I didnt respond to his letter last night. I left a note on the table saying "thanks for writing to me. I know how difficult that is for you and I appreciate it very much, very much".
Time for some answers- to myself ...
I do love my H. I do. It's not the love I had for him. But it is there. I dont know how it survived since he did all he could to push me away. But it is there. I am not in love with him, I am not feeling the feeling you get when you first meet someone, I can see him clearly for what he is. I can live without him if I have to.
naej, H was spending little time with us even before all this happened. But he would be home around 9-10 every night, a schedule I knew form the first day I met him.
But he would bring me flowers, tell me he loved me, made love to me and whisper "you are my woman", bought me thoughtful gifts, send me little notes with "I am sorry" when we had fights... He would act jealous, be really nice and loving to the people I loved (my family and friends), was a dedicated father, etc..etc.
All that gradually changed a year after his mom died. 2005. Right when I started feeling I was so damn tired. 2006 he met her. I dont know if it has anything to do with that, but that is the timeline. Overall I believe, he failed to grow up. I believe he dodged. (In the end it doesnt matter what I believe anymore).
My BFF who knows us well, told me last night that this is what she has been telling me all along:she had suggested I keep going to MC because she thought H wont go to IC by himself, he needs me there, with him. She has told me, to try and figure out if I have the strength to pull the cart a little bit more, just enough to get him out of this hole. She believes he cant do it on his own. That he needs me.
I was very affected by the email. I want to stop his pain. But I am wondering what the right balance is between stepping in and allowing him to sort it out for himself... K
