what she wants. I think it's so she can try to play me as she used to do.

So I wrote her an email back saying that I don't feel there is anything to discuss about the NLK holday, since we both mad the mistake, and that the fair thing to do would be to just switch it as I had suggested.

In addition in her email to me today she wrote,

"With the holiday coming up how do you want to do the exchanges. If you wanted to keep them later on Friday and then I just keep them til school on Tuesday I think that would work...less exchanges for them. If you have any other ideas please let me know. I would like to have the details worked out by this evening or tomorrow morning so I can tell the kids what the plan is before they leave, if possible."

Here is a little background on exchanges:
-in the past summer the exchanges had gone horrible. She refused to drive them all the way to were I live, at my fathers house 1/2hr. away from her house. She would only drive them halfway, so the exchanges ended up being at a park and ride on the side of the highway. I felt this was rediculous and sent the wrong message to the little men and I refused to drop them off there, but had to accept that she was going to. In addition, she brought her mother along to record or video tape these exchanges for some sick reason. Well the custody evaluator got word of that and shut her mother down fortunately. Then exchanges were required to be done by a third party so that the respondent and I were not both present. The custody evaluator felt this would benefit the little men, and it did. The funny thing is though that I have been the only one to have to do any of the driving for exchanges though, due to the fact that the little men go to school in the city she lives in. So, on holidays when they are not in school and the little men are with her, she is required to drop them off to me. She still doesn't want to drove them to my house. Hopefully that gives some insight into her email about this weekend.

Also not about the change she wants to make about this coming Presedent Holiday weekend. Normally what occurs is that we alternate weekends with the little men. Where they get picked up after school on friday by the parent that is with them that weekend and dropped off at school on Monday. Then the other parent picks them up after school Monday afternoon to have the little men spend the next two days.

So now she is suggesting that we change the aggreemnt we made with the mediator about this holiday weekend to be that I get to spend a few extra hours with them on friday in exchange for her spending an extra afternoon and evening with them.

She is one crack smoking, manipulative ........

So here was my response to her on that,

"As far as this weekends holiday is concerned, we already made an agreement. I will drop them off at your school on Friday if you are open and you can drop them off on Monday."

I feel I was clear, unatached personally to her and buisness like. At least that is my intention one dealing with her. I have made the choice to disconect from the games an continued manipulation attempts. Everyone says we are to "co-parent", yet no one talks about how your supposed to co-parent with an individual who will lie and manipulate any situation to serve there desires. So, I hav chosen to be polite, respectful, buisness like and transparent on all issues about our little men.

So PLEASE, let me know how I did. Talk about your dealings and what works for you. Just chime in everyone.

I love hearing from people and the more I do the more I feel I can cope with all of this.